Cartoon

I drew a horrible cartoon showing my experience with the Crazy Lady at Lenscrafters (see previous post) with MS Paint. Expect more unless you leave horrible scathing comments.  Actually, this is my blog, so expect more even if you leave horriblty scathing comments!

I intend to draw all of my stick figures with dresses, represented by triangles, if they are women and with NO CLOTHES AT ALL if they are men. I am not sexist, I am just lazy and a bad bad artist.

Also, my mother is prettier than this picture shows.

Double also, all of the people in the picture have noses. I just don't like drawing noses. People are prettier without them.

The CrazyLady at Lenscrafters

We have all met crazy crazy people in our lives. As a person who is creative and has been involved in theatre, I may have met more than my fair share of slightly eccentric beloved crazy people. But the startling thing is that the crazy people do not live in a part of the city that is cordoned off with warning tape. THEY ARE ALL AROUND US.

And they are waiting to attack.

My first impression of a person being a bit off was strongly impressed upon my fragile little soul. I still recall it with feelings of uncomfortable bewildered foreboding. I was in Lenscrafters at the mall with my mother and we were getting a pair of glasses to correct my horrible mole-like vision when this old lady came up to us. I was feeling absolutely smashing that day, mostly because of the beautiful silver dragon pendant that I had bought and was wearing like a big grown-up girl (I still have this pendant. It is my friend.).

The lady seemed to be pretty nice. She asked my mother and I how we were and what was going on. My  mother had scarcely managed a neutral reply when she launched into a crazy rant against Harry Potter. I was bewildered. My mother was saying neutral things in an effort to placate her. Then, she shifted her crazy eyes to my shiny pendant and started in on me.

crazylady: What is that?
Me: Its a dragon!
crazylady: Where did you get it?
Me:...I bought it.
crazylady: Where?
Me: At a store.
crazylady: Why?
Me: I like dragons!
crazylady: What?!
Me: Dragons are awesome! I have dragon figurines and I'm writing a story about dragons and-
crazylady: Dragons are evil!
Me: *uncomprehending stare*
crazylady: (to mother) You shouldn't let her have that!
Mother: *Something neutral; tries to steer my wide-eyed self away from the lady I am beginning to realize is a wee bit off*
crazylady: You need to set a good example for your daughter!

SO... for those of you who skimmed that conversation and are lazy bums who use cliff notes as a replacement to the real thing instead of a supplement, the crux of crazy lady's argument was:

YOU WILL BURN LITTLE GIRL! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL! YOUR MOTHER WILL BURN FOR LEADING YOU ASTRAY! ALL READERS OF HARRY POTTER WILL BURN IN HELL! HELL SHALL COME FOR ALL OF YOU SINNERS!

So  you can see why this emotionally crushing experience remained with me. It has warped my soul. To this day, I do not like Lenscrafters...

Actually, that might have more to do with my problems with getting glasses that are non-stupid from them. See one of my earliest posts, The Saga of the Glasses, for more information.

I was to little and weirded out to defend myself then, but I think that I can defend myself now.

crazylady: Dragons are evil!

Modernhelen: You are mistaken my dear lady! Throughout the East dragons are revered as sacred guardians of wisdom, precious gems, water, rain, and the heavens themselves! Perhaps in the West they are often seen as mindless destructive brutes, or as adversaries who are demonic, as seen with the dragon that St. George slew, but dragons can be courageous and awesome! The association between dragons and the devil is because the devil wishes he was awesome enough to be associated with the awesomeness of dragons! I am using a lot of explanation marks in this speech! You are wrong intolerant crazylady of Lenscrafters!

Someone please invent a time machine so that I can appear in a magical cloud of smoke and explain this all to the crazylady.

Of course, if I magically appeared in a magical cloud of smoke, she might get the wrong impression...

ModernHelen

Things I am Strangely Obsessed With Part 1

All human beings are strange. Some human beings are strange enough to make blogs. Some human beings are strange enough to make lists of their strange obsessions. Some human beings are strange enough to compile lists of their strange obsessions and post them on their blogs. For those of you who are better with visual images, please see the below:

 I made it pretty colors...

Anyways, here are some things that I am strangely obsessed with! I hope that you all have lots of fun judging me. Just remember that somehow, somewhere, somebody is judging YOU.

1. Horror Movies
I really really like horror movies. I don't mean the slasher movies like Saw. I mean those movies with ghosts or non-sparkly vampires or monsters or something. My favorite are the movies that follow the hilarious formula of a bunch of stupid young punks doing something stupid and then running around stupidly as their numbers dwindle until a not-as-stupid-as-the-rest one finally saves the day and ends the evil...

2. Alien vs. Predator
I can feel the judgment! I really liked this movie. I also liked the old Aliens movies and the new Predators movie with Adrien Brody. I also may have read six or seven novelizations from the Alien vs. Predator universe...

3. Mythology
I LOVES THE MYTHOLOGY!!! I have since I was a small hyper child (who would have been diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication if I had been born like five years later). I really love the Welsh, Scottish, and Celtic myths. My favorite mythical creature is the kelpie, aka the glashtyn, the each uisge, or other random names depending on the country. Kelpies can be deadly and occasionally eat people! Hooray! That's why I wrote a horror story about one...

4. Chocolate
It has occurred to me that this is a natural obsession for human females, so it doesn't really count as something that I am strangely obsessed with...

5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Best TV show ever! As a small blonde woman, I enjoy seeing a small blonde woman take out vampires and monsters and demons. It helps aid me in my delusions that if there was a zombie apocalypse I might actually be good for something...

6. Hoarders
This is my new guilty pleasure show. It is about these people who have psychological disorders that manifest themselves as compulsions to NEVER EVER THROW THINGS AWAY. You would not believe how much stuff can fit in some body's house or trailer until you saw this show. It is really very serious; these people place themselves and their families at risk with their desires to never throw ANYTHING away. I'm serious when I say ANYTHING. There is trash and junk and even rotting food everywhere...

7. The Bravery
Awesome awesome band. If you do not like them, you better not tell me. I would have to sick my velociraptor minions on you.

8. The belief that I can someday be, or possible already am, the QUEEN OF THE VELOCIRAPTORS
As I am the queen of the velociraptors, this is not a strange obsession but a fact of life.

9. Coffee
I have several cups of coffee a day. Fortunately for the integrity of the space time continuum and my levels of hyperactiveness, I have started drinking decaf most of the time and sticking with only one cup of caffeinated coffee a day. In the mornings. Without this beautiful and miraculous cup of coffee, I am a zombie.

10. Stopping at number ten
This is a new obsession starting now. I will never ever make lists with more than ten items again. If the list needs to be longer, then I will create part 1, 2, 3, etc.

ModernHelen

ps: I am aware that I have many blog posts that are called "blah blah blah... part 1".
I do fully intend to do more parts to these posts, but the best laid intentions often go awry, so don't hold your breath. Please people. You need to breathe or your deoxygenated brain cells will perish and you will die.

How I was supposed to become famous

Yesterday I had one of those moments where I randomly remembered something crazy/amusing that I daydreamed about when I was younger. I will never share many of my daydreams on account of THEY ARE INSANE, but I think I will share this amusing one.

Once upon a time at the way-too-old-for-fairy tales age of 14, I was going to LA to visit my Aunt and Uncle and small cousin who are very well-off and live two houses down from Harrison Ford.

Harrison Ford is a jerk by the way...

Anyways, I started thinking.

LA is the place where people become discovered. Once discovered, they become famous. Once famous, they are INVINCIBLE. So, wanting to be invincible, I decided that I would like to become famous. And, of course, someone would notice how entirely awesome and uniquely beautiful I was, and the discovery and fame and invincibility would commence.

It is important to note that when I was 14 I had somehow reached the laughable conclusion that I was one of the prettiest people on the planet. I was quickly dissuaded of this once the dreaded acne began...

I had recently become a fan of Supernatural. So, my plan went something like this:

1. Supernatural casting director cannot find anyone right to play to role of the evil fairy queen.

2. Supernatural casting director sees me in all of my elven glory.

3. Supernatural casting director decides that I must screen test for this role.

4. I have the single best screen test in the long and scandalous history of screen testing.

5. I play the evil fairy queen in Supernatural!

6. I am so epic that I become the scream queen/ sexy villain of my generation.

7. Fame and invincibility follow.

Well, this obviously did not pan out. If it did, I would be wearing something besides an old sweat-shirt and pajama pants with penguins on them.

ModernHelen

ps: I like penguins...

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everybody from me and my Santaraptor minion. If you do not celebrate Christmas, then merry whatever-holiday-you-celebrate.

Be good. Santaraptor is hungry.

ModernHelen

ps: Santaraptor was stolen from the public domain site of verydemotivational.com. Whoever drew him is quite possibly my soul mate.

I have no idea what to blog about

I have no idea what to blog about, but I feel like I need to blog about something because I didn't blog for so long because of horrible horrible finals. So I am just going to type about some random things that happened today.

First of all, my brother came up with some awesome lyrics for an emo song:
brother's lyrics: "I will turn into the ocean and then drown myself in myself".

I'm not really sure how one drowns oneself in oneself. Maybe if I got a basin and then I started crying, my tears would be salty, like the ocean, and then if I cried enough I would have enough tears to drown myself with...

Second of all, I just finished watching the movie Drag Me to Hell which is pretty epic if you like supernatural horror/dramas with B-movie elements and random inaccurate mythology. My favorite part *mild but not really that important spoiler alert* was when the goat started talking...

Ha! Now I have piqued your interests and you will all have to watch this movie so that you can see the talking crazy goat.

Third of all, my adorable insane cousins came tonight. They are three small boys and they enjoy wrestling. By wrestling, I mean sitting on your face and punching/kicking you with their tiny powerful fists/feet while wearing Star Wars pajamas.

Fortunately, my dad, brother, and uncle were the ones getting suffocated/punched/kicked because I am a college human female, and am therefore smart enough to avoid being attacked by miniature Jedi wannabes.

Isn't it great that college is making me so very very intelligent?

Fourth of all, I wish to inform you all about my favorite blog ever. If you think that my life is full of random hilarity and that I am amusing, then you ain't seen nothing yet. This woman has a blog called http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ . It is like my blog but better and with hilarious illustrations.

Incidentally, I am considering doing illustrations. Below is a sample of my artwork.

This beautiful piece is called "Crazy Triangles that I drew because I cannot draw anything else with the stupid computer mouse."

What do you think?

ModernHelen

ps: If you all want to abandon me forever for hyperboleandahalf, please don't. I might have to start crying into my basin...

pps: The spell check tried to change emo to Elmo. This amuses me.

Dear Universe part 1

Hey everybody! I am finally done with finals, back home, and ready to blog like a college student at Christmas (which I am...). I decided to do one of those things were you write a series of letters to people, inanimate objects, and concepts that will never ever write letters back.

Just for funnsies.



Dear Insomnia,

I hate you. You are a big fat jerk and you make me feel like a crazy person. If I could beat you to death with some kind of improvised medieval siege weapon, I would.

ModernHelen



Dear Chocolate

I love you. You make everything in the entire planet shiny and magical. However, I think that you should stop selling out to the oranges. Chocolate and orange is a waste of good chocolate. You should be ashamed of yourself.

ModernHelen



Dear Synethesia,

I do not appreciate seeing bright flashes of light when I hear loud sounds. You auditory and visual neurons need to get together and work things out amongst yourselves.

ModernHelen


Dear College Cafeteria,

Fried okra is not a vegetable.

ModernHelen


Dear Dracula,

What do you think of Twilight?

ModernHelen


Dear Government of the United States of America,

I do not like you. I have not liked you since you took MY money from me when I had a job in a dinner theatre when I was seven. The vast majority of Americans does not like you because you take too much money. Has it occurred to you that perhaps you should DECREASE the budget deficit?

ModernHelen



Dear Batman,

Please KILL the joker. Seriously. He breaks out a jail and kills/threatens/maims a bunch of people, and you just put him right back into jail. And then the cycle repeats.

ModernHelen



Dear Phantom of the Opera,

Kidnapping is not the way to a woman's heart. I suggest chocolates, shiny things, and being less of a namby-pamby than Raoul. It should not be particularly difficult.

ModernHelen



Dear Clothing Company,

WHY do you not make clothes for me? Is there some sort of law that all short people are either grossly over weight or the size of a ten year old child? I am a woman with curves! Make me some damn* pants that fit!!

ModernHelen



Dear Universe,

What is the meaning of life?

ModernHelen


Dear ModernHelen

That would be telling.

The Universe



That was fun! I will probably do this again, so consider yourselves warned. Also, I promise to start blogging regularly now that I am home again!

ModernHelen


*I feel that this expletive is vital as it adds to the strength of my rage against the clothing company.

Socks

Today I am going to talk about socks. If you are not a fan of socks, please do not read this post. If you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from an incident or incidents involving socks, continuing to read could be damaging to your mental health.

That is my disclaimer.

Shoes, especially womens' shoes, are ridiculously uncomfortable, and I like having socks to protect my feet from those dastardly shoes. Socks can also be fun and personalized. They can be short, long or anywhere in between.

One time, I actually went into a sock boutique. There were over priced socks everywhere, and I bought some. My favorite pair have alligators on them, so its like "AH ALLIGATORS ARE EATING MY FEET".

But, I do have a few problems with socks now that I think of it.

First of all, why do they get so dirty so quickly? Those lazy jerks just love to get all icky and dirty and worn out, so that I have to but too many extra pairs! I understand that they are on my feet all day, but that is no excuse.

Secondly, why do I have so many missing socks all the time?I swear that every single time that I do laundry I lose socks. The only explanation is that there is a monster in the laundry machine that eats them. Terry Pratchett imagined a very interesting "eater of socks" in The Hogfather (excellent book! you must read). Or maybe there are gremlins in the washing machine and they make little smocks out of the socks that they steal...

Tertiarily, Why do they come off of my feet when I am sleeping? Do I sleep walk and have so many epic battles that my socks just spontaneously fall off of my feet? And then get lost in my sheets forever and ever?

Fourthly and finally, why do they no longer make socks the length i want them to be? I do not like anklets and I do not like knee-highs, but I have been having a heck of a problem finding anything else!

Now I cannot stop thinking about socks.

THEY STRIKE AGAIN!

Hope that you all enjoyed this because I will not be posting again until finals are over, after December 16th. I know that you will be saddened, but you all must learn to live without my awesomeness for a few days. Besides, I am fairly certain many of YOU have finals that you should be studying for!

ModernHelen

Crazy crazy teachers Part 1: Crazy Music Teacher

There are some people who should not be allowed to teach.

There are some people who should not be allowed near small impressionable children.

And then, there are those special special people who should not be allowed to teach AND should not be allowed near small impressionable children.

But, these people, especially those in the last category, rarely seem to acknowledge their own short-comings and ineptitude in their chosen fields. With this in mind, I have to share some of the fun experiences that I had during the formative years of my youth when I was a precocious child (aka a smart-mouthed little twerp).s

 The crazy music teacher

This woman was crazy. I'm not kidding. My mom says that all of the mothers would talk about how crazy she was. This woman was obsessed with these inflatable band instruments that she had and with making her little choir programs absolutely perfect.

Have you ever had to pretend to play inflatable hot-pink guitar while wearing an elf costume and screaming Jingle Bell Rock in front of a bunch of googly-eyed parents for ten minutes?

I have.

Eventually, I realized that getting up at 5:30 to be in this woman's choir thing was horrible and I didn't go back.

After calling in my mother for a special talk and raving like about how talented I was and how she wanted me back in the chorus, She maturely threatened to get me kicked out of a special audition-only children's chorus that I was part of. She told my mom that:

1) she was friends with the director.
2) kids who were in this select choir were also required to be in a school choir.
3) SHE WAS GONNA GET ME KICKED OUT.

All of these claims were false. My mom called the director of my children's choir. I'm going to pretend that the conversation went something like this:

DirectorWoman: Hello?

Mom: This is Helen's Mom. I am calling because my daughter's crazy choir teacher at school says that she cannot be apart of your choir if she isn't in her school's choir.

DirectorWoman: That isn't true. What school does she go to?

Mom: She goes to *insert generic elementary school name here*.

DirectorWoman: Oh! I know all about that woman. She's bothered us before. Don't worry about it.

Mom: She sure is crazy! (laughs)

DirectorWoman: Yes she is! Isn't it good to have some crazy people as teachers that warp our children's fragile little minds?

Mom: Yep!

Well, it turns out that the crazy music teacher was a tad bit too crazy. She was fired after screaming "I'LL KILL YOU!" at a little girl multiple times. Not in a funny way. In a crazy and scary way.

ModernHelen


ps: points points to anyone who found the South Park Movie reference.

Helen vs. Zombies

I have been having dreams about zombies for a long long time. I think I had them before I watched any zombie movies or even knew much about zombies. Maybe I was just dreaming about people chasing me.

People who hungered for my delicious brains.

Anyways, I am remembering this now do to a massive crazy zombie apocalypse dream that I had last night after a fun fun round of insomnia madness. This zombie dream was a bit different. First of all, I was with my family and we were in a car. Unfortunately, these zombies were fairly intelligent and could do things like drive cars (badly) and ride bikes. There was also this one super zombie guy that could run REALLY FAST and almost caught us before giving up. There were also zombie children, but they seemed to only be interested in McDonald's chicken McNuggets.

 I guess some things about childhood never change.

This got me thinking. If it came down to Helen vs. zombies, how much of a chance would I have?

Why I Might Survive:

1. I can fit into tight spaces that are inaccessible to the larger undead
2. I could befriend stronger people who could protect me.
3. My roommate has an awesome car and could probably protect me.
4. I am blond, so if this was a zombie movie, I would make it about halfway through at least, right?
5. I'M TOO AWESOME TO DIE!

Why I Would Probably Die:

1. I can't shoot
2. I have the upper arm strength of a spaghetti noodle.
3. I do stupid things when I panic
4. My screaming about the zombies that were after me would doubtless attract more zombies
5. My endurance is bad
6. I am blond, so I will probably die in the penultimate showdown. Where's that hair dye?...
7. I'M TOO AWESOME TO LIVE!

Shout-out to all those who are crazy zombie fans. Zombies are infinity times cooler than sparkly vegetarian vampires.

ModernHelen

Things that I will never ever be

I am tired of people talking about how everything can happen if you just believe. It is annoying and clearly wrong. Below are some things that I will never ever be no matter how much I believe in myself.

1) I will never be a Navy Seal
-When I was little, I seriously wanted to be a Navy Seal. There are several things standing in the way of this. First of all, I am a woman. Second of all, I am five foot one. Third of all, I have the upper body strength of a boiled piece of spaghetti and the endurance of a teddy bear hamster.

2) I will never be a dancer
-Generally, dancers are expected to not trip on air. Just sayin'

3) I will never by a marine biologist
-I have horrible sinuses that keep me from going more than five feet under water. No one wants a marine biologist who so clearly fails at going underwater!

4) I will never be a supervillain
-Sadly, I am too bouncy and adorable to be a supervillain. However, I still have hope of being the conniving girlfriend of a supervillain...

5)I will never be a mathematician
-I am perfectly okay with this. Being a mathematician is at least the fourth level of hell. Its probably the ninth. It may well be the twelfth.

6) I will never be a cyborg
-THEY'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

7) I will never be a serial killer
-No upper arm strength. Plus too adorable. Plus I am very squeamish and think that serial killers are disgusting.*

8) I will never be a Hollywood actress
-I am fairly certain you have to be a drunk drug-addicted wreck for this to happen. At least, that is what the tabloids have led me to believe.

9) I will never be a model
-I am six inches too short.

10) I will never be a vampire slayer
-Vampires don't exist, so there is no need for vampire slayers.

11) I will never be a man.
-I'm very female, and I cannot see this changing in the near future.

ModernHelen
*If any of my readers are serial killers, please don't take personal offense, and please don't come surprise me.

Why I never dread the Holiday Weight Gain

You know how everyone is always like "OMG! It is the most fattening time of the year! I am going to eat nine servings of turkey and an entire pie with every meal, and dunk my mashed potatoes into a moat of gravy! I am going to gain so much weight!"

I am not like everyone. I am a unique person when it comes to the holidays. Instead of gaining weight at the end of the year and then losing it during the spring and summer like a normal person, I gain weight during the summer and lose it all during the winter.

Why you ask?

It is partially because of the stress of school and finals. I am in a constant state of panic and low level dread, and this burns massive piles of calories. As the workload heats up and school starts to get more intense, I lose more and more weight, until I am down to about 100, about eight pounds less than my healthy weight.

However, the real reason is that I don't like ANYTHING that people stuff themselves with during the holiday meals.

I do not like:

1) Gravy. I never have and I never will. This is merely a liquid mixture of fat, turkey innards, milk, butter, and flour. Think about it. Gravy is disgusting.

2) Stuffing.

3) Cranberry Sauce. Especially when it retains its can-like shape, because you were too lazy to break it  up and pretend that you made it yourself.

4) Pie. The only pie I like is chocolate. All other pies are unbearably sweet to me.

5) Turkey. Don't get me wrong, turkey is okay. I just have about seven other kinds of meat that I prefer to Turkey.

6) Yams with brown sugar. I eat my yams with butter and salt like a REAL man...woman... I don't understand the obsessive desire to add MORE sugar to something that is all ready sweet.

7) Eggnog. It is vile and goes bad too easily. And then you get a bunch of sick, angry, drunk party guests, which is seldom a smart plan.

8) Gingerbread. Just not good about 90% of the time.

9) Mashed Potatoes. I hate them and their squishy texture. I think that potatoes have the right to me baked, not mashed.



I DO like chocolate and cider though, which is a good thing. Sometimes, this is all that I have to eat at family meals.

Do not hate me or call me unamerican for my aversion to holiday goodies. I am just a special overly stressed crazy American woman, like everyone else in this great land.

ModernHelen

ps: Finals are coming, and I make absolutely NO promises in regards to my ability to publish in a timely fashion. If you feel bereft and deprived of my blogtasticness, then you probably need to get a little bit more of a life...

Here is a prime example of college life

I haven't updated in a  while due to crazy Thanksgiving madness. Here is a post that I apparently wrote at four in the morning after finishing a very difficult lab report. I had about six cups of coffee in me at the time, so don't judge. I have left any grammar and/or spelling weirdness as is.

Hello everyone! it is nearly  four o'clock in the morning. I should not still be up. I should be asleep. I am ruining my health for singing and stuff.

Here is a good rule of thumb: NEVER assume that a lab report that is almost done is really almost done. It turns out that almost done can translate into six hours of formating, freaking out, and realizing that your data is so stupid that you kinda want to cry, but you can't because you are pleasantly numb emotionally due to your fifth cup of coffee.

I am really really caffienated. I am sure that this will be a strange strange post. But don't people always post when they are drunk? Can't I post when I am sleep-deprived and over-caffinated?

I think that this is a new high-point for me: I have never in my life stayed up this late before. Wait, that is a low-point...

Let's just say that this marks a new time as a REAL college kid for me.

I am fairly certain that I invented a new form of footnoting for this lab report. This is interesting. Fortunately, I can rework it. Otherwise badness would ensue.

I am really paranoid because of the caffiene. I should probably go to bed now. I hope that you all enjoy this crazy caffinated-Helen post which I may or may not remove later depending on whether I have a sense of shame for my egregious and very human error of not being on top of my homework.

I have been awake for 21 hours.

If I had 3 more hours, I would have 24 hours.

Then Jack Bauer would come...

Damn you caffiene!

ModernHelen

It is time for another quasi-educational rant!

Hello loyal viewers! It is time for another quasi-educational rant! This one will be about the quantum enigma.

For everyone who does not know the puzzle that is quantum mechanics, you must read: The Quantum Enigma by Bruce Rosenblum and Fred Kuttner. I promise that it is not a difficult or dry book. It was written for the intelligent non-physicist who wants to understand a little bit of the weirdness.

Okay. So Newton gave us Classical Physics. Classical Physics is very pretty. It is neat, tidy, and ordered. It gives us the understanding that there are objective facts and empirical laws that determine the way things are. Math is derived from these laws. Physics is derived from math. Chemistry is derived from Physics. Biology is derived from Chemistry. Psychology is derived from Biology. Basically, it is a big pyramid scheme of derivation, and LAWS and FACTS that are objective govern the universe.

Then, one day (well... series of days. Or years.) some physicists realized that classical physics did not really explain uncertainty principles and all the weirdness that is sub atomic particles. However, when they took the view that atoms ( which make up everything) exist at several states, AT THE SAME TIME and then collapse into a certain state or another, everything was magical and worked out.

As everything was magical and quantum physics was okey-dokey for practical applications, people decided not to think of the implications. Implications are scary.

BUT, some people* will stare the universe and go, "Why is this the case? What is going on? WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS?" The other physics people did not like these people. They wanted to USE the quantum physics (without even buying dinner first) but keep the LAWS given by Classical Physics.

Because you know what? Something has to collapse the atoms into one state or another and, as far as we can tell, observation is what does this. To make things even weirder, observation seems to act ACROSS TIME. We can also set up an experiment to show what we want to see. This means that I can set up an experiment to see light as a wave. I will then observe light to be a wave. My observation will reach BACKWARDS across time and space, making it so that the light I was observing was always a wave.

But who can make observations? Some physicists say machines can. But many insist that only a conscious observer (a human) can make the observations.

This means that human consciousness is what collapses atoms into a certain state, and reaches backwards across time so that they were always in this certain state. Atoms make up everything. This implies that consciousness, NOT THE LAWS given to us by classical physics is what creates the universe.

Now can you see the issue? This puts humans at the center of the universe again. Everything exists and has existed as it does due to our observation of it. Without the conscious observation of us humans, everything exists in multiple uncollapsed states. Instead of facts and laws being at the base of the pyramid, we have consciousness.

OMG. This is amazing! This means that the dinosaurs existed because I made them exist! My conscious observation collapsed the atoms that made up their skeletons into skeletons and reached BACKWARDS ACROSS TIME to create them! I am the queen of the velociraptors and all other dinosaurs!

I hope that you are all thoroughly confused by my immature treatment of this perplexing and awesome puzzle and will read the book I mentioned at the beginning of the blog post to get more clarification! I promise to not try to be educational again for at least another five posts.

ModernHelen


* I am one of those people. That is why I will be a philosopher. A philosopher's job is to stare the universe until something stares back. Or until he is killed by the Athenians. Whatever happens first.

In Honor of Harry Potter

For those of you who have been living under a rock in a cave, HARRY POTTER OPENS AT MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!! Harry Potter is the bestest children's series in the history of the planet earth. I am sorry, but it beats the Chronicles of Narnia in my book.

Anyways,  I am pretty much doing this blog post to tell the world how awesome Harry Potter is. This post is my tribute to Harry Potter. I am sure that you all think I am strange, but there are much stranger ways to have fandom tributes.

For example, there is fanfiction.net, wherein fans can take some characters and/or plots of that genius J.K. Rowling and write all kinds of insane stories. This got me thinking: just how crazy are people when it comes to honoring Harry Potter? I know that many of my friends are going to dress in wizard robes, speak in fancy-pants British voices, and possibly engage in mimed and bitter duels in honor of their respective houses (Ravenclaw is the best. Just sayin').

I trolled the Internet for a while, and here are some of the things that I found:

You know that you want these shoes. They were handpainted. What a labor of love! What a tribute to Harry Potter! I'm not sure I'd like walking around with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named on my foot though. Thank you to the Cheeseburger Network for providing this lovely image.

Also, I found eighty million videos of people pretending to be wizards, including one that took place in a train station, with someone pretending to be Voldemort mock torturing some poor bastard for information.

Is public mock torture by use of an unforgivable curse legal?

At least one woman looked really confused and frightened. She may not have heard of Harry Potter. Or, she may have heard too much of Harry Potter, and concluded that it is ALL REAL. And the Dark Lord was REALLY TORTURING that guy.

I also read about a crazy Japanese fan touching and smelling Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint.

You know, I am a super fan of Harry Potter, but these people seem a bit strange to me...

Everyone MUST SEE the movie within the next week, or I will find you.

ModernHelen
ps: A shout out to Nurse Buttons because he shamelessly begged me for a shout out.

pps: We had a commercial shoot in our dorm lobby today. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this blog, but I thought that it was interesting and I wanted to share.

Things my brain has decided really happened but actually didn't

We are all imperfect. And even though are brains are pretty sweet, they do make dumb mistakes. We actually rewrite memories based on new events in our lives or new emotions/drama, so what we remember now, or what actually happened, may not be what we remember 20 years from now.

For example, I may remember that I was "about 5'4'' with long straight golden blonde hair and weighed 98 pounds", but that is not actually me; that is Nicole Richie circa two years ago according to the tabloid magazine I saw in a check out line one day.

OR IS IT? Maybe my brain rewrote that memory too!!!

Anyways, here in fun fun list form are some of the things that DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN but did according to my brain:

1. At the end of Harry Potter, Luna and Neville got married and had four children and Neville became the headmaster of Hogwarts.
-I was very confused when I read the 7th book for the second time and this didn't actually happen. It is likely that Fanfiction is to blame.

2. There is an animated version of the Phantom of the Opera made by Disney.
-I think that this was a dream that I had that I decided was REAL LIFE.
-Besides, this would not make a good Disney movie. It has too much kidnapping and men with long girly hair.

3. I have ten pairs of boots in my closet.
-Sadly I only have eight. Thank you Grandma!

4. I have a picture of myself dressed up as an enchanted flower vase for the musical Beauty and the Beast on my phone.
-I was in this musical and I was an enchanted flower vase but no such picture exists. I have looked for it four times. It still doesn't exist.

5. I was awesome at writing lab reports in AP Bio.
-I actually never got a full A on any of those lab reports though I came pretty close a few times.

6. There is candy. I know you have some. It is for me.
-Not everyone in the world has candy and it is not all for me. But I am still suspicious that there is candy SOMEWHERE and you will give it to me. Or else.
-I am aware that I have a sugar problem.

7. I own a dark purple dress with silver beads on it.
-I do not know where this delusion came from, but it was so pronounced that I didn't believe it when I found no such dress in my closet. I think I might have combined two dresses I actually owned into one kick ass silver-purple dress of awesomeness.

8. In Hannibal (the movie) Clarice throws a pair of shoes at Hannibal.
-I was really excited to see Clarice throw shoes at Anthony Hopkin's stupid face. But, IT NEVER HAPPENED.

9. I all ready posted this post.
-As you can clearly see by the fact that it was not posted before this time, this is not the case.

OR IS IT?

ModernHelen

ps: A quick shout out to all of my blogstalkers (you know who you are) and a hearty handshake to my new followers!

How to know if you should publish your book

Lots of people have questions about publishing books, short stories, etc. So, how do you know that something which you have written has any literary worth and should be published? Because my slightly obsessive compulsive nature loves lists, I have compiled one to aid you all.

1. Are there vampires?
If there are, you should not publish this.

2. Are there werewolves?
See number one.

3. Are any of the characters named Bella, Jacob, or Edward?
These names have been ruined forever. Change the names of your characters before considering publication.

4. Is there an epic moral lesson?
The moral lesson probably is not as epic and deep as you think it is. Focus more on how you present the themes of the book than on having deep dramatic overarching themes.

5. Is there romance?
Please don't write about TRUE LOVE unless you feel as if you have experienced it. (Note: watching Disney movies does not count).

6. How long is this book anyway??
While some authors are...prolific... in their words and create never ending sagas set in foreign lands and past/future times, most people lose interest after 400 pages. PLEASE STOP if you find yourself pushing the 1000 page mark because their is absolutely no novel in the history of earth that should be this long. If you reach 2000 pages I cannot help you.

7. SO... Srayehe and mnepooopop are going to the mystical world of Hejenekj with a Poemkme?
If it looks like these names are random letters it is because they are. Please DO NOT make up names unless you have some sort of comic genius or you are Tolkien. If there are hyphens, apostrophes, or other bizarre symbols in your characters' names I WILL find you.

8. Is it in the second person?
NO SECOND PERSON unless you are trying to revamp the Choose you own Adventure books.

9. Is it in dramatic or angsty verse?
Please. We all were teenagers (I am still a teenager actually...) and we have all read enough of our own dramatic and angst poetry without reading yours. Unless you are writing the next Beowulf please refrain.

10. You told me there would be three books! Why are there seven?!?!?
Please don't do the never ending series thing just so you can keep milking your success.

If you have followed all of these guidelines, Congratulations!

Now, you just have to make sure that your story is interesting, well written, well edited, and not a thinly veiled political statement!

Actually, if you ignore these last tips, you might have a hit on your hands...

ModernHelen

Helen's Horrible Day of Horror

Today was the worst day I have had since the last time I had the worst day that I have had.

First of all, the evil Vertebrate Physiology Test of DOOM, which I  LITERALLY studied fifteen hours for totally kicked my rear. I didn't get the test back, but I can feel my horrible failure in my soul. Thank Jesus I am switching to the Humanities.

Philosophy doesn't care about the innervation of muscle and the excitation-contraction; it cares about the SOUL. Because you know what? The soul innervates THE ENTIRE BODY. That is how freaking awesome it is.

Anyways, after that failure, I was basically miserable. I wrote some of my philosophy paper and that cheered me up. Then, I read about stoicism, and I was like: I'm gonna be a stoic! Yeah! Then, I started crying, and blaming the planet for everything, so I think I pretty much failed at stoicism...

Then, after the inner peace that was philosophy class, I collapsed into a ball of grief and shame. Then I had Subway.

Then I went to get my choir dress, but I REALLY failed at that, because it didn't occur to me that just because Ashley couldn't drive me to the cleaners to pick it up didn't mean one of my other friends and/or acquaintances couldn't have. So, I walked to the Cleaners, and it was like half a mile and the street was busy. At least it wasn't dark.

I was actually starting to feel at peace, causing walking is good for you, but then this complete stranger was like "Nice evening for a walk, isn't it?" Which was probably meant very innocently, but it freaked me out, and I kept looking over my shoulder for the entire walk back because he had a beard, and in Helen's world:

Beard = Creepy.

I know it is wrong and stereotyping, but I just cannot help it.

Then, I saw this adorable puppy, but it barked at me, and made me feel like a mean evil person.

Now, I have to go finish a lab write-up, a lab report, and two papers. I hope you all enjoyed reading about my failure.

ModernHelen

Bumper Stickers

I think that bumper stickers are  okay. How else can you advertise all of your beliefs and opinions to complete strangers? Personally, I am afraid to get bumper stickers. What if someone decides to rear end you and/or set your car on fire because they disagree with the witty phrase that is adhesively attached to your vehicle? But with my luck, I imagine that it might go like this:

Me: I love this bumper sticker! How could anyone not love this "Baby Dolphins are Cute" bumper sticker? I'm going to put it on my car and drive around so that everyone can see how much I love helpless baby aquatic mammals!

The One Crazy Guy on the WHOLE PLANET who hates baby dolphins: That woman has a bumper sticker that says she likes baby dolphins?!!?!? I eat baby dolphins for breakfast! Baby dolphins killed my family with their unbearable cuteness! I'm going to rear end her and/or set her car on fire!


So, you see how even the most innocuous things can lead to your car being set on fire.

With this in mind, I have to wonder about the wisdom of putting more than one bumpersicker, or a few at the very most, on the back of your car. First of all, it looks tacky and screams "I am either still in college or am pretending that I am!" Second of all, with each sticker you add, you increase the risk of someone wanting to set your car on fire:

Me: I'm going to put this "Giraffes are Nifty" sticker next to my "Baby Dolphins are Cute" sticker.

The One Crazy Guy on the WHOLE PLANET who hates baby dolphins: I WILL DESTROY HER CAR!

The One Crazy Guy who takes his lack of  happiness out on giraffes: Giraffes are not nifty! I must teach her a lesson!

So... now there are two people who want to set my car on fire!!!
I guess I should think twice about adding that "The Duck Billed Platypus is Wicked Cool" bumper sticker:

Crazy guy who hates the duck billed platypus: How can it be wicked cool?? It isn't a reptile or a mammal! It needs to make up its damn mind!!!!

So, just keep the bumper sticker madness to a minimum people.

ModernHelen

This is amazing

I love the failblog network! This is a philosophizing velociraptor!!! I want one...
Plus, it makes a true point about government, which I am not a fan of at the moment.

ModernHelen

My Philosophy Teacher

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Life has been beating me with a spork, which is to say I am puzzled and confused, and don't know exactly what I am doing or what is happening...

I have decided that my philosophy teacher is awesome enough to get his own blog post.

Remember how I said that I seem to be magically trustworthy in the minds of teachers? And how I was responsible for making sure that no one left his seat while my teacher went to get his notes? Well, here is another interesting conversation that happened in philosophy

Teacherman: I am keeping you all a little late so that we can get through this. No one has class after two on a friday.

Randomkid: I do!

Teacherman: What?

Randomkid: I have a lab!

Teacherman: No you don't.

Randomkid: Um... yes I do?

Teacherman: You're lying to me.

Soccergirl: He does have class. I have class too! We have classes in the same building.

Teacherman: What?

Soccergirl: I have French at two.

Teacherman: I don't believe either of you. Its all a conspiracy. Helen!

Me: Huh?

Teacherman: Walk over there with them and call me if they are lying.

Me: *Deer in the headlights look*

I did not actually walk over there but it was still a scary moment. Why do I seem to be so trustworthy? I have these slightly slanted elfish eyes; I look slightly tricksy if anything!

Teacherman also likes to make sure that we are all at every class, so he takes attendance...

Teacherman (to one kid): Where is your friend?

Onekid: Uh... he should be here...

Teacherman: I am tired of him coming in late.

Onekid: What, do you want me to call him?

Teacherman:Yes.

Onekid: Um? Okay... (calls friend) Hey... Where are you? (To teacherman).

Teacherman: Give me that (takes phone). Where are you?... Sleeping?... It's after one!... Be here in five minutes (Hangs up phone).

ANYWAYS, today my awesome grandfather sent me about six pounds of chocolate. I think he is trying to get me to gain weight. I gave out chocolate to some of the kids in my philosophy class in a moment of kind-heartedness (and a desperate desire to get rid of some of it before it went straight to my thighs). My philosophy teacher saw the giant package with the chocolate in it.

Teacherman: What's in that?

Me: Chocolate! My grandfather sent it to me!

Teacherman: All chocolate?

Me: Yeah! Would you like a piece?

Teacherman: Your grandfather must love you.

Yep. Chocolate is a proof of my grandfather's love for me as much as coffee is a proof of God's existance.

Here are some other things teacherman has said:

"Don't use that excuse. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday."

"I don't mean to anthropomorphize dogs. Though my yellow lab is loquacious around people whereas the chocolate lab seems a bit more taciturn..."

"I am sure that it is not nothing, which is to say that it is something"

"It would still be Snoopy, albeit a purple Snoopy"

"One of my wife's and my guilty pleasures... not that guilty or that pleasurable...."

Basically, I have a blast in this class. He uses REALLY BIG WORDS but I feel like I am understanding them, which is nice. I also get a sense that he thinks some/all of us are crazy. Though, with some of the questions thrown at him (eg: "Why do we have to think of all these thought experiments?" "Why couldn't he have said that thing that he said the way that you said it?" "When are you going to bring us raisin bread?") I am not surprised.

modernHelen

ps: This was a fun post! I think that I will do some more about my other teachers. Nothing mean; I really like all of my teachers!

The unicorn of the sea!

So, I was on failblog.org (an amazing website), and I found this. I think that it is the best play set ever imagined for children. Look how nicely the animals are pre-impaled to maximum efficiency! Look at the magical array of impaling horns to choose from! Look at the... Koala? I don't think that Koalas live any where near the arctic...

This was a set at Goodwill. I cannot possibly imagine how, at the epically low price of 1.99, this thing has not been snatched up after 38 weeks. What is wrong with the planet? What parent wouldn't want to teach his child about the magic and wonder of one endangered animal impaling other endangered and threatened animals?

I mean, it is called the avenging Narwhal. That penguin, Koala, and seal must have done something to piss her off so much.

Yes, I think that it is a girl narwhal. It is probably because  I am projecting my own inner hatred of penguins, seals, and koalas onto the narwhal.

I'm just kidding. I only hate koalas because I read about one attacking a woman's face at a petting zoo.

In Australia, even the cuddly wildlife wants to eat you.

ModernHelen

You cannot have my dragons!

I have really began to notice that dragons are EVERYWHERE. I challenge you to go into a kids store without finding eighty million dragon things. How to Tame a Dragon was a big hit this last year.

It isn't fair people!

When I was a child, I liked dragons before dragons were cool. I had to work really hard to find dragon things anywhere. Every time I did find something, I did a dance of victory like the hyper-active over-imaginative child that I was.

And now, they are everywhere. The dragon loving children of today have it too easy.

Not only that, dragons have been cheapened, lessened, enslaved to the same cuteness culture that already got the unicorns. I loved How to Tame your Dragon, but it is a real sign of the problem. You can't tame dragons people! And what about Dragon Tales? What the heck is that? Dragons are not cutesy beings whose sole purpose is to babysit annoying human children and learn lessons through non-dangerous "adventures".

Dragons are dangerous. So are unicorns, so are vampires, so are fairies. They are dangerous because they are other. They have rules and culture and law, but these are so very different from human rules and culture and law that we cannot understand them.

Now, Lisa Frank stole the unicorns a long time ago. She drained them of their wildness. She took the deadly point out of the their horns. She imprisoned them in a jail of rainbows and eternal improbable flowers.

Twilight may have sparklified the vampires, but the divergence from the true myth and to more modern interpretations began with Bram Stoker. The vampire as a restless spirit who died before his time and returns from the grave, more zombie or ghost than incubus, is long gone.

The fairies, fortunately, seem to be returning back to their proper place as dangerous and other. I think that Holy Black's novels do an excellent job portraying the old fairies in the modern world. Though Tinkerbell and Disney seem determined to ruin everything. I'm not saying that fairies couldn't be helpful. I'm just saying they usually weren't.

They shall not have the dragons! The dragons will not be tamed and shackled! You can cutesify and dress things up for children (between you an me, children don't need the cuteness. Adults need it so that they feel that their children are protected), but you cannot take my dragons!

DRAGONS WILL RULE THE PLANET!

ModernHelen

ps: Dragons will not really rule the planet because they are not real. Don't be alarmed.

Raisin Bread and Impulse Buys

Today was a Monday.
That means that I had four lecture classes and a three hour lab.
YET. It still managed to be a happy day due to raisin bread and impulse buys.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that my philosophy teacher agreed to bring in raisin bread after discovering that some people did not know what it was. Well, he did not bring in raisin bread.

 But someone did.

It was really amusing. Picture it. A class of college students contentedly eating raisin bread. In walks the teacher. He blinks. Something is amiss. He looks at the identical pieces of raisin bread on each student's desk. He looks at his own desk. There is raisin bread on it.

"Who brought in the raisin bread?" He says, almost angrily.

There is silence.

"Did anyone do anything to this bread and then place it in this position so as to tempt me?"

More silence.

"Seriously, who brought in the raisin bread?"

It was awesome.

Oh! This reminded me of another random philosophy anecdote. So, here is a tangent about that. I will put it in Italics so that you know this is a tangent. You can skip to the end of the tangent if you want to read about my impulse buy.

Apparently, I give off a vibe to teachers. I will call this vibe "I am a good child who follows the rules to a pathological degree. I am trustworthy." This vibe has followed me to college.

After a confused period of frowning at the paper he was holding, my philosophy teacher apparently said "These are not my notes for this class. I will have to go get them." Then, with remarkable alacrity, he turned and pointed at me, stuck in the sixth row of the classroom, and said "Helen, if anybody moves tell me."

Everyone in the classroom swivelled to stare at me, the freak that the teacher deemed trustworthy. Then, some people began to grin. They began to hover halfway out of their seats and do all kinds of other balancing acts.

"Hey Holly! Am I out of my seat?"

"No, you are not. And my name is Helen."

"Oh... "

I am glad that I go to a college full of smart and mature young adults.


We're back to my impulse buy story!

I was leaving Vertebrate Physiology Lecture when I notice there is a plant sale going on. Then, I feel a strange need fill my soul. It is a need that can only be filled with an impulse buy.

So, I bought a cactus. It is a beautiful cactus. It has spiky thorns and bright green leaves and crimson flowers and it only cost two dollars.

I named her Lorelei, and she is the bestest impulse buy in the history of all  impulse buys.

I hope you enjoyed my random Monday. Please keep reading so that I can feel validated.

ModernHelen

Helen the destroyer

Today during Philosophy, I broke a pen. No big deal. They are all made in China nowadays. Then, I broke another pen. I was a little concerned by my klutziness. Then, I began to reminisce on all the things I have broken in the twoish months that I have been in school.

1. Pens and Pencils

2. Plastic Hangers

3. Metal Hangers

4. Laundry Machines (technically, these machines break constantly, but I think that they must really not like me, because they break EVERYTIME that I have clothes in them).

5. Scissors

6. A binder

7. A 50 mL beaker in Chem lab

8. My shower scrubby thingy

9. A belt

10. A pair of sandals

11. Earrings


OMG. I am Helen the destroyer. I break all things. I should come with a warning label. I should not be allowed into rooms with nice things.

And, lastly, #12, I have broken my life plan. I need to figure out a new one, since I switched to Philosophy as my major now.

ModernHelen

ps: There will probably be a lot of posts in list form for a while because I really like lists!

Things my roomate has lost in her "blackhole of a bed"

Written with Ashley's permission

1. paperclips

2. thumbtacks (I do not know why these were anywhere near where she sleeps...)

3. her phone ("Oh no! It's stuck in the crack between the bed and the wall! Don't fall don't fall don't fall!!!")

4. phone charger

5. Three-hole puncher

6. tape measure

7 belts

8. clothes ("I thought that I had lost all these clothes and they were in my bed!")

9.hangers

10. dry wall (she had a fail with sticking fake spider-webs to the ceiling...)

11. headphones

12. hair ties

13. Scissors (this is dangerous)


Oh the woes of midterm week! It has made both of us really really crazy! She could have died by scissors!!!

Remember children: never sleep with scissors. Or thumbtacks.

ModernHelen

The scariest movies I didn't see

I was going to write about scary movies that I did see, but I thought this might be more entertaining.

1. The Hannah Montana Movie (or, whatever it was called..): Technically, I have seen bits and pieces of the movie. What I saw terrified me. Who is this unprofessional young woman warping the minds of young girls everywhere with her impossible and outlandish dilemmas? Why is she pulling such cruel pranks on people? Where the heck is any sort of parental discipline? And, most importantly, does this alter-ego thing mean that dissociative mental states are okay?

2. The Saw movies: Why would you want to watch people die horribly for several hours? I mean, does Jimmy Jo-Average just get his average friends together and say "Lols! Let's watch this movie where everybody DIES HORRIBLY. Then, let's watch all the sequels! We are totally desensitized to violence now!! How's about we bring our underage children too?" I mean, I have a kinda funky sense of humor but just the idea of watching a movie like this freaks me out.

3. Wrong Turn (1, 2, 3, and possibly 4? Is there a 4th one people?): At what point can a movie with inbred cannibals in it be made? Well, I guess it got made because Eliza Dushkau signed on for it.Okay. That makes sense because she is awesome. The next question is: Why are there two (possibly three) sequels??? What?!?!

4. Howard the Duck: Any movie about a giant duck goes against the natural order of things. Therefore, it is terrifying. I would probably have nightmare for a week from such a movie.

5. Shrek the Fourth: STOP MAKING a FOURTH MOVIE!!! I like trilogies. There is a logical sense in the number three. I don't know where the logical sense comes from, but it is there. I have not seen this movie, but I have heard that it is terrifyingly bad and terrifyingly confusing. What is going to become of the generation of children after me who grow up to be even greater spazzes than I am? That is scary. If they make a fourth Toy Story movie I will probably have to hurt somebody in Pixar. For the good of the children.

6. The latest Eddie Murphy movies and the latest Nicole Kidman movies: I love both of these actors. They have done some beautiful work. But lately their movies have had terrifyingly bad performances in the box office. They are clearly doing something wrong. Let's face it: If the two of them teamed up, they would probably create a movie that tanked so badly that our world would be thrown into a never ending night and the very gates of hell would open. Chaos would rain on earth, things would be topsy-turvy, and Lindsey Lohan would probably win an Oscar.

There are a lot more scary movies that I have not seen, but I am too afraid to list anymore.

ModernHelen

Run away to the humanities!!!

I would like to apologize to the few loyal followers that I have for not updating sooner. I have been going through a little turbulence in my first semester of college. It will result in a few changes to my blog.

I am changing majors. I am running away from Biology and switching to an English/Philosophy double major with a minor in Biology, and possibly a minor in Psychology too.

I really should have seen this coming. Even when I was reading all of the science books that I read last summer and contemplating what a truly awesome person I was, and what an amazing scientist I was going to be, I had my doubts.

Whenever I told people that I was going to major in Biology, I would follow it with "But, maybe I will run away to the humanities. LOL!!!" I guess my subconscious understands me. I mean, it has to. It has lived with me, my craziness, my over-enthusiasm, and my near-constant panic for my whole life. It knew ALL ALONG, and it did try to warn me, but I was too caught up in the technocratic pressure of society, and the empowerment of being a MODERN woman in the sciences.

I would do fine in Biology. I understand the information and I am proficient at the labs and the technology. I just do not want to do it. It does not come easily to me. I have to work like a chipmunk who downed a double-shot espresso in order to get the technological aspects of the science and the lab into my head.

On the other hand, English has always been the one subject that never concerned me. I read quickly and at a high level of comprehension. I may use incorrect grammar and made-up words in this blog, but in the real world I am pretty awesome at grown-up writing. For goodness sakes! What was I thinking? I guess I was intent on being MODERN Helen.

I began to realize that my philosophy and honors courses were of greater interest to me than anything else. They were fun and I got to TALK. I really really like to talk. I love the sciences, but I am more interested in the implications of the sciences for humans (hence the double major in English and Philosophy and the science minors). I want to learn about ethics and come up with my own ideas about how to live in a world full of science and technology while still keeping a sense of human worth.

I am going to get this double-major, go on to get a PhD,  and then get to live in college forever as a professor. I shall teach awesomeness, and I will get to read, and write and talk ALL THE TIME. It will be magical, and I will be happy (mostly) and I will not have to use computers for crazy statistical analysis ever again.

HOORAY!!!

ModernHelen

Random Wikipedia Madness

I have decided that I will broaden my foundation of interesting but useless facts by wikipediaing random articles. Today I learned about New Germany Minnesota. It has a population of 346 (as of 2000) and is only .6 miles square. It  looks kinda depressing.

Darn. I am not awesome enough to have a wikipedia entry. I suppose I will have to discover something amazing in order for that to happen...

Also, apparently Canada had a 2008-2010 automotive crisis. This is the first I have heard of that. But hey, what happens in Canada stays in Canada. Really, has anyone ever heard of anything in the automotive industry that is in Canada? That's right! It stays in Canada!

I find it amusing that the Batman article is MASSIVELY long. It is longer than:

1. Lady Gaga's article
2. Charlie Chaplin's article
3. The article on Dragons
4. The article on Velociraptors
5. The article on Pants
6. The article on cookies
7. The article on Marie Curie
8. The article on Life
9. The article on Death

So, from now on I have decided that nothing/no one is important unless it/he has an article of Wikipedia that is longer than the Batman article. It is a sad thing to discover that pants are not that important, but I suppose that I can go without if I must. Incidentally, my new random goal in life is to have an article longer than the Batman article on Wikipedia.

Dunanananananananana BATMAN!

ModernHelen

Here is a quasi-educational rant about vampires

I have decided to type something "educational". Sometimes.

By educational, I mean some random facts about something that I find amusing that will almost certainly degenerate into another fun fun Internet rant.


A lot of people are part of team Mr. Edward sparkle pants, the magically-angsty teen dream hunk vampire that has invaded the world of pre-teen (scary!) up to middle aged (scarier!) women. But this is not a real vampire, you silly sillies.

Real vampires have serious B.O. and are really more like zombies. The trouble started with Bram Stoker, who created a character who was really too alluring (though still creepy) to be a real vampire. After this, I think someone just took traditional succubus/incubus mythology (these are female/male demons that seduced  people and feed on sexual energy) and vampires and stuck them in a blender.
 
This generated a slew of vampire novels and books that were high on sexual energy and horror. My favorite vampires are the Buffy ones. They are so lame! Buffy just shoves a pencil through their chests and they explode! And who can not love the bad ass Lost Boys vampires? Or the disturbing role of Kristen Dunst in The Interview with a Vampire?

Then, along came Ms. Stephanie Meyer. And she took that blender of fairly awesomeness and she had to add sparkles. And angst. And immortal teenager hood. Seriously, who wants to be a teenager forever? Immortal acne anyone?

So, there is a tiny bit of info about vampires.

I just read over the post again and there is not really much info about vampires there...

Oh well. This is my blog and I have my own fun.

ModernHelen

The saga of the glasses

Once upon a time, a young woman went to visit her aunt. Her aunt looked at her prescription sunglasses and said "when did you get those?"
The woman replied "when I was fourteen".
"But you're eighteen now."
"They still fit."
"They are little girl glasses Helen."
"I like them!"
"You are a woman. You need grown-up glasses."

And so, the woman went with her aunt to a magical place called: The Lenscrafters of L.A.

Something you should know about this woman: She is me (well, duh.). Also, she has RIDICULOUSLY expensive lenses because her prescription is really really bad. So, having her lovely aunt buy her prescription sunglasses as a graduation gift was a happy happy thing.

And thus began the saga of the glasses.

1. We go to get glasses. But, little cousin, while a darling, is two, and therefore makes life a bit of a hell. Finally, two exhaustive hours later, a pair of sunglasses has been picked out.

2. They do not have the lenses in stock. They will have to order them. Okay...

3. I am now home, sans glasses. They haven't gotten the lenses in yet.

4. Two weeks pass. They still do not have the lenses.

5. I call them. The lenses have arrived. VICTORY! Except, they have a major scratch in them. They shall have to order them again.

6. About three weeks pass. I am really nervous at this point, because I am leaving for college in a few days, and I need those glasses!

7. I leave for college. I am now at college, sans glasses.

8. Finally, two months after the glasses are initially ordered, they arrive near my college. I do not have a car...

9. After a week, my roommate and I go to pick up my glasses.

10. Triumph! My lovely lovely grown-up glasses.

11. They are TOO BIG. I try to get them adjusted. Apparently, this is impossible. My prescription is so very bad that the glasses frames cannot be bent small enough to fit my freakishly delicate face because the lenses are practically as thick as old-timey coke bottles.

12. Finally, my grandmother is able to give my a lift out to the Lenscrafters AGAIN so that I can bring the glasses back. They try to get me to but another pair of glasses while I am there and to exchange them. I get a scary scary look on my face. It is the look of fear that this will start again. They give me a check.

13. I deposit the check. So, now I have money and no prescription sunglasses. After almost THREE MONTHS the saga is over.

14. The saga of how to spend the money begins. Maybe I should go to Mexico and drink me some Tequila (just kidding Mom).

The moral of the story is that if you have a bad eyesight you do not deserve grown-up prescription sunglasses. You should just give up now.

I still have my little girl prescription sunglasses though, and they still fit, and I still like them.

ModernHelen

you know you are tired when...

1. You find yourself staring at your hand. Has it always looked like that?

2. A song is stuck in your head, but the words are all confused, and you find yourself humming it slightly, at double time, and there are red crazy colors to match it parading across your brain.

3. You start giggling because you are so tired. The giggling turns into a fit of hysterical laughter that soon degenerates to gasping in pain while your roommate stares at you. This is usually a good time to stop studying and go to sleep, because you are not going to get ANYTHING done.

4. Very random snippets of dialogue and plot start going through your brain. If you are not careful, you will probably become convinced that Star Wars is the story of how a young punk teenager learned karate from a Jedi trainer who turned out to be his evil twin and that I had to stop him from catching all of the Pokemon and then went to space to fight the aliens and attend an intergalactic dance party on the death star. My brain has never actually come up with anything this spastically awesome, but I bet it could if I went without sleep for long enough and had many many coffees it could happen.

5. You become increasingly paranoid. There must be some psychopath somewhere in the room. Maybe he is in the closet. Maybe if you hide under the covers he will not ax murder you, or he will at least do it quickly...

6. You go on the Internet. You keep scrolling through failblog.org and related sites. You are kinda zoned out, so you do not register what is going on. But, you get this terrific idea. You should write a post! You clearly have something awesome to say to the world.

7. You write this post.

ModernHelen

ps. : Alex, I know that I told you I would give you a shout-out for something, but I forgot what it was, so I am giving you a shout-out about how I am SO tired that I have forgotten about shout-outs.

pps: The spell check reminded me that pokemon is capitalized to Pokemon (awesome). Also, spastically is apparently not a word, but spastic ally is. I would like a spastic ally...

Things I am allergic to

Everybody is allergic to stuff. We humans may have pretty awesome immune systems, but they freak out sometimes and see a piece of mold or peanut or shellfish and go "OMG! We're gonna die!" and make your skin break out in horrible horrible hives...

Anyway, I thought I'd share what I am allergic to with all of my devoted readers.

1. Something in the dust that lives in old books
I don't know what it is, but I am allergic to one (possibly more than one) substance in old books. I get uncomfortable after about two hours in old book stores, which is sad because they have cheap books and I am a cheap person who likes cheap books.

2. Bananas and Melons
They make my mouth feel itchy and strange. Personally, I don't think I'm missing anything. Melons are annoying and squishy and bananas are only good in bread.

3. Band-aid Adhesive
I rediscovered this when I removed a band aid today, and my skin looked all funky. Perhaps if I was less clumsy, and therefore had fewer cuts, and therefore was exposed to less band aid adhesive, this would not have happened.

4. Vicodin
Remember how I am not allowed to take this medicine? I'm allergic to it. It made my skin all itchy. You know, going off of Vicodin early after having your wisdom teeth removed is an enlightening experience. Seriously, you will completely swear off natural child-birth. You'll be like "Gimme some drugs nurse! I don't wanna be in pain without drugs ever again!"

5. Stupidity

6.A mystery substance
I do not know what it was that caused a massive allergic reaction about three years ago, but it was bad. I woke up in the middle of the night and my legs felt itchy and strangely heavy. I couldn't sleep. Then, when I got up, I discovered that there were hives on MY ENTIRE BODY (almost). Naturally, being a slight hypochondriac, I decided that I had flesh eating bacteria. I woke my mom up, and she was scared, and she drove me to the hospital. The doctor was like "It's just an allergic reaction. If it was really flesh-eating bacteria, and it was that widespread, there would be nothing more we could do." Translation: 'You overreacted small blonde child. Good thing that you don't have flesh eating bacteria or you would be DEAD. Lols!!!'

I do not know what caused the reaction. I thought that it was cayenne pepper, but I have eaten it since without incident. I think that it might have been soap.

ModernHelen

Ps: I'm not sure if you read this Jeff, but I am totally proud of you and I don't want you to let anyone get you down. People will be stupid. I know because I am a people, and I am often stupid.

The Creepiest Bathroom Ever

I have seen some really creepy bathrooms in my short life. I've seem bathrooms that have no right angles, bathrooms with doors that do not offer adequate privacy, bathrooms with too many stalls that go on forever, bathrooms with terrible plumbing, and bathrooms that are clearly not for human use.

But today, at my very own college, I had the pleasure of discovering a bathroom that Stephen King could probably write a story about, with craziness, hallucinations, and possibly eerie time-travel.

I was innocently studying in the Library when I came across it. As I stepped into its interior, the air seemed to change, becoming flat and strange smelling. There was no sound from outside. It was as if I had entered a dead zone.

The tiles were a disgusting color. They were the color of the teeth of a habitual coffee drinker who has not discovered the wonder of  whitening trays. There was an ominous humming from the lights.

As I glanced at the stalls, I instinctively jerked my head back. They were orange. Not a natural orange. Not an industrial human-made orange. This orange was manufactured in the depths of Hades and then sent up to earth because it was too freaky for the demons to handle.

There was a giant old-fashioned NO SMOKING sign. And, it what appears to have been a half-hearted attempt at bringing the plumbing into this century, there were two different styles of sinks. One of the sinks had one of those mirrors that opens out into a medicine drawer above it. The mirror was slightly open, and I was afraid to open it all the way.

After washing my hands, I turned to the paper towel dispenser. There were no paper towels. There were, however, several rolls of toilet paper shoved into the paper towel dispenser. I do not know how they got there.

I left the bathroom with a sense of having escaped something inexplicable. The atmosphere returned to normal the second I left.

I am never ever going in there again. It was CREEPY!

ModernHelen

Ps: A shout out to my parents for being awesome enough to read and enjoy my blog. You are very special parents, and I am very lucky that all of your specialness rubbed off on me, making  me extra-super special.

I think my brain is trying to kill me

Guys, I hope I'm not coming off as paranoid by saying this, but I really do think that my brain is trying to kill me. It has not been at all cooperative lately. It has been obstinate, dumb, overly-hyper, sleep-deprived, and strange. In the last week...

1. I have had "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga playing on a nearly continuous loop. Sometimes, my brain will throw in random lines from "Poker Face" or "Paparazzi" just to put the icing on the cake. This is fun for the first HOUR, but then you start to feel kinda crazy. And, you can't just start dancing like a disturbed fashion-challenged pop-star and singing "I want your ugly, I want your disease". It gives people the wrong idea.

2. I have had TWO insomnia attacks. I thought my brain and I had come to a truce about this. I thought that the limit was ONE insomnia attack per week. Well, I guess my brain broke that truce.

3. My brain has been making me eat sugar. Seriously, I can not stop thinking about chocolate, and cupcakes, and ice cream. Clearly, my brain is trying to make me very unhealthy so that I am susceptible to many horrible horrible illnesses. Then, I will die.

4. I have had really bad nightmares. My brain has recruited my subconscious to the cause of trying to kill me by interfering EVEN MORE with my sleep-cycle. If I have to survive one more zombie apocalypse or run away from one more velociraptor (apparently, I am not their queen :(...), I may start to become paranoid during the day. Then, I will be jumpy, and possibly accuse random people of being zombies and/or velociraptors.

5. I have been drinking MASSIVE amounts of coffee. My brain has been refusing to work (due to the sleep-deprivation of its own devising) without coffee, so I have been drinking about three cups a day, which makes me hyper and more paranoid, and makes it harder for me to fall asleep, continuing the cycle of death.

6. My brain has been procrastinating so that I do not pick up my room. It kinda looks like a war zone right now. I almost slipped on my choir binder and broke my neck last night!

7. My brain is so evil, that it has decided killing me is not enough. No, it is taking out my poor (mostly) innocent roommate too. Ashley has been having a strange amounts of trouble getting onto her lofted bed. Her side of the room also looks like a war zone. In fact, our belongings have joined forces and taken over the floor, making walking a perilous proposition.

In conclusion, my brain is TOTALLY trying to kill me. If I stop blogging, it is probably because I am dead. Or maybe, just distracted. By "Bad Romance".

ModernHelen

The People of College Land

College is a magical place. You get to be on hiatus from doing real grownup things, and all that is expected of you is that you become marginally proficient in a specific skill set. Unless you are going to Grad school or Med school or something. Then you have to be more awesome than Batman.

I have met some truly hilarious people at college, and some of them have been reading this blog! Hooray for them! Shout out to Earth Goddess. Also, a shout out to Alex who said, in all seriousness, that he would take off his pants if I gave him a shout out. He offered twice... A shout out to my very excellent roommate who understands that I am a little bit crazy, because she is a little bit crazy too.

Also, a shout out to Patrick for calling me at 8:30 last night when I was frantically finishing my Lab Report and making me think that my ENTIRE LIFE had been a lie. The conversation went roughly like this:

Me: Hello?

Patrick: Helen I'm so disappointed in you.

Me: Patrick?? What's up?

Patrick: You're a liar. It's not a dragon, it's a griffin.

Me: What?

Patrick: Your Welsh flag (I have a Welsh flag. I mentioned it in an earlier post). It's Welsh. It's not a dragon, it's a griffin.

Me: No, it's a dragon.

Patrick: It's a griffin Helen.

Me: No, it's a dragon. It has to be a dragon. If it isn't a dragon, my ENTIRE LIFE has been a lie.

Patrick: It's a griffin.

Me: Are you telling me that my entire life has been a LIE?? It can't be a griffin.

Patrick: It's a griffin.

(this goes on for a while. I become more and more anguished...)

Me: LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET IT HAS TO BE A DRAGON!! PLEASE DON'T LET MY LIFE BE A LIE!! (I really was this desperate...)

Patrick: (presumably looking up the Welsh flag on the Internet)...

Me: Patrick?!?!

Patrick: It is a dragon.

Me: I told you! Next time look things up on the Internet before you try to convince me that my entire life has been a lie!

Patrick: Sorry (doesn't sound even a tiny bit sorry for the mental turmoil he caused me).

Me: I have to finish this lab report.

Patrick: Bye.

So, you see how random conversations in college can be...

There are many more awesome people out there. As hilarious stories occur to me, I will tell them. Thank you everyone who is reading this blog and making me feel loved! The rest of you should be reading this. It's insane brilliance may rub off on you and bring you closer to enlightenment.

ModernHelen

Coffee as a Proof of God's Existence

I have been studying for a philosophy test that deals with, among other things, God and proofs for/against his existence. You see, in Western thought, philosophy and theology have been intermingly for a LONG LONG time.

So... as I was studying at one in the morning,wishing that I had coffee, it suddenly dawned on me that I had the single greatest argument for God's existence ever. Anyone who is overly caffeinated and cannot function without his cup-of-joe will agree with me. God will be giving me massive brownie points for turning so many atheists to the light in one fell swoop!

Helen's Brilliant Proof for God's Existence

1. God is infinite good.

2. Consumption of coffee makes life infinitely better.

3. Coffee, the source of infinite betterment, must have been created by something infinitely good.

4. Coffee must have been created by God.

5.Because coffee exists and it was created by God, God, the creator of coffee, must exist.

This can also apply to chocolate!!! Seriously, just replace coffee with chocolate and you have another proof.

ModernHelen

How to be Self-Righteous

Have you ever noticed that everyone is so darn self-righteous? Have you watched with fascination as their faces reddened, cringed beneath the force of their rhetoric, and dodged their spittle of indignation? Well, you can be self-righteous too! Simply follow these easy steps...

1. Practice your self-righteous face and voice
-remember to use emphatic gestures and BIG words
-the more annoying your voice gets, the more you win!
-add in phrases like "I'm no expert but..." or "Anyone with sense can see..."

2. Forget all the rules of polite conversation
-this isn't about talking to someone! It's about talking at someone
-bonus points if you prove the other person wrong or send them away in tears

3. Find a topic to be self-righteous about
-this is the fun and easy part! You don't even have to know what you are talking about!
-remember, your topic should be unimportant and/or not applicable to you
-scientific terms (make them up if you have to) will confuse people and give you VICTORY

4. Find some people to unleash your self-righteous fury on
-small children and the elderly are good targets
-DO NOT take on lawyers; they know a lot of big words. They also know some Latin words and are fluent in legalese. They will win.

5. Let your self-righteous fury shine

ex: "I'm no expert but you, sir, are an imbecilic baboon-man if you doubt the rights of the sea-slug, also known as the Seacus Awesomeus Slugucus! I will rail against you until part of your soul withers away and you go cry like the baboon-man that you are!"

ModernHelen

ps: Thank you so much to my three subscribers! You guys are awesome. I feel really special. I'll try to keep being funny and/or strange. Feel free to comment!

Dragons logically follow Dinosaurs

I am sure that we all have strange things that happened in our childhood.

But I bet we are not all ready to pour the shame, embarrassment, and stupidity that haunted our younger selves into a blog that ten people have glanced at.

Well, maybe a lot of people are...

This is only part 1 because I know I will remember more weirdness from my childhood.

Helen and Dinosaurs
dinosaurs never cease to be awesome. However, there was a time in my youth when they were particularly awesome. I was about three the year I decided I wanted a Velociraptor for Christmas (a plastic one you morons. Dinosaurs are all extinct). So, on Christmas I got a PLASTIC VELOCIRAPTOR!!!!...

This ruined me for normalcy. I'm convinced of it. Mom, you ruined me for normal life by indulging in my crazy dinosaur wanting whims. Now, I am going to be a scientist and work with DNA and I will probably clone velociraptors (except I will use chickens not frogs. Stupid Michael Critchon), and they will eat us. No, actually they will probably regard me as their velociraptor queen. It will be magical..

You see? Did you see how crazy that was?? I will never ever be normal ever.

Helen and Dragons
Okay, Dragons are the next logical step from dinosaurs, right? I mean, they are dinosaurs but they BREATHE FIRE AND FLY and maybe, they TALK to you and stuff.

Well, I have liked dragons since kindergarten. You see, I had decided that being a girly-girl was stupid. The logical thing was obviously to become a NOT girly-girl. Ergo, dragons.

Dragons cured me of some of my sensory integration issues! You see, the color red used to make me cry, but then I got this awesome Welsh flag. If you do not know what a Welsh flag looks like, google it. It is green and white and has a giant awesome bright red dragon at the center. Suddenly, the color red did not bother me anymore.

And I was unhealthily obsessed with dragons. To the point where I remember staring up at the ceiling at a friend's sleepover party and wishing that a dragon would kidnap me (not really sure on what a dragon would do with a hyper active crazy child who wants to clone velociraptors) and I would have magical adventures.

In fact, I think that I believed in dragons until I was about 12. I stopped believing only when I realized that Santa was not real, or else he would have brought me the dragon egg that I had asked for. Then I realized that if Santa, the leprechaun, the Easter bunny, and fairies were not real then dragons probably weren't either.

But, part of me is still convinced that any day now that dragon is going to show up and bring me magical adventures.

Well, a hot guy on a motorcycle would work too (I have grown up a little bit). But he better be pretty damn hot to compete with a dragon. He better be Tom Felton or Tatum Channing or something.

Modern Helen

Why cursive is stupid and handwriting is obsolete

I remember well the days of elementary school. I was a small emotionally unstable child who got good grades in pretty much everything.

Except for handwriting and/or cursive.

Learning cursive felt like a punishment from God. I think that Dante left it out in his inferno. It is definitely in one of the rings of hell.

Probably the one at the very center.

Anyways, cursive was basically something that you learn in third or fourth grade and then never use again, unless you like calligraphy or are a glutton for punishment or something. I honestly do not get cursive. It isn't even that easy to read, and it makes my hand cramp to move my pencil in all those stupid look-at-me-I'm-a-magnificent-showoff loops. And handwriting: who cares how bad your handwriting is as long as you can read it, and it is marginally legible on tests? Thanks to the magnificent bounty of technology, we type everything up anyway.

I know there are a few of you who are proud of your sickeningly beautiful handwriting. Good for you. I guess you did not have enough love as a child and were forced to pour all of your heart into creating perfectly rounded "o" s and exactly perpendicular "l"s. Good luck finding a spouse who can stand your creepily exact script.

But, here is my ultimate vindication. The ACT* has a place where you basically have to write " I promise that I didn't cheat, and if I ever tell anyone about this test you can take my kneecaps and my gerbil, if I have one" IN CURSIVE. And you know what? It takes twenty minutes because no one has used cursive since childhood, and that time is kinda fuzzy. WE ALL FAKE IT.

So HAHAHAHA 3rd and 4th grade cursive! Even when I was a small hyperactive child I knew that you were stupid and useless.

* The ACT is an assessment test high school kids take for college, in case you didn't already know that**

**If you didn't know that, you are clearly living in your own little box, and I envy you. There isn't room for cursive in a box...

ModernHelen

Things my brain automatically assumes

I like lists. Here's another one!

1. Small blackish things that might be spiders ARE spiders.

2. If you are carrying a plastic bag, it has candy in it. I don't care if I see old shoelaces poking out from the top, I know there is candy in there somewhere. And I know that it is for me.

3. The only logical conclusion to the phrase "the phantom of-" is "-the opera".

4. If you start singing, you want me to join you.

5. If the closet door is open, then it is because there is an invisible closet monster in there.

6. Shiny=Awesome

If you think my brain associations are stupid and/or damaging to my chances of winning at life, then you are obviously wrong, because I am totally winning at life!

That's what my mommy thinks.

ModernHelen

Medicines I am not Allowed to Take

Today, I took non-drowsy allergy medication because the doctor told me it might make my wooziness go away (I have had vertigo due to the climate change at my new college).

It should have said: "Non-drowsy. Unless your name is Helen. If your name is Helen, you will be really out of it during Honors and Choir so HAHAHA!!! I'm gonna ruin your Thursday!"

At least I didn't take it before my chemistry lab. That would have been really really interesting. In a horrible way...

Anyways, here is a list* of the medications I cannot take due to funny funny weirdness of my biochemistry.

1. Non-Drowsy Medicine:

Previously discussed. Will make me drowsy. And also slightly spacey.

2. Vicodin:

Anyone who has had there wisdom teeth removed has probably taken Vicodin. It is kinda awesome, because it warps your perspective of time and life. I was watching Wuthering Height two days after my wisdom teeth removal on Vicodin, and I think that there was angst and somebody fell/jumped/was pushed off some kind of cliff. The whole movie blurred into this twenty minute span in mu brain, but I am fairly certain it was over two hours long.

Seriously people! You get up in the morning, take your Vicodin with your smoothied-yogurt, because real yogurt is too tough on your stitches and will make your mouth bleed, and then it is suddenly night time, and you are staring at a tv screen wondering why that one lady fell/jumped/was pushed off of that one cliff.

3. Any kind of multi-symptom cold relief:

This stuff makes me legitimately high. I took some and I could not move for three hours. I lay half conscious on the sofa, and then on my parents bed (I don't remember getting there...) with massive visual hallucinations.

There was a dancing fruit line. I mean it! I saw giant pieces of fruit with arms and legs dancing. And there was conga music. And then cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer** was on a beach, with the dancing fruit line, and I had a martini. Then, I started to hear this voice and I was like, what is that? It sounds like Michelle Obama?! And you know what? It was. Someone had left the tv on, and I could not move, so I lay there, listening to Michelle Obama talking over the conga music of the dancing fruit line as various characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer refilled my martini glass.

4. Melatonin

You know that whole theory about how "melatonin will make you sleepy and your brain produces it naturally when you go to bed?" The correct theory is "melatonin will make you sleepy...UNLESS you are Helen. Then it will make you strangely excited and hyper and you will be convinced that someone is going to break into the house that night and get you."

No more melatonin for me. Ever. I thought my heart was going to explode out of my eardrums.

5. Ambien

This stuff really does knock me out. But then, I wake up with a pounding heart at two in the morning, and I am unable to convince my body that nothing exciting and/or horrible is going to happen. Also, I think that every piece of lint is a spider, but that is kinda normal.

That's all for now!

ModernHelen

*I like lists.

**BEST. SHOW. EVER.