Cartoon

I drew a horrible cartoon showing my experience with the Crazy Lady at Lenscrafters (see previous post) with MS Paint. Expect more unless you leave horrible scathing comments.  Actually, this is my blog, so expect more even if you leave horriblty scathing comments!

I intend to draw all of my stick figures with dresses, represented by triangles, if they are women and with NO CLOTHES AT ALL if they are men. I am not sexist, I am just lazy and a bad bad artist.

Also, my mother is prettier than this picture shows.

Double also, all of the people in the picture have noses. I just don't like drawing noses. People are prettier without them.

The CrazyLady at Lenscrafters

We have all met crazy crazy people in our lives. As a person who is creative and has been involved in theatre, I may have met more than my fair share of slightly eccentric beloved crazy people. But the startling thing is that the crazy people do not live in a part of the city that is cordoned off with warning tape. THEY ARE ALL AROUND US.

And they are waiting to attack.

My first impression of a person being a bit off was strongly impressed upon my fragile little soul. I still recall it with feelings of uncomfortable bewildered foreboding. I was in Lenscrafters at the mall with my mother and we were getting a pair of glasses to correct my horrible mole-like vision when this old lady came up to us. I was feeling absolutely smashing that day, mostly because of the beautiful silver dragon pendant that I had bought and was wearing like a big grown-up girl (I still have this pendant. It is my friend.).

The lady seemed to be pretty nice. She asked my mother and I how we were and what was going on. My  mother had scarcely managed a neutral reply when she launched into a crazy rant against Harry Potter. I was bewildered. My mother was saying neutral things in an effort to placate her. Then, she shifted her crazy eyes to my shiny pendant and started in on me.

crazylady: What is that?
Me: Its a dragon!
crazylady: Where did you get it?
Me:...I bought it.
crazylady: Where?
Me: At a store.
crazylady: Why?
Me: I like dragons!
crazylady: What?!
Me: Dragons are awesome! I have dragon figurines and I'm writing a story about dragons and-
crazylady: Dragons are evil!
Me: *uncomprehending stare*
crazylady: (to mother) You shouldn't let her have that!
Mother: *Something neutral; tries to steer my wide-eyed self away from the lady I am beginning to realize is a wee bit off*
crazylady: You need to set a good example for your daughter!

SO... for those of you who skimmed that conversation and are lazy bums who use cliff notes as a replacement to the real thing instead of a supplement, the crux of crazy lady's argument was:

YOU WILL BURN LITTLE GIRL! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL! YOUR MOTHER WILL BURN FOR LEADING YOU ASTRAY! ALL READERS OF HARRY POTTER WILL BURN IN HELL! HELL SHALL COME FOR ALL OF YOU SINNERS!

So  you can see why this emotionally crushing experience remained with me. It has warped my soul. To this day, I do not like Lenscrafters...

Actually, that might have more to do with my problems with getting glasses that are non-stupid from them. See one of my earliest posts, The Saga of the Glasses, for more information.

I was to little and weirded out to defend myself then, but I think that I can defend myself now.

crazylady: Dragons are evil!

Modernhelen: You are mistaken my dear lady! Throughout the East dragons are revered as sacred guardians of wisdom, precious gems, water, rain, and the heavens themselves! Perhaps in the West they are often seen as mindless destructive brutes, or as adversaries who are demonic, as seen with the dragon that St. George slew, but dragons can be courageous and awesome! The association between dragons and the devil is because the devil wishes he was awesome enough to be associated with the awesomeness of dragons! I am using a lot of explanation marks in this speech! You are wrong intolerant crazylady of Lenscrafters!

Someone please invent a time machine so that I can appear in a magical cloud of smoke and explain this all to the crazylady.

Of course, if I magically appeared in a magical cloud of smoke, she might get the wrong impression...

ModernHelen

Things I am Strangely Obsessed With Part 1

All human beings are strange. Some human beings are strange enough to make blogs. Some human beings are strange enough to make lists of their strange obsessions. Some human beings are strange enough to compile lists of their strange obsessions and post them on their blogs. For those of you who are better with visual images, please see the below:

 I made it pretty colors...

Anyways, here are some things that I am strangely obsessed with! I hope that you all have lots of fun judging me. Just remember that somehow, somewhere, somebody is judging YOU.

1. Horror Movies
I really really like horror movies. I don't mean the slasher movies like Saw. I mean those movies with ghosts or non-sparkly vampires or monsters or something. My favorite are the movies that follow the hilarious formula of a bunch of stupid young punks doing something stupid and then running around stupidly as their numbers dwindle until a not-as-stupid-as-the-rest one finally saves the day and ends the evil...

2. Alien vs. Predator
I can feel the judgment! I really liked this movie. I also liked the old Aliens movies and the new Predators movie with Adrien Brody. I also may have read six or seven novelizations from the Alien vs. Predator universe...

3. Mythology
I LOVES THE MYTHOLOGY!!! I have since I was a small hyper child (who would have been diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication if I had been born like five years later). I really love the Welsh, Scottish, and Celtic myths. My favorite mythical creature is the kelpie, aka the glashtyn, the each uisge, or other random names depending on the country. Kelpies can be deadly and occasionally eat people! Hooray! That's why I wrote a horror story about one...

4. Chocolate
It has occurred to me that this is a natural obsession for human females, so it doesn't really count as something that I am strangely obsessed with...

5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Best TV show ever! As a small blonde woman, I enjoy seeing a small blonde woman take out vampires and monsters and demons. It helps aid me in my delusions that if there was a zombie apocalypse I might actually be good for something...

6. Hoarders
This is my new guilty pleasure show. It is about these people who have psychological disorders that manifest themselves as compulsions to NEVER EVER THROW THINGS AWAY. You would not believe how much stuff can fit in some body's house or trailer until you saw this show. It is really very serious; these people place themselves and their families at risk with their desires to never throw ANYTHING away. I'm serious when I say ANYTHING. There is trash and junk and even rotting food everywhere...

7. The Bravery
Awesome awesome band. If you do not like them, you better not tell me. I would have to sick my velociraptor minions on you.

8. The belief that I can someday be, or possible already am, the QUEEN OF THE VELOCIRAPTORS
As I am the queen of the velociraptors, this is not a strange obsession but a fact of life.

9. Coffee
I have several cups of coffee a day. Fortunately for the integrity of the space time continuum and my levels of hyperactiveness, I have started drinking decaf most of the time and sticking with only one cup of caffeinated coffee a day. In the mornings. Without this beautiful and miraculous cup of coffee, I am a zombie.

10. Stopping at number ten
This is a new obsession starting now. I will never ever make lists with more than ten items again. If the list needs to be longer, then I will create part 1, 2, 3, etc.

ModernHelen

ps: I am aware that I have many blog posts that are called "blah blah blah... part 1".
I do fully intend to do more parts to these posts, but the best laid intentions often go awry, so don't hold your breath. Please people. You need to breathe or your deoxygenated brain cells will perish and you will die.

How I was supposed to become famous

Yesterday I had one of those moments where I randomly remembered something crazy/amusing that I daydreamed about when I was younger. I will never share many of my daydreams on account of THEY ARE INSANE, but I think I will share this amusing one.

Once upon a time at the way-too-old-for-fairy tales age of 14, I was going to LA to visit my Aunt and Uncle and small cousin who are very well-off and live two houses down from Harrison Ford.

Harrison Ford is a jerk by the way...

Anyways, I started thinking.

LA is the place where people become discovered. Once discovered, they become famous. Once famous, they are INVINCIBLE. So, wanting to be invincible, I decided that I would like to become famous. And, of course, someone would notice how entirely awesome and uniquely beautiful I was, and the discovery and fame and invincibility would commence.

It is important to note that when I was 14 I had somehow reached the laughable conclusion that I was one of the prettiest people on the planet. I was quickly dissuaded of this once the dreaded acne began...

I had recently become a fan of Supernatural. So, my plan went something like this:

1. Supernatural casting director cannot find anyone right to play to role of the evil fairy queen.

2. Supernatural casting director sees me in all of my elven glory.

3. Supernatural casting director decides that I must screen test for this role.

4. I have the single best screen test in the long and scandalous history of screen testing.

5. I play the evil fairy queen in Supernatural!

6. I am so epic that I become the scream queen/ sexy villain of my generation.

7. Fame and invincibility follow.

Well, this obviously did not pan out. If it did, I would be wearing something besides an old sweat-shirt and pajama pants with penguins on them.

ModernHelen

ps: I like penguins...

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Everybody from me and my Santaraptor minion. If you do not celebrate Christmas, then merry whatever-holiday-you-celebrate.

Be good. Santaraptor is hungry.

ModernHelen

ps: Santaraptor was stolen from the public domain site of verydemotivational.com. Whoever drew him is quite possibly my soul mate.

I have no idea what to blog about

I have no idea what to blog about, but I feel like I need to blog about something because I didn't blog for so long because of horrible horrible finals. So I am just going to type about some random things that happened today.

First of all, my brother came up with some awesome lyrics for an emo song:
brother's lyrics: "I will turn into the ocean and then drown myself in myself".

I'm not really sure how one drowns oneself in oneself. Maybe if I got a basin and then I started crying, my tears would be salty, like the ocean, and then if I cried enough I would have enough tears to drown myself with...

Second of all, I just finished watching the movie Drag Me to Hell which is pretty epic if you like supernatural horror/dramas with B-movie elements and random inaccurate mythology. My favorite part *mild but not really that important spoiler alert* was when the goat started talking...

Ha! Now I have piqued your interests and you will all have to watch this movie so that you can see the talking crazy goat.

Third of all, my adorable insane cousins came tonight. They are three small boys and they enjoy wrestling. By wrestling, I mean sitting on your face and punching/kicking you with their tiny powerful fists/feet while wearing Star Wars pajamas.

Fortunately, my dad, brother, and uncle were the ones getting suffocated/punched/kicked because I am a college human female, and am therefore smart enough to avoid being attacked by miniature Jedi wannabes.

Isn't it great that college is making me so very very intelligent?

Fourth of all, I wish to inform you all about my favorite blog ever. If you think that my life is full of random hilarity and that I am amusing, then you ain't seen nothing yet. This woman has a blog called http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ . It is like my blog but better and with hilarious illustrations.

Incidentally, I am considering doing illustrations. Below is a sample of my artwork.

This beautiful piece is called "Crazy Triangles that I drew because I cannot draw anything else with the stupid computer mouse."

What do you think?

ModernHelen

ps: If you all want to abandon me forever for hyperboleandahalf, please don't. I might have to start crying into my basin...

pps: The spell check tried to change emo to Elmo. This amuses me.

Dear Universe part 1

Hey everybody! I am finally done with finals, back home, and ready to blog like a college student at Christmas (which I am...). I decided to do one of those things were you write a series of letters to people, inanimate objects, and concepts that will never ever write letters back.

Just for funnsies.



Dear Insomnia,

I hate you. You are a big fat jerk and you make me feel like a crazy person. If I could beat you to death with some kind of improvised medieval siege weapon, I would.

ModernHelen



Dear Chocolate

I love you. You make everything in the entire planet shiny and magical. However, I think that you should stop selling out to the oranges. Chocolate and orange is a waste of good chocolate. You should be ashamed of yourself.

ModernHelen



Dear Synethesia,

I do not appreciate seeing bright flashes of light when I hear loud sounds. You auditory and visual neurons need to get together and work things out amongst yourselves.

ModernHelen


Dear College Cafeteria,

Fried okra is not a vegetable.

ModernHelen


Dear Dracula,

What do you think of Twilight?

ModernHelen


Dear Government of the United States of America,

I do not like you. I have not liked you since you took MY money from me when I had a job in a dinner theatre when I was seven. The vast majority of Americans does not like you because you take too much money. Has it occurred to you that perhaps you should DECREASE the budget deficit?

ModernHelen



Dear Batman,

Please KILL the joker. Seriously. He breaks out a jail and kills/threatens/maims a bunch of people, and you just put him right back into jail. And then the cycle repeats.

ModernHelen



Dear Phantom of the Opera,

Kidnapping is not the way to a woman's heart. I suggest chocolates, shiny things, and being less of a namby-pamby than Raoul. It should not be particularly difficult.

ModernHelen



Dear Clothing Company,

WHY do you not make clothes for me? Is there some sort of law that all short people are either grossly over weight or the size of a ten year old child? I am a woman with curves! Make me some damn* pants that fit!!

ModernHelen



Dear Universe,

What is the meaning of life?

ModernHelen


Dear ModernHelen

That would be telling.

The Universe



That was fun! I will probably do this again, so consider yourselves warned. Also, I promise to start blogging regularly now that I am home again!

ModernHelen


*I feel that this expletive is vital as it adds to the strength of my rage against the clothing company.

Socks

Today I am going to talk about socks. If you are not a fan of socks, please do not read this post. If you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from an incident or incidents involving socks, continuing to read could be damaging to your mental health.

That is my disclaimer.

Shoes, especially womens' shoes, are ridiculously uncomfortable, and I like having socks to protect my feet from those dastardly shoes. Socks can also be fun and personalized. They can be short, long or anywhere in between.

One time, I actually went into a sock boutique. There were over priced socks everywhere, and I bought some. My favorite pair have alligators on them, so its like "AH ALLIGATORS ARE EATING MY FEET".

But, I do have a few problems with socks now that I think of it.

First of all, why do they get so dirty so quickly? Those lazy jerks just love to get all icky and dirty and worn out, so that I have to but too many extra pairs! I understand that they are on my feet all day, but that is no excuse.

Secondly, why do I have so many missing socks all the time?I swear that every single time that I do laundry I lose socks. The only explanation is that there is a monster in the laundry machine that eats them. Terry Pratchett imagined a very interesting "eater of socks" in The Hogfather (excellent book! you must read). Or maybe there are gremlins in the washing machine and they make little smocks out of the socks that they steal...

Tertiarily, Why do they come off of my feet when I am sleeping? Do I sleep walk and have so many epic battles that my socks just spontaneously fall off of my feet? And then get lost in my sheets forever and ever?

Fourthly and finally, why do they no longer make socks the length i want them to be? I do not like anklets and I do not like knee-highs, but I have been having a heck of a problem finding anything else!

Now I cannot stop thinking about socks.

THEY STRIKE AGAIN!

Hope that you all enjoyed this because I will not be posting again until finals are over, after December 16th. I know that you will be saddened, but you all must learn to live without my awesomeness for a few days. Besides, I am fairly certain many of YOU have finals that you should be studying for!

ModernHelen

Crazy crazy teachers Part 1: Crazy Music Teacher

There are some people who should not be allowed to teach.

There are some people who should not be allowed near small impressionable children.

And then, there are those special special people who should not be allowed to teach AND should not be allowed near small impressionable children.

But, these people, especially those in the last category, rarely seem to acknowledge their own short-comings and ineptitude in their chosen fields. With this in mind, I have to share some of the fun experiences that I had during the formative years of my youth when I was a precocious child (aka a smart-mouthed little twerp).s

 The crazy music teacher

This woman was crazy. I'm not kidding. My mom says that all of the mothers would talk about how crazy she was. This woman was obsessed with these inflatable band instruments that she had and with making her little choir programs absolutely perfect.

Have you ever had to pretend to play inflatable hot-pink guitar while wearing an elf costume and screaming Jingle Bell Rock in front of a bunch of googly-eyed parents for ten minutes?

I have.

Eventually, I realized that getting up at 5:30 to be in this woman's choir thing was horrible and I didn't go back.

After calling in my mother for a special talk and raving like about how talented I was and how she wanted me back in the chorus, She maturely threatened to get me kicked out of a special audition-only children's chorus that I was part of. She told my mom that:

1) she was friends with the director.
2) kids who were in this select choir were also required to be in a school choir.
3) SHE WAS GONNA GET ME KICKED OUT.

All of these claims were false. My mom called the director of my children's choir. I'm going to pretend that the conversation went something like this:

DirectorWoman: Hello?

Mom: This is Helen's Mom. I am calling because my daughter's crazy choir teacher at school says that she cannot be apart of your choir if she isn't in her school's choir.

DirectorWoman: That isn't true. What school does she go to?

Mom: She goes to *insert generic elementary school name here*.

DirectorWoman: Oh! I know all about that woman. She's bothered us before. Don't worry about it.

Mom: She sure is crazy! (laughs)

DirectorWoman: Yes she is! Isn't it good to have some crazy people as teachers that warp our children's fragile little minds?

Mom: Yep!

Well, it turns out that the crazy music teacher was a tad bit too crazy. She was fired after screaming "I'LL KILL YOU!" at a little girl multiple times. Not in a funny way. In a crazy and scary way.

ModernHelen


ps: points points to anyone who found the South Park Movie reference.

Helen vs. Zombies

I have been having dreams about zombies for a long long time. I think I had them before I watched any zombie movies or even knew much about zombies. Maybe I was just dreaming about people chasing me.

People who hungered for my delicious brains.

Anyways, I am remembering this now do to a massive crazy zombie apocalypse dream that I had last night after a fun fun round of insomnia madness. This zombie dream was a bit different. First of all, I was with my family and we were in a car. Unfortunately, these zombies were fairly intelligent and could do things like drive cars (badly) and ride bikes. There was also this one super zombie guy that could run REALLY FAST and almost caught us before giving up. There were also zombie children, but they seemed to only be interested in McDonald's chicken McNuggets.

 I guess some things about childhood never change.

This got me thinking. If it came down to Helen vs. zombies, how much of a chance would I have?

Why I Might Survive:

1. I can fit into tight spaces that are inaccessible to the larger undead
2. I could befriend stronger people who could protect me.
3. My roommate has an awesome car and could probably protect me.
4. I am blond, so if this was a zombie movie, I would make it about halfway through at least, right?
5. I'M TOO AWESOME TO DIE!

Why I Would Probably Die:

1. I can't shoot
2. I have the upper arm strength of a spaghetti noodle.
3. I do stupid things when I panic
4. My screaming about the zombies that were after me would doubtless attract more zombies
5. My endurance is bad
6. I am blond, so I will probably die in the penultimate showdown. Where's that hair dye?...
7. I'M TOO AWESOME TO LIVE!

Shout-out to all those who are crazy zombie fans. Zombies are infinity times cooler than sparkly vegetarian vampires.

ModernHelen