So, I decided to go with Raye, Bethany, Clare, and Emily to Catholic Easter Vigil on this, the day before Easter. A few things that I did not know about Catholic Easter Vigil:
1) It is over three hours long
2) Incense is not a happy thing for your throat
So, things started going strangely wrong from the very beginning. First we got into an argument about whether unbaptized babies can ever get out of limbo, and what kind of place limbo is anyway. We got to Church early and within the first few minutes I had idly remarked about how your hands can supposedly tell you how many children you are going to have (1 for me).
Me: You're going to have three children!
Raye: Dammit!
Emily: Swearing in Church!
Bethany: Swearing and witchcraft! You're going to hell!
Meanwhile, Bethany was drilling Clare (the only one of us who was actually Catholic) on all things Catholic. She began to come up with some increasingly complex and interesting hypothetical situations centering around the concept in the Catholic Church that only men can be priests.
Finally we reached this zenith:
Bethany: If I marry a bi man and then I have a sex change surgery and become a man can I still be a priest in the Catholic Church?
Clare: I don't think so...
All: *semi crazy laughter*
Following that I proceeded to be a very clumsy person. I almost dropped my hymn book thing (we had these programs and these bulletins but half of the stuff that was happening was not really in either because most of these people were Catholic and had been Catholic for a long period of time and they had everything memorized). Then I dropped my candle (it was a quasi-candlelight vigil) on the ground and Bethany was all like: "You're going to hell!" and I started giggling a little hysterically because her face was scary and serious for about two seconds.
Then ninety million people were baptized, confirmed, or re-baptized or something... I don't really know. It took at least an hour for everything to happen. Meanwhile, Raye is starting to suffer from allergies and hives because of the incense (which reminded me of pine trees after a while... I'm not sure exactly what was in the incense). There was the most adorable Asian boy ever in front of us who kept grabbing his mother's face and staring at us and generally being a nuisance. I would have been SO MUCH WORSE than that boy at his age in a mass that lasted for three hours.
Okay, before I continue please let me stress that I am not in any way demonic.
Right. So, the priests were coming down the aisle and sprinkling holy water...
Helen's Body: Holy Something!! What was that?!? I'm under attack!! Better shake like a horse trying to dislodge a pesky fly!! *proceeds to shudder violently*
Bethany: Calm down!
Me: *chagrined and sad face because she has vague feelings that the people behind her probably think that she is some kind of demon*
I have sensory integration issues! That's all!
Then we knelt for the first time and my pantyhose apparently had little to no surface friction against the weird plastic stuff that the kneeling thing was made of so I slipped and fell to the floor. And Raye and Bethany laughed at me (quietly) and Raye patted me on the shoulder.
If that wasn't bad enough, I wasn't really thinking about appropriate things while I was kneeling. I kept drawing mythological analysis of what was happening in the Church (the chanting, the incense, etc.) and thinking about Freud. And what Freud would say. And Freud doesn't really say very much that is appropriate...
I did not take the Eucharist because I am not Catholic and the Bishop was giving it and I did not want to be a liar to the Bishop.
We left really really quickly after the service because Emily had to pee. But, as I was quickly sidling out the door and hoping that the people behind me weren't glaring at me and thinking that I was demon spawn, Bethany grabbed me:
Bethany: (in a hissed whisper) It's the Bishop!
Helen: *cautiously approaches Bishop and shakes his hand*
Bishop: Bless you.
Helen: *mumbles incoherently*
*All walk outside*
Bethany: We just shook the Bishop's hand! We're not going to purgatory! We're going straight to heaven!
Helen: Hey! He knows the Pope right?
Clare: Probably...
Helen: WERE ONE DEGREE OF SEPARATION FROM THE POPE
Bethany: And the Pope is one degree from St. Peter...
Helen: Because degrees of separation can go backwards in time... and Peter is one degree from Jesus...
Bethany: THREE DEGREES FROM JESUS!!
And that my friends is my Catholic Adventure...
ModernHelen
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