Roads and Google Maps are Trying to Kill Me

So I was setting forth in the bitter winter cold to go to a concert.

According to Google maps, this trip was supposed to take 18 minutes. According to actual experience, it took about forty.

See, this great state has stupid stupid roads. For some unfathomable reason, there is no reflective paint. Anywhere. This is a state that routinely has snow, sleet, ice, rain, fog, and any number of other horrible weather conditions. So whenever there is bad weather, you can't see anything. And when I'm driving in the dark, half the time I find myself guessing about where the lanes are.

In addition to all this nonsense, the road signs are so small that it is impossible to tell what road the cross-street is until you have passed it. When you're on the freaking highway, you can't slow down at every intersection! And the signs are green. GREEN with WHITE letters. Guess what else? They are barely more reflective than the roads.

So, I had a fun* adventure finding my turn off from the highway. An adventure that involved passing the right street, swearing, turning around, passing the street again, swearing, somehow ending up in a funeral parlor parking lot, and finally taking the right turn.

This is bad at the best of times. It is worse when you are rather ill and your sinuses are threatening to revolt against you, taking your vestibular sense (that's your ability to balance) and your ability to process simple information with them.

It got worse when I tried to find a  road which, apparently, only existed in google map's imagination. So then I found myself on a side road screaming horrible horrible swears at my steering wheel whilst shaking my head like a mad dog. Some of these swears had not passed my lips since the times when I had to do chemistry lab reports. Ashley knows what I am talking about!

Eventually I decided just to wing it and take the road that was 37 NOT 38 (which stinky Google maps said I was supposed to take) and hope that I had not wasted over half an hour and a few dollars worth of gas. Then, as I was warily traversing this suspicious road I saw a sign that said: PAVEMENT ENDS. And I was like, what does that mean? Then the pavement ended! I found myself bouncing along a dirt track with no pavement and no road lines at all. Another sign appeared. It was a bizarre corkscrew shaped arrow. Than was when the road got really twisty and I began to think that I was going to die.

But behold! A light shone forth from a nearby subdivision and I found myself on pavement once more. And then, by magic, I found the other streets I was supposed to find! Google maps had not been a completely despicable evil machine.

It was a Christmas miracle. It wasn't much of one, but I'll take what I can get in these dark economic times.

ModernHelen

ps: One the way home I learned a valuable lesson: if it is below freezing and your windshield ices over DO NOT USE WIPER FLUID. Because then it freezes and you can't see. Duh!

* This is 'fun' used in the sarcastic sense. Other examples include: "Gee! Chemistry Lab at eight in the morning is so 'fun!'" and "The most 'fun' I had this weekend was listening to a bunch of fifth-graders play violin!"**

** I understand that they have to start playing somewhere. But that somewhere should be a closet for at least four years.

If He/She Hadn't Been a Dumbass...

So, I was trying to fall asleep last night (Falling asleep is becoming progressively harder the closer I get to the end of finals week. This is probably because I am turning in EVERY SINGLE ONE of my finals assignments on Monday. It's not that I'm not on top of my work; I am. It's just that papers are to my brain as sugar is to a small child. I can't stop being all HYPER and EXCITED and CAN-DO about them. Even when it is three in the morning). As I was trying to fall asleep, I suddenly remembered a long frustration I have with one of the most tragic tragedies of the Greek Tradition: Oedipus Rex.

For those of you who were not classically educated/aren't ridiculous Greek myth freaks, here is the basic plot of the Oedipus myth:

Once upon a time in Greece, there was a Theban royal couple named to Laius and Jocasta. Due to lots of royal sexy time, they eventually had a son named Oedipus. The occasion was marred by the fact that the Oracle of Delphi foretold that littl' Oedipus would KILL his father and MARRY his mother. Laius and Jocasta did what any well-adjusted couple would do: they abandoned the baby on a mountain and high-tailed it back to Thebes.

(Un)fortunately, a shepherd found littl' Oedipus and brought him to the king and queen of Corinth who adopted him as their child. Apparently, they had same leery feelings about adoption as parents sometimes do today, because they decided that not telling Oedipus ANYTHING about his infancy was the best plan ever.

Years later, the grown Oedipus discovered the prophecy from the Oracle and was horrified. Because his adoptive parents were big fat liars, he assumed that they were his birth parents, and he ran away to avoid the prophecy. He ran away to Thebes. Yep. Right to his REAL parents. On his way there, he and this old guy got into a fight over who got to...cross a road first. That's right. They fought over WHO GOT TO GO FIRST! (I knew better by the end of first grade). Oedipus killed the old guy who turned out to be his father.

Prophecy: 1 Oedipus: 0

He then was confronted by the Sphinx who had decided that Thebes was the "it" city to terrorize with riddles. He solved her riddle (What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night? A confused robot? A lizard that lost two legs and then grew one back? A mutated Hollywood monster? No to all of the above! The answer is "Man") and she killed herself in rage.

Because it was a myth, the people of Thebes decided that Oedipus and Jocasta should get together. Oedipus married her. And they had four children/grandchildren. Hence the Freudian "Oedipus Complex" As in: "You think YOUR MOM'S SO HOT! Oh wait... you do? ... Um... That's kind of awkward...."

Prophecy: 2 Oedipus: 0

The moral of the story is that you cannot avoid your fate because do to a tragic flaw or a missing of the mark ("hamartia") that is inevitable and unavoidable.

MY moral to the story is:

Oedipus was a Dumbass!

Here are how things could have played out if he hadn't been a dumbass:



1) Adopted Family Discussion Group

The Oracle: You shall kill your father and marry your mother!

Oedipus: OH NOES!!!! (runs back to Corinth) Hey you guys! I just heard the most horrible prophecy that I'm going to kill my father and marry my mother!! What do I do??

Queen of Corinth: Sweetie, I guess this is a good time to tell you: We aren't your parents.

Oedipus: Oh that's great! I was worried I'd have to run far away to Thebes or something!

King of Corinth: No son. You'll stay right here. And we'll find a nice girl for you to marry. Someone young. Younger than you are.

And they Lived Happily Ever After



2) I'm not Going to Thebes

The Oracle: You shall kill your father and marry your mother.

Oedipus: Oh no!!! I shall have to run away to Thebes!

The Oracle: Um... why don't you not go there?

Oedipus: Why?

The Oracle: I'm the Oracle Fool! Trust me on this.

Oedipus: Okay...


And so Oedipus went to Athens instead, became a famous sculptor, and lived happily ever after.




3) Wait... How old are you?

(Oedipus is on his way to Thebes)

Laius: Hey!! I wanna go first!

Oedipus: NO! I wanna go first!

Laius: I'll fight you!

Oedipus: So will I...wait a second... How old are you?

Laius: Old enough to be your father you young whippersnapper!

Oedipus: Hmm... Better not risk it... Go ahead!

Laius: Humph!! (Leaves)

(A Short While Later... Oedipus Triumphantly Enters Thebes)

Oedipus: Praise me Thebes! I have killed the Sphinx and delivered you! Praise me! PRAISE ME!!

Jocasta: Hello you stud-muffin! What do you say I ditch the old guy and make YOU king!

Oedipus: Well, that's tempting and all, but you're old enough to be my mother. And I've got this prophecy that I'm going to kill my father and marry my mother, and I'd rather not take any chances...

Jocasta: OMG! My son, who I abandoned on a mountain, totally had that prophecy!

Oedipus: You know, I really don't look anything like my "parents" in Corinth. Do you think that maybe...

Jocasta: OMG! You know, it's really good we didn't get married... That could have been really awkward...

Oedipus: Think of the Children!

And they lived happily (and not incestuously) ever after!


So there you have it!

Modern Helen

ps: I may have to keep mocking epic tragedies for funnsies now...

I WILL be Back!!

Hey Everyone who is still checking this blog (by which I mean the two deluded optimists I know)! I know that I have been a bad person and abandoned this blog. It is unforgivable. But, I'm asking you to forgive me anyway. You know why? Because I'm adorable. Granted, unless you are a close friend or a ninja stalker, you do not have empirical knowledge of this fact. So you will just have to trust me.

I am in the midst of a crazy crazy CRAZY!!! (I like repeating things three times...) week with finals. I have thus far typed about 40 pages, and I have about 12 pages left to go, so I am not promising anything big for updates YET.

However, I am excited to announce that my craziness, that beautiful and mad muse that inspires so many overly-caffeinated people, has not gone away. If anything, it has gotten worse! Which is good for you guys because it leads to more fun times in your reading. And bad for me because it helps undermine my ability to have normal-time. At all.

Of course, I'm not convinced normal-time is a good thing. It seems to consist of getting drunk and being a dumb-ass. So, I think I'll keep the crazy!

Anyways, I am still having brain thoughts that are crazy, hilarious, and occasionally insightful. Face it: if you write enough, you are bound by the laws of probability to come up with SOMETHING meaningful at SOME point in your life!

Additionally, I have decided that I am officially an adult. I have a license that proves it. So, I am going to start saying more grown-up things. There may even be swears and skankiness!

Here are some of the exciting new categories of thought that you have to look forward to:

1) Thoughts just before I fall asleep

2) It takes nine-million times as long to do anything as it ought to

3) I hate my stupid body

4) Why I would not be a  heroine or a villainess in a fantasy epic but would, instead, be one of those mysterious, powerful, and often ambivalent secondary characters, as illustrated by examples from the greatest tv series ever made, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Here is a sneak peak at Number 1!:

Thoughts just before I fall asleep:

1) Can-Can can you do that Can-Can! Can you... You shouldn't do a Can-Can... in midair... 'cause then you twist your ankle like that one time...

2) I'm the queen of the velociraptors

3) Can you have a posteriori knowledge of a priori knowledge? (If you don't know what this is google it and you are half-way to sounding like a pretentious old man!!)

4) I'm Helen the Christmas Elf! On a Shelf! Oh good brain! Why do you hate me?

ModernHelen

Ps: If you don't like it, you can kiss my ass because I am DONE with being a cutesy little girl-woman just so people like me.

PPs: PLEASE LIKE IT!!!

Job Applications

THE JOB APPLICATIONS ARE ATTACKING MY FACE!!!

Like any other poor college student home from the summer I am beginning to realize the horrible horribleness of the economy and of the entire process of getting a job in this day and age.

Here are my marketable skills:

1) Can write awesomely

2) Can type 55 words per minute

3) Can sing... oh wait... that's not marketable...

4) Ummmm......

You see the issue? I am virtually useless until I get my PHD(s)!!

I have no idea what is happening. THERE ARE SO MANY JOB APPLICATIONS!! This is worse than college applications because with college I KNEW I was getting in somewhere but now I have no idea if anyone will give me a job and I am a very very scared person.

Can't I just write papers showcasing my brilliance? That would be a Job Applications that I could win at.
There are just so many places and so many applications...

And so many people will soon have my social security number so that will probably be stolen or something.

So then I will need a job to pay back the debt that identity theft has given me...

BUT I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET ONE BECAUSE MY IDENTITY WILL BE ALL TARNISHED!!!!!!!!!!

I am really really really not happy right now. Tomorrow I have to make a resume appear like magic (I have never written a non-music essay before) and pick up MORE applications and drop the OTHER applications off and then fill out MORE online applications.


And then probably cry.

Also I am pretty sure that I failed one of the personality tests. I just kept coming up with better answers than the ones given and contingency situations and stuff... If they monitor the number of times that you change your answers then I am probably in serious trouble. But my stupid philosopher brain kept coming up with different scenarios and hypothesizing better solutions and my snarky English professor brain was commenting on how to phrase everything better so I kept changing my mind...

ModernHelen

ps: The Olive Garden does not hire over the summer. This is because it probably thinks that it is much more awesome than it actually is. The Olive Garden is NOT awesome; it is overpriced and as European as Kraft Mac n Cheese.

Summer FINALLY arrives

Well I have finally made it back home for the summer after a trip that seemed to last forever and ever and ever.

I wish we had teleportation. Driving home from college was an exhausting experience.

I have always wondered about that. Road trips. You sit in the car for a million hours and do nothing accept bob your head to music, attempt to read, and reapply sunscreen to your arms because you are so white that you can apparently get sunburned through tinted car windows. Yet it's exhausting. My theory is that the human mind can only process so much change in scenery at a time. If you travel hundreds of miles in a few days your mind decides that you MUST be tired because you worked SO HARD to travel that far.

It doesn't make sense but it is psychology so you will all just have to deal with it.

This is not going to be a long post. I'm on a different time zone and I'm exhausted. But never fear. I have lots of craziness coming including a spectacular post consisting of some of the zany things that my teachers have been saying this year. I may even draw awesome pictures.

A shout out to my poor friends who are staying at school to do research (nerds) or to have jobs. You are the wise ones. I begin the frantic quest to get someone to hire me tomorrow. Too bad that I can't have an anagram rearranging challenge or something like that as part of the job interview process. I would win.

Good luck to everyone this summer! And if anyone knows about any people who desire to hire English/Philosophy undergrads for the summer then that would be just smashing.

ModernHelen

Its all Ashley's Fault

Okay. I am REALLY booked with finals week. This is an old draft that isn't really complete or very good. I hope you bask in its sub-par glory.



When you spend a lot of time around people, you tend to pick up their habits. It is a human evolutionary thing that goes back thousands of years and allows them to be somewhat social and agreeable. Except for when there are wars...

Anyways, I have picked up a few habits from my friends at college. Especially my roommate, Ashley, because I am stuck around her a lot.

Lets face it. She knows where I sleep.

It is Ashley's fault that I have started doing a few strange things, because it have been picking up her habits.

1) Now, I bounce up and down when I am really excited.
-Admittedly, I always did this a little. But Ashley made it worse.

2) I make high pitched shrieking sounds when startled or angry.
-Okay, I did do this before too. But Ashley made it worse!


We are stuck in positive feedback loops that overlap and lead to social-evolutionary mandated madness.

But I still say that it is ALL ASHLEY'S FAULT.

ModernHelen

ps: I bet you wished this post was longer but that's too damn bad. I have 500 pages of honors and 600 pages of philosophy to review and you must deal with it.

Helen's Catholic Adventure

So, I decided to go with Raye, Bethany, Clare, and Emily to Catholic Easter Vigil on this, the day before Easter. A few things that I did not know about Catholic Easter Vigil:

1) It is over three hours long
2) Incense is not a happy thing for your throat

So, things started going strangely wrong from the very beginning. First we got into an argument about whether unbaptized babies can ever get out of limbo, and what kind of place limbo is anyway. We got to Church early and within the first few minutes I had idly remarked about how your hands can supposedly tell you how many children you are going to have (1 for me).

Me: You're going to have three children!
Raye: Dammit!
Emily: Swearing in Church!
Bethany: Swearing and witchcraft! You're going to hell!

Meanwhile, Bethany was drilling Clare (the only one of us who was actually Catholic) on all things Catholic. She began to come up with some increasingly complex and interesting hypothetical situations centering around the concept in the Catholic Church that only men can be priests.

Finally we reached this zenith:

Bethany: If I marry a bi man and then I have a sex change surgery and become a man can I still be a priest in the Catholic Church?
Clare: I don't think so...
All: *semi crazy laughter*

Following that I proceeded to be a very clumsy person. I almost dropped my hymn book thing (we had these programs and these bulletins but half of the stuff that was happening was not really in either because most of these people were Catholic and had been Catholic for a long period of time and they had everything memorized). Then I dropped my candle (it was a quasi-candlelight vigil) on the ground and Bethany was all like: "You're going to hell!" and I started giggling a little hysterically because her face was scary and serious for about two seconds.

Then ninety million people were baptized, confirmed, or re-baptized or something... I don't really know. It took at least an hour for everything to happen. Meanwhile, Raye is starting to suffer from allergies and hives because of the incense (which reminded me of pine trees after a while... I'm not sure exactly what was in the incense). There was the most adorable Asian boy ever in front of us who kept grabbing his mother's face and staring at us and generally being a nuisance. I would have been SO MUCH WORSE than that boy at his age in a mass that lasted for three hours.

Okay, before I continue please let me stress that I am not in any way demonic.

Right. So, the priests were coming down the aisle and sprinkling holy water...

Helen's Body: Holy Something!! What was that?!? I'm under attack!! Better shake like a horse trying to dislodge a pesky fly!! *proceeds to shudder violently*
Bethany: Calm down!
Me: *chagrined and sad face because she has vague feelings that the people behind her probably think that she is some kind of demon*

I have sensory integration issues! That's all!

Then we knelt for the first time and my pantyhose apparently had little to no surface friction against the weird plastic stuff that the kneeling thing was made of so I slipped and fell to the floor. And Raye and Bethany laughed at me (quietly) and Raye patted me on the shoulder.

If that wasn't bad enough, I wasn't really thinking about appropriate things while I was kneeling. I kept drawing mythological analysis of what was happening in the Church (the chanting, the incense, etc.) and thinking about Freud. And what Freud would say. And Freud doesn't really say very much that is appropriate...

I did not take the Eucharist because I am not Catholic and the Bishop was giving it and I did not want to be a liar to the Bishop.

We left really really quickly after the service because Emily had to pee. But, as I was quickly sidling out the door and hoping that the people behind me weren't glaring at me and thinking that I was demon spawn, Bethany grabbed me:

Bethany: (in a hissed whisper) It's the Bishop!
Helen: *cautiously approaches Bishop and shakes his hand*
Bishop: Bless you.
Helen: *mumbles incoherently*
*All walk outside*
Bethany: We just shook the Bishop's hand! We're not going to purgatory! We're going straight to heaven!
Helen: Hey! He knows the Pope right?
Clare: Probably...
Helen: WERE ONE DEGREE OF SEPARATION FROM THE POPE
Bethany: And the Pope is one degree from St. Peter...
Helen: Because degrees of separation can go backwards in time... and Peter is one degree from Jesus...
Bethany: THREE DEGREES FROM JESUS!!


And that my friends is my Catholic Adventure...

ModernHelen

Dancing Velociraptors

Tomorrow is national velociraptor day! According to some source... I don't actually know where I got the information but I have it written on my calendar and everything so it must be real.

Last night was a bit insane. I was singing in the chorus of the fourth movement of Beethoven's ninth symphony and it was going really well. Afterwards, I was swept up in the wave of spontaneity by Victoria. Thank you Victoria for helping me overcome my control freakness.

Me: Where are we going?

Victoria: I don't know.

Me: Are we going to IHOP? We don't know where it is! Where is it?

Victoria: I don't know.

Me: We don't have a plan!

Victoria: It will be okay Helen. I am helping you be more spontaneous.

Me: But whenever I'm spontaneous bad things happen!

Then we ate spontaneous tacos and spontaneously went to a hipster coffee place. I'm so glad that I finally found a place where things are happening late at night in this city! Downtown is dead unless you go to the bars.

Then I came back and acted like a totally drunk person even though I wasn't because I was apparently high on spontaneity and even though I am in college and it was only one in the morning on a Saturday night that is apparently too late for my crazy brain. Ashley and I sang some really hilarious lyrics to songs. They were good too but I've forgotten what they were. Then we decided we REALLY NEEDED TO GO TO BED because there were giant giant piles of homework to do in the morning and my craziness was contagious. So we turned off the lights.

Then suddenly, cutting through the darkness, Ashley's voice:

Ashley: DANCING VELOCIRAPTORS!

Me: OMG!! REMEMBER THAT IN THE MORNING!!

And we DID remember about the dancing velociraptors and guess what? If you type that into youtube you get a giant pile of clips of dancing velociraptors. I am not kidding. Some people have a fairly impressive grasp of animation technology and too much time on their hands.

So, here are some velociraptor links for you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1eeWVrMrxw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H83NFs6n7Q4&feature=related

And here's one that doesn't make any sense and is vaguely off...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_ckIY6ytu0&feature=related

And here's an old dude ranting about the inaccuracies of Jurassic Park!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtCFqitzenI


Happy velociraptor day readers! Remember that I am their queen. If they ever attack you just let them know that you know me and you will be cool.

ModernHelen

ps: I FINALLY DISCOVERED HOW TO LINK!!! It was ridiculously easy...

Things that I want to Exist

I would like to announce a few things. I have decided that in the summer I will create another blog under the same account. It will be an educational blog in which I educate all of you people about whatever I find interesting this summer. If you don't like being edumacated, this blog will still be around being all LAME and SILLY.

Also, I am going to go back to do multiple posts a week when summer starts and I have time again. *Listens to the sound of the cheering adoring fans*.

Finally, I wanted to announce that I have a tumblr account. The user name is also modernhelen, so you can follow me there if you want. There is occasionally going to be an overlap in info from these two accounts. But be warned. If you are a creepy stalker person then I will totally block you.

I have been thinking about things lately. Specifically, I have been thinking about things that I want to exist. Enjoy my list.

1. Chairs, benches, and various other furniture items that do not destroy my back when I sit on them. I am a short person and apparently short people are not allowed to be comfortable which is prejudice. My conclusion is that furniture manufacturers are prejudice and I should probably sick the Government of America on them.

2. A wristband that makes warning sounds when you are around dangerous people so that you have time to run away before they throw you into their kidnapper van and drive away. Unfortunately, this would not work very well at college because we are all very young, crazy, and immature. Therefore, we are all dangerous.

3. A toaster that is legal for dorm use. I think that toasters should be designed so that they do not have the potential hazard of exploding* and therefore destroying the entire dorm and killing people. NASA should get on that. It's not like they have anything better to do.

4. Motorcycles that you don't die on. Seriously. Can't we make less deadly motorcycles?

5. Pants that fit me. I am so tired of pants not fitting me. I am also tired of shirts not fitting me. Apparently if you are short you can either be: a) completely flat and curve-less or b) fat. You are not allowed to be a curvy short person. You know what clothing people? Why don't you take it up with God! I EXIST AND I WANT SOME DAMN PANTS!

6. Hair dye that dyed your hair as the roots came in. How great would this be?

7. Magic. I want it. I am tired of living like a muggle. I am a Ravenclaw on the inside, and I want science to give me magical powers. Also, if I had magic powers I could magic my clothes clean and I wouldn't have to deal with the washers and dryers that are destroying my clothing.

And if anyone can somehow procure an item on this list for me I will give him... well, I actually don't have anything right now besides miniature Milkyway bars and coffee, but he can have some of that.
Unless he's a stalker. BEWARE Internet stalkers. I am about 50% more deadly than I look.

ModernHelen

ps: there will be a blog about stingrays soon!!! I can't decide whether to put it on this blog or on the educational blog thing. I will probably draw cartoon stingrays and then put it on BOTH like a BOSS.

*I am aware that toasters do not typically explode. This is for he sake of DRAMA.

It's My Flipping Birthday!

Hey people! I am officially OLD. I will not tell you how old because you might use that information to track me down and kill me horribly.

My real birthday celebration was yesterday, so today was a bit of a let down. Yesterday there was happy-hour sushi goodness, and today I had to write a paper.

Actually, I am not convinced that this next year is going to go well. It did not have a very fortuitous beginning. And, true to how my brain operates, I am going to give you a list of reasons why this was not a fortuitous day and my next year is going to full of sadness and despair.

1. My traitorous friends composed a story in which I DIED.

2. At midnight, they all sang Happy Birthday and it was very very out of tune. I mean, whenever a non-choir group of people sings happy birthday, it tends to be out of tune. But this was much more eerily out of tune than usual.

3. This morning, approximately an hour after the time at which I officially made my screaming entrance into this world, I spilled milk spectacularly on the carpet. The dorm does not have carpet cleaner for some unknown reason. I would have thought that all the partiers might need it to clean up the spoils of last night's drunken fest, but apparently not. So, I had to use soap and furious scrubbing and dabbing (yes, dabbing can be furious) to try to get the stuff up. And, because I am paranoid, I used three different kinds of soap and scrubbed at the same carpet spot for about thirty minutes throughout the day. If the carpet smells like rotten milk I may cry.

4. Hey! As I was typing it occurred to me that this event could be considered an offering, a libation if you will, to the ancient pagan gods and the ghosts of the dead. Granted, they usually prefer beer, wine, or blood, but I think that milk is probably acceptable. It is delicious. So, maybe I have in fact gained awesomeness, and number three does not count as a bad sign. So, back to:

3(the real one). I slammed by hand into my bedpost creating a bruise in the exact place that hosted a bruise just days ago. I honestly cannot seem to stop hurting my poor defenseless hands.

4. I had to write a freaking paper! Granted, once I stopped stewing in the fact that I had to write the thing it only took and hour and a half to compose and edit. But the principle of the thing!

5. I ate too much sugar today. This made me into a paranoid person who believed that several people and things were out to get me. I felt isolated and alone in the world...

6. The media library closed a measly two minutes before I managed to get there. CURSES!

7. The caf served disgusting food for dinner, so I am probably going to have more sugar....

8. Then I will not sleep and the disaster foretold by the inauspicious events that occurred today will come to pass as I rise, as one of the living dead, seeking caffeine, visual stimulation, and showers.

ModernHelen

My Latest Cunning Plan Involving the Sci-Fi Channel

Alright, here is some back-story for you dearest dearest readers of mine. I freaking love the Sci-Fi channel. I love the very idea of the Sci-Fi channel. It connects me with nerds everywhere. I like some of the original series of the Sci-Fi channel (not all of them). I like the series and the movies that they somehow manage to steal and broadcast to nerds everywhere.

But more than all these things, I enjoy the original Sci-Fi channel movies. They are crazy movies with low budget, crappy special effects, bad dialogue, and washed up actors whose careers as legitimate serious actors have either already ended or about to end as a direct result of the movie that they are staring in. Some of these beautiful movies include plots such as: a Native American spirit man accidentally makes dinosaur skeletons (not dinosaurs. Just their moving skeletons...) come to life and they eat people; dumb people open a box that clearly should not be opened and an angry banshee tries to kill everybody; and, in a plot so dumb that it is beautiful, two washed up pop divas feed steroids to alligators and snakes leading to... Megapython vs. Gatoroid.

Watching the delightfully predictable carnage of these movies is a great source of fun for me. This leads me into my latest cunning plan whereby I become, in some way, shape, or form involved with the Sci-Fi original movies of complete awesomeness.

The plan has two forms:

1) I become an incredibly successful and well-received actress. Once I have established my place of fame, I promptly, and with much delight, destroy my promising career by staring in and producing approximately ninety-zillion* original Sci-Fi movies.

2) I write a movie script, submit it to Sci-Fi channel, and dance like the highly-evolved ape that I am when they decide to make it into a movie.

This is the more likely plan. I can actually write pretty well, and there isn't a huge emphasis on character development (other than the blatantly obvious cliche ploys), so I guess that my weaknesses there will not be too bad...

I plan on researching for this movie by watching... you guessed it... MORE original Sci-Fi movies until I have the formula down to a science. Then I will write a script and send it in, screaming of amateurishness, completely unsolicited and wait to see what happens.

This idea is so brilliant that I cannot be the first person to come up with it. Hopefully, they will actually look at my script, recognize its raw potential for awesomeness, and buy it for a tidy sum of money that will tide me over until the end of college.

IF YOU STEAL MY CUNNING PLAN I WILL ATTACK YOUR FACE WITH MY AWESOME NOT TO BE DISCLOSED MOVIE MONSTER!!!!

ModernHelen

* This is my favorite number

New Post

There will be a new post later tonight!

Here is a bit of a teaser: It involves the Sci-Fi Channel and my latest (but certainly not last) cunning plan.

ModernHelen

This could be very intriguing...

Dear College Course List:

Why do you hate me?? You have been posted on the internet for almost no time at all, but you are clearly intent on destroying my peace of mind and my ability to awesomely get a double major in English and Philosophy and a minor in Biology.

Why have you maliciously aligned yourself with Saturn, that foul and odious sign of disorder and chaos, with the sole purpose of scheduling all of my desired classes either at the same time or at terrible sad times of death??? Why am I probably going to be in class from 11 in the morning until 9 at night on Tuesdays WITH NO LUNCH BREAK. I mean,  I will end up with eighty million papers and tests due on Tuesday! It will be not of the good!! AHHH!

Am I that abhorred? Is this the universe's way of telling me to pick one major?

Well, I refuse! I NEED to double major because otherwise I will feel as if I am not getting enough education. If only I didn't have to fit in the French... if only I could do more than 18 credit hours a semester... if only I was a super-human cyborg with the capacity to go go go non-stop for hours and hours at an end without stopping.

Maybe I just need more coffee....

Well, I need to get my head out of THE FUTURE and return to the present where I have two papers and a test that require my attention... I hope that this does not end up being a HORRIBLE failure of a plan. How lame would it be to have most of the credits for two majors but not enough credits for a single one? And I have to graduate in four years because my scholarship runs out and I cannot afford this school without scholarship....

Sincerely,
ModernHelen

PS: Everyone should read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is an amazing amazing work. The author beautifully blends depth with light-hearted playfulness. She writes with the kind of humor I would love to write with someday. Except, I probably won't because the only fiction I seem to be capable of writing is genre fiction, namely horror, which I'm sure says something about my psyche...

PPS: I am planning on updating the fun quotes next week, so hold your collective breaths in anticipation for that monumental occasion!

Life

Last night I had an epiphany.
You may be tempted to shake my hand and congratulate me and wish me all the best.
But, the epiphany went something like this:

Me: I'm tired and despondent!

Epiphany: HELLO HELEN!!

Me: OMG! An epiphany!!! Hooray!!! I can finally figure out what to do with my life! Tell me oh wise one. Tell me many many things.

Epiphany: Actually, I just stopped by to tell you I have absolutely no idea about what you should do with your life.

Me: What??

Epiphany: But don't do math! Math is bad.

Me: I already knew about Math! Don't you have anything remotely useful to tell me?

Epiphany: Nope. I just came to give you doubt and insecurity and lots of existential despair. Happy Birthday!

Me: It isn't  my birthday and that's a terrible present!

Epiphany: Whatever. I have to go let small children realize how utterly insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things. And tell some politicians that they should be president of America.

Me: NOOOOO!!!!!

I have no idea what to do with my life. However, I did manage to write several terrible sonnets and several pages of the novel that I am working on in a zen state of utter bizarreness.

P.S.: I have a fun story to share with you.

I was on the airplane and this elderly couple were sitting next to me. They seemed pretty nice and I talked to the woman for a little while, but then I realized something about them was creeping me out. What was it? I couldn't put my finger on it.

Finally, I realized that it was the fact that the husband was grasping his wife just above the knee FOR THE ENTIRE PLANE RIDE. As someone with sensory integration issues, this is very disturbing to me. If someone touched me for that long I would probably smack them on the face.

ModernHelen

So, all of humanity is probably wondering a few things in regards to this blog including but not limited to:

1) WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN POSTING? My life is now devoid of meaning.

2) You have a blog?

3) Thank god that moron stopped posting. I want to reach through the Internet to punch her in her stupid  modern face.

I have been having time management issues. The issue is basically that I am at 18 credit hours, I am a high maintenance kind of girl, I practice music at least ten hours a week, and I enjoy sleeping no fewer than seven hours a night. Basically, I have about 28 hours worth of stuff to do everyday, and I am such an overachiever that I refuse to do half-ass jobs at anything, even when I can totally get away with it. I am also working on a novel of such great awesomeness that it is almost certainly doomed to be unmarketable.

Therefore, I have decided to make this blog a regular update-once-a-week blog. I will be updating on Sundays, probably mid-morning.

It is all part of my quest for complete and utter micro-management of my existence.

I hope that you are all understanding, but if you aren't I don't really care.

So take that!

ModernHelen

A POST!!! ABOUT PURSES!!!

Hooray!!! Look everybody!!!! I REAL FREAKIN BLOG POST!
You must all be so very very proud of me.

Well, I just wanted to have a few quick words with you all about purses and the things that you can put in them. Purses are exceptionally stylish, handy, and portable devices for carrying the various items that no woman can go ten minutes without. They come in a dazzling variety of shapes, colors, and sizes. I have heard tell that shoes are awesomeness to most women, but if that is the case then purses must be AWESOMENESS SQUARED.

Needless to say, there are many great and handy things to put into purses such as:

1) Chapstick, lipgloss, lirstick, etc.
2) Cellphones
3) Pepper spray
4) Gum. The kind that makes disgusting popping sounds
5) Books about purses.
6) Nine different colors of Highlighters
7) Emergency Feminine Items

Of course, I could go on. But frankly the number of items that can fit into a purse is equal to the number of items that are small/ malleable enough to be pushed into said purse, and I have discovered that a surprising number of items fit this description. Besides, seven is a lucky number.

However, there are some things that you should think about before stuffing them into your purse. Like food.

You see, small and hungry women in college tend to stuff random Caf food into various purses and bags so that they can not starve to death. For those of you yet to be in college, HAHA! You have NO IDEA what you are in for.

Anyways, some foods lend themselves to be stuffed into purses. Most kinds of fruits are good choices. Crackers, biscuits, and cookies wrapped in napkins also work well.

However, not everything lends itself to being stuffed into a small space and carried around for several hours.

Like cheesecake.

I am ashamed to admit it, but I did in fact wrap cheesecake in napkins and put it in my purse on Valentine's day before I went to my evening class. It looked delicious and I was hungry and did not have very much time so... Into the purse it went! This seemed like an excellent decision at the time because I had had insomnia the night before. I have to be REALLY CAREFUL after and during insomnia attacks because all kinds of bad ideas sound kind of brilliant at the time...

Don't put cheesecake in your purse people. You will just end up throwing it away when you realize how disgusting and stoopid a plan THAT was.

ModernHelen

There WILL be posts.....

Hey, I just want to inform you all that the blog posts are going to become more regular starting this saturday. They will also be less stupid and ungood. They may in fact be double plus good if big brother is not watching.
Keep on reading the blog and tell all your friends!

Modernhelen

These are some words... Part 1

Here are some words. Say them slowly to yourself. Ponder their meanings. Tell me of their origins…

There is no prize for knowing these words or understanding the stories of their origins or their cultural relevance. I will, however, be doing a post following this one explaining these words, and then you can feel special if you were right!

If you aren't right, you lose.

And then, to quote Bethany "You die".

1) Brillig

2) Effulgent

3) Quiz

4) Defenestration

5) Anabaptist

6) Kenning

7) Tessitura

8) Phylogeny

9) Cyclothymia

10) Antidisestablishmentarianism

ModernHelen

A Bad Combination

A few days ago I was playing cards with my friends. I was REALLY REALLY BAD at the particular card game that we were playing. I was inexplicably, terribly, wondrously bad. It was fairly late. I drank a rootbeer. I had just watched the best musical in all creation" "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" (STARRING NEIL PATRICK HARRIS). Suddenly, I turned on a friend and fellow player:

Me: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!! I HOPE YOU DIE!!!

I then proceeded to collapse on the table and laugh hysterically for about five minutes. Fortunately, my friends recognize that I am a little bit odd and love me anyway. They actually thought that the whole thing was hysterical. But this made me wonder about myself and the times that I seem to totally lose it for no apparent reason and do something bizarre. Is there a pattern? Is there a solution?

I could not come up with anything, but it seems to me that there exist a few things that are clearly BAD COMBINATIONS for me.

Here are some of them! I love lists!!!!!!*

1) Soda + Neil Patrick Harris + Card Games = A BAD COMBINATION

2) Dancing + Smoky Dance-Club air + Dehydration = A BAD COMBINATION

3) Three in the Morning + Paper Due the Next Day + Five Cups of Coffee = A VERY BAD COMBINATION.

4) Horror Stories + Insomnia + Violent Reactions to People Sneaking up and Tapping You on the Shoulder = A POTENTIALLY FATAL COMBINATION

5) Love of chocolate + Lack of exercise + many excuses not to exercise = AN UNHEALTHY COMBINATION

6) Feelings of Guilt + Actual Guilt+ Feigned Indifference = A NOBODY'S-BUYING-IT COMBINATION.

7) Snow storm + Computer at the shop + No Car = AN UNTECHNOLOGICAL COMBINATION.

And Finally:

Feelings of self-importance + Desire to be autobiographical + Too much free time = A BLOG-CREATING COMBINATION.

ModernHelen



* I also love exclamation points.  

Here is some RANDOM STUFF I thought today...

I do not think I have had enough random in my life recently. Fortunately for you lucky people, I am going to create some random NOW. These are some random thoughts that have occurred to me today.

1) I might double major in Philosophy AND English because I apparently want to ruin my vision by squinting my eyes at books for the rest of forever.

2) If I was a unicorn I would probably accidentally impale people.

3) If I had lived in the Victorian era during the revival of all things fairy, mystical, and occult, I would probably have changed my name to "Madame Mysterious" and left my husband to tell fortunes and hold unholy seances for rich and gullible aristocrats.

4) The Phantom of the Opera would have strangled me if he was real because I am a very annoying talkative person.

5) I like Verdi. I have a Verdi dance now.

6) If there is no school next week due to snow, and then they try to add extra school or extra class periods on the weekends, I AM NOT DOING IT because I want to have a life even though I am currently failing miserable at that directive.

7) If I really concentrated, I could write a whole lot more random nonsense, and I might even be able to have SEVEN DIFFERENT BLOGS.

8) I now prefer reading analyses of myth, myth origin, and contemporary legends to reading fantasy and fiction stories. I never thought that would happen. My childhood is probably definitively over now.

9) I think that I have been eating too much sugar and that is a reason I now have a very sad zit on my chin. DON'T LOOK AT ME I'M HIDEOUS.

10) If this was a horror movie, I would be the smart chick who pulls everyone together and figures out what is going on. Then, about 80 or 90 percent of the way through the movie when you are sure I'm going to make it, I WOULD DIE.

11) I have unrealistic expectations about relationships and I fully expect them to be met.

12) I use Italics, underlining, caps lock, and bold in my brain. This is probably not a good thing...

I hope you all enjoyed these random tidbits from inside of my brain.

ModernHelen

Why I Object to the Internet Personality Test that said I was a Man-

So, I recently got an account on tumblr.com because a lot of my friends use tumblr. I think of it as the illegitimate love-child of blogs and facebook (If any of you want to follow me there, the URL is modernhelen.tumblr.com). Anyways, I found an intriguing personality test that seemed pretty legit. There were A LOT of questions.

The results said that I was an "Encouraging Idealist" which sounds a bit odd but basically means that I have a high standard, like routine, value things for function rather than aesthetic appeal and have a high ability to understand and motivate people. This kinda makes some sense a little. But then, I found these two things labelled: Masculinity and Femininity. These were supposedly suppose to measure traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine traits. Here were my scores:

Masculinity: 92
Femininity: 8

AM I A MAN???!!!

What is going on here? I am definitely female. I am not even one of those females who looks like if she tried really hard she could pretend to be a male. I am really short, I have very large...lips...a high degree of contrast between the color of my eyes and lips and my skin color and an awesome waist to hip ratio. I also have a REALLY high pitched voice, especially when I am excited. These are all traditional hallmarks of high estrogen levels, ergo, high degree of femininity.

SO, the answer is that even though I am very feminine externally, I am apparently a man on the inside. I was intrigued. What are these traits that men supposedly have a lock on that I possess?

I googled "Traditional Masculine Traits" and here are some answers:

1) Men have egos that allow them to be competitive and re-evaluate themselves following some kind of loss or failure
2) Men are doers as opposed to listeners; they value efficiency
3) Men assume leadership roles and sacrifice to achieve higher positions
4) Men are self-sufficient and work to overcome adversity
5)Men have sudden expression of emotions followed by calm
6) Men are stoic and keep emotions under control
7) Men are risk-takers
8) Men nurture through listening and then taking action


With the exception of risk-taking, these all do seem to describe me. However, I am skeptical about these being more exclusively masculine traits (with the exception of risk taking: When factoring in relative size and strength, it makes sense for men to be risk-takers as opposed to women). In my experience, women are more likely to be in clubs and initiate action (Student Government, BBB, Student Abolitionists, Greek Life, Literary Journals). Women and men seem to be equally likely to act, listen, do, and be self-sufficient. While I have seen more pettiness and gossip among women, that may be because I spend more time around women. Additionally, the top three most emotionally unstable people that I know are all male. I also think that men and women are about even in ego, but that it tends to express itself in different ways.

In conclusion, stereotypical masculine and feminine traits are a load of crap. Maybe there was relevance earlier on when men and women were forced into specific roles dictated by society. Maybe there is still relevance in parts of the world where women have a different sphere of influence from men. But this is America and a woman should be able to be strong-willed, intelligent, efficient, a doer, a promoter of her own advancement, and self-sufficient without being labelled 'masculine'.

Maybe if we didn't spend so much of our lives pregnant, giving birth, or running after obnoxious children*, this would be more true.

ModernHeleln

* Do not be offended. Unless you have never had children or somehow ended up with creepily perfect children you are well aware that children are obnoxious. Weren't you one once? And you have to admit that the number of women how have had their potential and their lives derailed by children is far higher and to a greater degree than the number of men who have had them same problems. Look at the statistics: even in an egalitarian relationship where husband and wife work and both look after the kid, the wife will spend more time. Its evolution.
See:

http://www.financialexpress.com/news/working-women-spend-more-time-on-chores-and-childcare-than-men/115992/

Attack of the Snow

The awesomeness of snowdays is awesome.
But, awesomer than snowdays; SNOWWEEK!!!!

Yes, I have been fortunate enough to be caught in the middle of what some people are calling snowmegedon or the snowpocalypse, and the campus has been closed for basically a week. Below, since I am a fan of lists, are some of the pros and cons of Snoweekness.

Pros:

1) No flippin' classes!

2) Extra time to work on papers that are less than satisfactory.

3) Snowball fights!

4) Movies, TV, and Internet FOREVER!!!

5) Vegging out and relaxing.

6) Excuse to eat lots of candy and drink coffee.

7) Lots of time to think about the test I have to take on Monday.




Cons:

1) No classes.

2) Suddenly every single assignment is due on Monday.

3) Snowball fights were painful. You see, the snow is not actually dense enough to pack, so some people, such as the athletes who were very serious about snowball fighting, used water to create ice balls. Or dumped trashcans full of snow on people. Also, tackling was an issue. Ashley was both tackled and tackler multiple times. She has some less than amusing bruises and body aches from that...

4) I have watched far too much TV and my computer is still stuck at the computer repair shop because of the snowapocalypse.
5) Cabin Fever is setting in...

6) The Caf is serving annoying food and I AM ALMOST OUT OF MILK!!!

7) Lots of time to think about the test I have to take on Monday.

Basically, I wanna go back to school and I hope that it doesn't snow on Sunday or Monday leading to MORE SNOWMEGEDON.

ModernHelen

The Kid

So, I am reading Descartes's Discourse on Method for Philosophy. I am pleased by this because it means an end to Luther. I enjoyed Luther, but I did not enjoy a certain child who monopolized 200% of the class time.

That's right. He monopolized SO MUCH OF THE CLASS TIME that he broke the laws of space and time, enabling him to monopolize more that 100%.

Luther is a bit difficult to understand. The whole premise of his theology is grace or salvation through faith alone. This means that, counter to the Catholic view, works count for nothing. We have to read the Word of God (revealed in the Scripture) and hope that God enters our hearts and saves us because we have no free will, and are either saved despite our sins or damned because of them. I had a lot of difficulty understanding Luther. For example, I have to pretty much take his word for all the Scripture that he is quoting because I have read very little of the Bible. however, this kid wasn't having a problem with reading Luther; he was having a problem with Luther.

For example:

Professor: So, Luther says that none of us have free will. The will is subject either to Satan or to God. You are either saved or damned, and there isn't a damned thing that you can do about it. If you dare to think otherwise or believe that you have even a tiny little bit of free will then you are damned.

The Kid: No he doesn't!

Professor: Uh... yes he does.

The Kid: But we do have free will!

Professor: Not according to Luther.

The Kid: We do have free will, it just isn't very free. It's just enough for us to choose whether or not we are saved.

Professor: What you just said is the traditional Catholic view. It is not Luther's.

The Kid: You're wrong! Luther says that we do have free will!

Professor: I'm starting to worry not only about your eternal soul but also about your exam grades in this class.

This went on and on and on and on. For three class periods. I do not think that I have ever heard a person so full of himself before in my life. He wasn't even bothering to try to understand Luther's argument and then determine that his own theological views conflicted with said argument. He just went at it with Luther. He was also throwing Scripture out there like snappy Bible quotes were the Keys to the Kingdom. Also, he had a voice... have you ever met someone who's voice not only grates horribly against your soul but also is dripping with a condescending pretension that you did not even realize could exist?? That is this kid's voice.
Finally...

The Kid: Well I'm a Lutheran and we say that you do have some free will.

Professor: Well, then maybe the Lutheran view has switched back to a more Catholic viewpoint. The concept of having no control over your own salvation is not a comforting one. But it is Luther's view.

The Kid: But Lutherans...

Me: What LUTHERANS believe and what LUTHER believes are two different things! It's like saying that what ALL CHRISTIANS believe and what JESUS believes are the same thing when there are clear differences!

*a moment of silence*

The Kid: We have free will!

Professor: All right... I'm going to read you a few more pertinent passages in the time remaining to us...

If this kid argues against Descartes in this way, I will use my Biology skills to go Scientific Method on his rear, and no number of Bible quotes will save him.

ModernHelen

The Best Ways to Waste time on the Internet

Say that you have homework that you really don't want to do or some other activity that you would rather just avoid. I have compiled here for your edification and enlightenment how to avoid doing what you are supposed to be doing and instead waste time on the internet!

1. Fanfiction.net.: Any and every random ending, character pairing, and crossover you can think of has been written about on this site. It is really really hilarious, often badly written, and occasionally downright scary what people come up with. Also, if you read enough fanfiction, you will begin to forget what actually happened in the movie/book/tvshow/anime/cartoon that you are reading fanfics of. I read so much Harry Potter fanfiction that I became convinced that Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood got married and that Neville succeeded Dumbledore as headmaster. I was really surprised when I reread The Deathly Hallows and this did not happen.

2. Blogs (such as the one you are reading now!): Blogs can take you to the ramblings of any mind on the planet. Some of my favorites are theoatmeal and hyperboleandahalf. blogs teach us that life in this century is really just looking at the crazy things you did, realizing how crazy they were, and posting them on the internet. Sometimes with pictures. I will start posting my own hilarious pictures again when I finally get my de-spywared computer back from the computer people and can use MSPaint again.
3. Random games: You have no idea how much I adore random games on the internet. Well, you do now... Below are some of my super favorites:

-texttwist: Part of yahoo games. You can play a free version on the internet! It is basically a game of magical anagram finding. This game will make you a master of Boggle* too!

-dynomite: Available from popcaps games. You get to smash dinosaur eggs of the same color to get points. Excellent sound effects! I really enjoyed this game.

-Wordbubbles: This is part of luminosity.com, a site that is supposed to make your brain better. It was recommended to me by hyperboleandahalf. This game is basically awesome. It is very similar to texttwist, but instead of doing anagrams you have to come up with as many words with the same two letters of varying lengths that you can. This game is also a Boggle* booster.

4. Facebook: Welcome to a world of knowing what everyone you have ever met is doing whenever they post about it. You can laugh at the hilarity and live vicariously through the lives of your epic friends and swap inside jokes and amusing comments with whomever you want. There are quizzes and random games and anything your little heart could desire to help you delay homework for just a little while longer.

5. The Cheeseburger Network: This includes such favorite sites as icanhazcheeseburger, failblog, and verydemotivational. There are loads and loads of pages of hilarious misadventures happening to other people. There are cats acting entirely too adorable and spelling badly. What's not to love? I have managed to waste hours at a time on this site.

6. Youtube: This is probably the single greatest internet time waster known to man. And possibly to any aliens who are picking up the signals being sent from earth into outer space. Everyday gazillions of new random things are uploaded. You will never ever ever be able to watch everything, but I challenge you to try and witness the amazing amount of time that you waste.

Moderhelen


* I challenge everyone who reads this to a Boggle match. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I will beat you, probably by an embarrassing margin. If, on the other hand, my boasting proves in vain and you unseat me from my Boggle throne, I promise to do a blog in your honor about whatever you want me to blog about, provided that it is PG-13.

Muzzy: How it has messed with my brain

For those of you who have no idea what Muzzy is, I feel sorry for you. Your parents obviously never loved you enough to desire to make you bilingual. Let me explain Muzzy. Muzzy was a strange strange cartoon that has videos, tapes, computer games, and positive moral values. The dialogue could be in Spanish, German, French, or English, and there was a vague storyline that was interspersed with random lessons about whatever language you were supposed to be watching. Most of the time these lessons were sung.

The main characters were:

 A Princess named Sylvia. She introduced herself saying: "I'm Slyvia and I'm pretty". I think she iceskated...

A Gardener named Bob. He introduced himself saying: "I'm Bob the gardener. I'm in love with Princess Slyvia" He had a red hat that I desire to destroy...

A King and a Queen, who were Sylvias parents and basically disapproved of everything.

Corvax, some kind of evil clever guy who I think probably kidnapped Sylvia at some point. He looked  like a green vampire and introduced himself by saying, "I'm Corvax and I'm clever". I think that it is important to note that not all clever people are evil as this cartoon would have you believe.

And Muzzy, an alien from outer space who liked to eat clocks.That was how he introduced himself: "I'm Muzzy and I like to eat clocks"

I still remember how all of those terrible characters introduced themselves. It is brain space that I will never get back. Of course, I don't remember any German as was the intention....

The intent was to make the stupefied children watching it intelligent. I imagine that is is supposed to go something like this:

Smallchild: I am an American and therefore I know no other languages! I am going to grow up with limited mental capacities due to the limitations of only being able to think in ONE FREAKING LANGUAGE!

Muzzysalesman: Don't you love your poor Smallchild?

LovingParent: DEAR GOD YES!! I LOVE THAT LITTLE DICKENS!

Muzzysalesman: Well then, you had better buy this instructional thingy-dookikey to keep your child from failling at life.

LovingParent: OH MY GOD! If my child fails at life, then I won't be able to live vicariously through her! I 'll have to pressure her into dropping out of college to give me grandbabies so that I can live vicariously through them! I MUST HAVE MUZZY!!!

Smallchild: ???

LovingParent: Watch this Muzzy! Muzzy will let you succeed!! I AM PRESSURING YOU TO SUCCEED!!

Smallchild: Fiiiiine.

So... now I bet that you think that the small child is going to grow up to be a proficient and bilingual member of society right? WRONG. The small child will simply play the computer games and watch the English version of Muzzy. She will keep repeating lines from the bizarre script and playing the computer games. But she will do all of it in English.

*Two months later*

SmallChild: MY NAME IS MUZZY AND I LIKE TO EAT CLOCKS!!!!

LovingParent: Sweetie?! Could you say that in German?

Smallchild: NO!!! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!

LovingParent: Please??!!

SmallChild: CLOCKS CLOCKS CLOCKS Muzzy EATS CLOCKS!!!

So... basically Muzzy has joined the long list of vague visual stimuli that skitter maddenly around my childhood memory and make me certain that I was pretty crazy back then. I really don't think that children should be allowed to watch cartoons even if it is supposed to help them succeed...

ModernHelen

Ps: Props to Claire for instantly knowing what I was talking about! Apparently she went to a magnet school for languages where the children are pressure by Lovingparents AND Teachers to succeed.

Oh the horror.

Dear Universe Part 2

 I told you I would eventually start adding additional parts on to my posts labelled part 1! I bet you didn't believe me did you?

Well, shame on you. Shame on all of you.

I was going to write about the Order of St. Benedict and why I would fail at being a Benedictine Monk, but something came up that I must discuss, so you will all have to wait for that awesome post that may or may not be illustrated.

Dear creators of the spy ware program that my have taken over my laptop,

I hate you with the passionate vengeance of seriously pissed of scorpions. The tiny small scorpions that are the most deadly and crawl in your shoes and sting you until your feet swell and fall off. Those scorpions. I do not have money just sitting around in a pile to use to fix my computer or buy a new one. I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT!!! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STEAL ANYTHING FROM ME?? I HAVE NOTHING!! Go attack Bill Gates! Of course, that would be difficult...

I also love the fact that this thing that you malicious punks have created keeps trying to pull up adult sites on my laptop. May the wrath of the Old Testament God shine down upon you with the burning beams of ten thousand suns that burn you to crisps! May a thousand dervishes and devils sweep your ashes to the four corners of the earth!

You people better pray that I do not get my hands on you. I have about twenty papers to write this semester and I would LIKE to have A FREAKING COMPUTER to do so. I am a tiny bit sick, I am cold, and I am stressed. Everything was under control until you idiots did this. I am in a seriously angry mood. I will release my velociraptor minions upon you. I will create Skynet so that the terminators come and get you! May you find no haven on land or water! May your children realize what losers you are and turn you over to the authorities! May attack dogs find you irresistible!

Sincerely,
modernHelen

ps: I really really mean it. People who create viruses and spyware are in a very very bad place in my book.



Dear scorpions,

I am sorry if I offended you. I am aware that you do not sting people and cause their feet to fall off. As far as I know. Please do not come for me in the night.

Sincerely,
modernHelen



Dear Old Testament God,

I understand if you are too busy to smite my enemies. Please consider it a friendly suggestion.

Sincerely,
modernHelen


Dear velociraptor minions,

I will totally create you using the awesomeness of evo-devo someday.

Sincerely,
modernHelen

On that lighter note, so ends my rage...

Sing to me, Muse, the rage of ModernHelen
Murderous, justified,
That sent so many ignoble souls down to Hades...

Okay, so maybe my rage isn't ended. Sue me

ModernHelen

Megan

Hey! I'm finally resuming posting again. I was frazzled by the start of the spring semester, but I am back and ready to blow your minds away with the scariness of my blog posts. My blog-stalkers may resume blog-stalking...

I promised Megan that I would write her a blog post after she displayed the epicness of her personality. Megan is a crazy blond woman who lives in my wing. She is obsessed with Harry Potter and has a hat that looks like a happy lion that I once unsuccessfully tried to steal. She swears humorously and has a contagious Russian accent.

So, the other day...

Ashley and I were making cupcakes. Even though we failed due to the chemical engineering major who was helping us adding THREE AND ONE HALF cups instead of ONE AND TWO THIRDS cups (I hope he never makes this mistake with plutonium...), we ended up with carrot cake and halfway decent cupcakes. I ate two cupcakes and two pieces of cake as well as a massive pile of coconut pecan icing, which was frankly amazing.

The resulting massive sugar rush compounded with a random crush on a guy that I just met to create an estrogen fueled temporary madness.

Me: Oh my god! I totally like that guy! A Lot! *bounces*

Ashley: You just met him!

me: Leave me alone! *Giggles in a manner some have judged hysterical*

Ashley: You had too much sugar.

Megan: *enters dramatically* Hey guys!

Ashley: Helen has a crush on a guy she just met!

Megan: Who?

Me: Don't you dare say anything!

Ashley: I'll tell you later.

Megan: Tell me in the hall.

They both leave. I stood there frozen in sugar fueled paranoia for a minute. I changed my shirt. Then, the sugar screamed CHARGE and so I ran down the hall to Megan's room.

Me: *pounds on door*

Megan: *opens door two inches and stares out with one crazy eye*

Me: Is Ashley in there?

Megan: *in a suspicious manner* No

Me: Can I come in?

Megan: No.

Me: IS ASHLEY IN THERE???

Megan: No, she's in the bathroom.

Me: Can I come in?

Megan: No. My eye is watering from the air coming through. *eye twitches creepily*

Me: Can I look for Ashley?

Megan: She isn't here.

Me: ASHLEY! DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING!

Megan: She isn't here!

Me: Why won't you let me in to look for her!!

Megan: Because... I have naughty things on the walls*.

Me: What?? ASHLEY!!!

Ashley's voice (coming from the bathroom): Don't freak out Helen.

Megan: I told you she was in the bathroom!

Megan: (To Ashley) I told her that you were in the bathroom!

Me: Did you tell her anything!?!

Megan: I know about a guy who has a two syllable name.

Me: Ashley!

Megan: I know two letters of the two syllable name.

Me: You better not say anything!

Megan: *in a sudden insane Russian-accented rant* You know what? I know who he is. And I will find him. And I will torture him until he like you. And I guarantee this work. I am like matchmaker. I am like portable dating site. I know this. I have had three boyfriend. I have one, he my boyfriend for three years!

During this rant, Ashley was staring at Megan and I, and I was watching my crazy distended face in a mirror as I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Then people came to see what the heck was going on, and I keep right on laughing.

Me: *suddenly* I now have to go now to watch a movie now with people! *Runs away*

And that is the story of Ashley, Megan, Helen, and TOO MUCH SUGAR.

ModernHelen

Belated New Years

Happy Belated New Years Post Everybody!

In honor of the fact that this is a belated New Years Post, I am going to tell you the tale of the belated Christmas Presents that we sent to my cousins in California.

My mother is an intelligent woman who understands that people are strangely dumb with delivering packages on time, especially with the influx of Christmas gifts. So, she sent the presents by express, or whatever the super-fast shipping that costs extra money is called, on December 8th. By Christmas, the presents still ahdn't arrived. The conclusion that my mom and my aunt reached was that the presents had in fact arrived but that they had been stolen off of the front porch.

I had a hard time imagining the kind of person who would randomly steal packages that turned out to contain Christmas presents for children, but I guess that it takes all kinds or something like that.

Anyway, the presents were not stolen and arrived on the 29th, which is only 21 FLIPPIN' DAYS after they were sent.

Intrigued, my mom found the tracking number for the presents and looked up there travel path. The path went a little something like this:

December 8th: Presents sent!

December 11th: Presents in California! The wrong part of California....

December 13thish: Presents in Maryland for some unknown reason!!

December 13thish-December 26thish: Presents chillin' in Maryland!!!

December 27th: Presents in North Carolina (the state of my birth)!!!!!

December 29th: Presents are FINALLY where they belong in the right part of California. My cousins enjoy belated Christmas gifts.

I have recently ordered my school books for next semester. They are supposed to be here by Wednesday afternoon, but I am concerned about them arriving in time now. I have no faith in the US Postal System.

If they do not get here in time and parents have to ship them to my college, I may cry a little bit...

ModernHelen