Nightmares

Ever since I was a smaller and, presumably, more innocent child I have had nightmares. I don't mean vague scary dreams with unintimidating disney villains. I mean nightmares, from the original etymology of the word!*

*The night mare was a horse that came at night and you hopelessly rode upon, tormented by devils who apparently have nothing better to do, while in your underwear. (or something... it was on wikipedia...)

Here are my most favoritest nightmares that I would like to share with you. In list form. Because I like lists.

1) There was a harpy who was trying to STEAL MY SOUL! Fortunately, my utter terror caused my body to throw me violently off my bed. Onto the safety of my nightstand.

2) There was a zombie apocalypse and I was trying to hide in the ceiling at my old high school, but my high school has stupid ceilings, and all of my classmates were zombies, and I knew that they were going to ignore all the biological stupidity of eating my brains and go ahead and eat them anyway!

3) The characters of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer were trying to kill me. This was a seriously bad dream. I am a tiny person with noodle arms and Buffy could probably kill me in 2.5 seconds.

4) There was a dragon on a cloud and he was trying to eat me, and I had to get him back into the book where he belonged by making a magical amulet out of butterflies, but they are not very cooperative, and then I had to run away and hide from the dragon and my abject failure.

5) My history teacher told me my research paper on Heloise of Paraclete was so poorly written that he had given me a negative F. I do not know what a negative F is... (I got a 98 on the paper!!!).

6) There was a werewolf who was trying to STEAL MY SOUL (is my soul popular? Is it more popular than me?!?!). But, then he did, and it made me evil, and I picked up this battle axe that I randomly had and I went medieval on his stupid lycanthropic ass!!!

7) There was this evil house that would not let me leave because it was sentient and it wanted someone to clean it forever and ever and ever.

8) The phantom of the opera took a bite out of my pesto bagel!!! Don't laugh people; that was a terribly tragic moment for me. Also, he then kidnapped this girl I know, Leslie (I know you are an alto Leslie, but apparently my brain doesn't...).

9) The worms from the Tremors movies were attacking and Julia ran up to me to warn me about it screaming, "They're after the children!" And I was afraid because I am very small and short, and I bet that a bunch of prehistoric worms would totally think I was a child based off of the vibrations that I was making...

10) The world ended and I was watching it (from space?) and then this one guy was like, "so now what?" and an alien exploded out of his chest...

aliens 1 humans 0...

In retrospect, those dreams aren't really that scary on paper. But they were terrifying in my brain.

modernhelen