Today, I took non-drowsy allergy medication because the doctor told me it might make my wooziness go away (I have had vertigo due to the climate change at my new college).
It should have said: "Non-drowsy. Unless your name is Helen. If your name is Helen, you will be really out of it during Honors and Choir so HAHAHA!!! I'm gonna ruin your Thursday!"
At least I didn't take it before my chemistry lab. That would have been really really interesting. In a horrible way...
Anyways, here is a list* of the medications I cannot take due to funny funny weirdness of my biochemistry.
1. Non-Drowsy Medicine:
Previously discussed. Will make me drowsy. And also slightly spacey.
2. Vicodin:
Anyone who has had there wisdom teeth removed has probably taken Vicodin. It is kinda awesome, because it warps your perspective of time and life. I was watching Wuthering Height two days after my wisdom teeth removal on Vicodin, and I think that there was angst and somebody fell/jumped/was pushed off some kind of cliff. The whole movie blurred into this twenty minute span in mu brain, but I am fairly certain it was over two hours long.
Seriously people! You get up in the morning, take your Vicodin with your smoothied-yogurt, because real yogurt is too tough on your stitches and will make your mouth bleed, and then it is suddenly night time, and you are staring at a tv screen wondering why that one lady fell/jumped/was pushed off of that one cliff.
3. Any kind of multi-symptom cold relief:
This stuff makes me legitimately high. I took some and I could not move for three hours. I lay half conscious on the sofa, and then on my parents bed (I don't remember getting there...) with massive visual hallucinations.
There was a dancing fruit line. I mean it! I saw giant pieces of fruit with arms and legs dancing. And there was conga music. And then cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer** was on a beach, with the dancing fruit line, and I had a martini. Then, I started to hear this voice and I was like, what is that? It sounds like Michelle Obama?! And you know what? It was. Someone had left the tv on, and I could not move, so I lay there, listening to Michelle Obama talking over the conga music of the dancing fruit line as various characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer refilled my martini glass.
4. Melatonin
You know that whole theory about how "melatonin will make you sleepy and your brain produces it naturally when you go to bed?" The correct theory is "melatonin will make you sleepy...UNLESS you are Helen. Then it will make you strangely excited and hyper and you will be convinced that someone is going to break into the house that night and get you."
No more melatonin for me. Ever. I thought my heart was going to explode out of my eardrums.
5. Ambien
This stuff really does knock me out. But then, I wake up with a pounding heart at two in the morning, and I am unable to convince my body that nothing exciting and/or horrible is going to happen. Also, I think that every piece of lint is a spider, but that is kinda normal.
That's all for now!
ModernHelen
*I like lists.
**BEST. SHOW. EVER.
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