Coffee as a Proof of God's Existence

I have been studying for a philosophy test that deals with, among other things, God and proofs for/against his existence. You see, in Western thought, philosophy and theology have been intermingly for a LONG LONG time.

So... as I was studying at one in the morning,wishing that I had coffee, it suddenly dawned on me that I had the single greatest argument for God's existence ever. Anyone who is overly caffeinated and cannot function without his cup-of-joe will agree with me. God will be giving me massive brownie points for turning so many atheists to the light in one fell swoop!

Helen's Brilliant Proof for God's Existence

1. God is infinite good.

2. Consumption of coffee makes life infinitely better.

3. Coffee, the source of infinite betterment, must have been created by something infinitely good.

4. Coffee must have been created by God.

5.Because coffee exists and it was created by God, God, the creator of coffee, must exist.

This can also apply to chocolate!!! Seriously, just replace coffee with chocolate and you have another proof.

ModernHelen

How to be Self-Righteous

Have you ever noticed that everyone is so darn self-righteous? Have you watched with fascination as their faces reddened, cringed beneath the force of their rhetoric, and dodged their spittle of indignation? Well, you can be self-righteous too! Simply follow these easy steps...

1. Practice your self-righteous face and voice
-remember to use emphatic gestures and BIG words
-the more annoying your voice gets, the more you win!
-add in phrases like "I'm no expert but..." or "Anyone with sense can see..."

2. Forget all the rules of polite conversation
-this isn't about talking to someone! It's about talking at someone
-bonus points if you prove the other person wrong or send them away in tears

3. Find a topic to be self-righteous about
-this is the fun and easy part! You don't even have to know what you are talking about!
-remember, your topic should be unimportant and/or not applicable to you
-scientific terms (make them up if you have to) will confuse people and give you VICTORY

4. Find some people to unleash your self-righteous fury on
-small children and the elderly are good targets
-DO NOT take on lawyers; they know a lot of big words. They also know some Latin words and are fluent in legalese. They will win.

5. Let your self-righteous fury shine

ex: "I'm no expert but you, sir, are an imbecilic baboon-man if you doubt the rights of the sea-slug, also known as the Seacus Awesomeus Slugucus! I will rail against you until part of your soul withers away and you go cry like the baboon-man that you are!"

ModernHelen

ps: Thank you so much to my three subscribers! You guys are awesome. I feel really special. I'll try to keep being funny and/or strange. Feel free to comment!

Dragons logically follow Dinosaurs

I am sure that we all have strange things that happened in our childhood.

But I bet we are not all ready to pour the shame, embarrassment, and stupidity that haunted our younger selves into a blog that ten people have glanced at.

Well, maybe a lot of people are...

This is only part 1 because I know I will remember more weirdness from my childhood.

Helen and Dinosaurs
dinosaurs never cease to be awesome. However, there was a time in my youth when they were particularly awesome. I was about three the year I decided I wanted a Velociraptor for Christmas (a plastic one you morons. Dinosaurs are all extinct). So, on Christmas I got a PLASTIC VELOCIRAPTOR!!!!...

This ruined me for normalcy. I'm convinced of it. Mom, you ruined me for normal life by indulging in my crazy dinosaur wanting whims. Now, I am going to be a scientist and work with DNA and I will probably clone velociraptors (except I will use chickens not frogs. Stupid Michael Critchon), and they will eat us. No, actually they will probably regard me as their velociraptor queen. It will be magical..

You see? Did you see how crazy that was?? I will never ever be normal ever.

Helen and Dragons
Okay, Dragons are the next logical step from dinosaurs, right? I mean, they are dinosaurs but they BREATHE FIRE AND FLY and maybe, they TALK to you and stuff.

Well, I have liked dragons since kindergarten. You see, I had decided that being a girly-girl was stupid. The logical thing was obviously to become a NOT girly-girl. Ergo, dragons.

Dragons cured me of some of my sensory integration issues! You see, the color red used to make me cry, but then I got this awesome Welsh flag. If you do not know what a Welsh flag looks like, google it. It is green and white and has a giant awesome bright red dragon at the center. Suddenly, the color red did not bother me anymore.

And I was unhealthily obsessed with dragons. To the point where I remember staring up at the ceiling at a friend's sleepover party and wishing that a dragon would kidnap me (not really sure on what a dragon would do with a hyper active crazy child who wants to clone velociraptors) and I would have magical adventures.

In fact, I think that I believed in dragons until I was about 12. I stopped believing only when I realized that Santa was not real, or else he would have brought me the dragon egg that I had asked for. Then I realized that if Santa, the leprechaun, the Easter bunny, and fairies were not real then dragons probably weren't either.

But, part of me is still convinced that any day now that dragon is going to show up and bring me magical adventures.

Well, a hot guy on a motorcycle would work too (I have grown up a little bit). But he better be pretty damn hot to compete with a dragon. He better be Tom Felton or Tatum Channing or something.

Modern Helen

Why cursive is stupid and handwriting is obsolete

I remember well the days of elementary school. I was a small emotionally unstable child who got good grades in pretty much everything.

Except for handwriting and/or cursive.

Learning cursive felt like a punishment from God. I think that Dante left it out in his inferno. It is definitely in one of the rings of hell.

Probably the one at the very center.

Anyways, cursive was basically something that you learn in third or fourth grade and then never use again, unless you like calligraphy or are a glutton for punishment or something. I honestly do not get cursive. It isn't even that easy to read, and it makes my hand cramp to move my pencil in all those stupid look-at-me-I'm-a-magnificent-showoff loops. And handwriting: who cares how bad your handwriting is as long as you can read it, and it is marginally legible on tests? Thanks to the magnificent bounty of technology, we type everything up anyway.

I know there are a few of you who are proud of your sickeningly beautiful handwriting. Good for you. I guess you did not have enough love as a child and were forced to pour all of your heart into creating perfectly rounded "o" s and exactly perpendicular "l"s. Good luck finding a spouse who can stand your creepily exact script.

But, here is my ultimate vindication. The ACT* has a place where you basically have to write " I promise that I didn't cheat, and if I ever tell anyone about this test you can take my kneecaps and my gerbil, if I have one" IN CURSIVE. And you know what? It takes twenty minutes because no one has used cursive since childhood, and that time is kinda fuzzy. WE ALL FAKE IT.

So HAHAHAHA 3rd and 4th grade cursive! Even when I was a small hyperactive child I knew that you were stupid and useless.

* The ACT is an assessment test high school kids take for college, in case you didn't already know that**

**If you didn't know that, you are clearly living in your own little box, and I envy you. There isn't room for cursive in a box...

ModernHelen

Things my brain automatically assumes

I like lists. Here's another one!

1. Small blackish things that might be spiders ARE spiders.

2. If you are carrying a plastic bag, it has candy in it. I don't care if I see old shoelaces poking out from the top, I know there is candy in there somewhere. And I know that it is for me.

3. The only logical conclusion to the phrase "the phantom of-" is "-the opera".

4. If you start singing, you want me to join you.

5. If the closet door is open, then it is because there is an invisible closet monster in there.

6. Shiny=Awesome

If you think my brain associations are stupid and/or damaging to my chances of winning at life, then you are obviously wrong, because I am totally winning at life!

That's what my mommy thinks.

ModernHelen

Medicines I am not Allowed to Take

Today, I took non-drowsy allergy medication because the doctor told me it might make my wooziness go away (I have had vertigo due to the climate change at my new college).

It should have said: "Non-drowsy. Unless your name is Helen. If your name is Helen, you will be really out of it during Honors and Choir so HAHAHA!!! I'm gonna ruin your Thursday!"

At least I didn't take it before my chemistry lab. That would have been really really interesting. In a horrible way...

Anyways, here is a list* of the medications I cannot take due to funny funny weirdness of my biochemistry.

1. Non-Drowsy Medicine:

Previously discussed. Will make me drowsy. And also slightly spacey.

2. Vicodin:

Anyone who has had there wisdom teeth removed has probably taken Vicodin. It is kinda awesome, because it warps your perspective of time and life. I was watching Wuthering Height two days after my wisdom teeth removal on Vicodin, and I think that there was angst and somebody fell/jumped/was pushed off some kind of cliff. The whole movie blurred into this twenty minute span in mu brain, but I am fairly certain it was over two hours long.

Seriously people! You get up in the morning, take your Vicodin with your smoothied-yogurt, because real yogurt is too tough on your stitches and will make your mouth bleed, and then it is suddenly night time, and you are staring at a tv screen wondering why that one lady fell/jumped/was pushed off of that one cliff.

3. Any kind of multi-symptom cold relief:

This stuff makes me legitimately high. I took some and I could not move for three hours. I lay half conscious on the sofa, and then on my parents bed (I don't remember getting there...) with massive visual hallucinations.

There was a dancing fruit line. I mean it! I saw giant pieces of fruit with arms and legs dancing. And there was conga music. And then cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer** was on a beach, with the dancing fruit line, and I had a martini. Then, I started to hear this voice and I was like, what is that? It sounds like Michelle Obama?! And you know what? It was. Someone had left the tv on, and I could not move, so I lay there, listening to Michelle Obama talking over the conga music of the dancing fruit line as various characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer refilled my martini glass.

4. Melatonin

You know that whole theory about how "melatonin will make you sleepy and your brain produces it naturally when you go to bed?" The correct theory is "melatonin will make you sleepy...UNLESS you are Helen. Then it will make you strangely excited and hyper and you will be convinced that someone is going to break into the house that night and get you."

No more melatonin for me. Ever. I thought my heart was going to explode out of my eardrums.

5. Ambien

This stuff really does knock me out. But then, I wake up with a pounding heart at two in the morning, and I am unable to convince my body that nothing exciting and/or horrible is going to happen. Also, I think that every piece of lint is a spider, but that is kinda normal.

That's all for now!

ModernHelen

*I like lists.

**BEST. SHOW. EVER.

Why you will never be kidnapped while taking out the garbage

Today I was a big girl and I took the garbage out ALL BY MYSELF. There should be a parade with seventy-six trombones.

My roommate, Ashley (who is awesome by the way) was all like "Do you want me to come with you to make sure you don't get kidnapped?"

I wittily replied: "I smell like sweat and garbage. Nobody's going to kidnap me! (I smell like sweat because I went to the gym. Girls sweat when they workout. Unless they have botox in their sweat glands...)."

I think it is an awesomely true statement. I have my banged-up glasses on and my hair is a mess. My breathe smells like ice cream. My hair is exploding in wisps because of the humidity. And I smell like sweat. And garbage. There is also a massive zit on my forehead.

I don't know much about kidnapping logic, but I would not kidnap me if I saw me looking like that!

Ashley has just pointed out that hobos smell like sweat and garbage too.
...

Maybe it isn't so safe after all...

ModernHelen

Ps: I am sorry if I offended anyone by making light of a serious issue. Kidnapping is not funny and must be stopped.

Why I hate technology

You know how you are all stressed out, but you are pretty sure it will turn out all right? Life is throwing wacky wacky things at you, and you have more homework than a bureaucrat has paperwork, but you are reasonably sure you will come through the ordeal alive and as a stronger individual who has learned some kind of lesson...

Why is it THIS EXACT MOMENT when you are so close to achieving academic/work/spiritual awesomeness that the computer FREAKS OUT.

Maybe it will only print in streaky lines. Even though you KNOW you replaced the ink cartridge. Five minutes ago.

Maybe it will not send something. Like your philosophy paper that is due in thirteen hours. Because it hates you and your flash drive and wants you both to suffer in the hell where technology-challenged people go.

Maybe, you will only have three pages of paper on which to print your four page paper because the computer has eaten the rest of the ream in a paper jam so massive that it sent ripples backwards in time, and probably killed the dinosaurs.

Maybe, it just froze and you have to sacrifice to the technology Gods to make it work again. Except you don't know how to do that because you are technology-challenged and cannot read the manual for how to sacrifice to the technology Gods.

For me, technology in general and computers in particular seem to be the last straw that sends me from the teetering safety of panicked sanity into the dark abyss of blind, crazy, terror.

There is a reason I have named my laptop "the prince of darkness".
I think that someday I will organize a massive event of computer DESTRUCTION. With bulldozers. And flame throwers. And lots of angry people just like me.

Please note that the irony of my using a computer to type this rant is not lost on me. The internet will probably have its revenge my choking my server with cookies or something...

Modern(and wishing she wasn't)Helen


ps: I promise to put pictures on this thing eventually!!!

Oh my goodness. People are actually reading this?

I am officially weirded out. This does not happen often, because I was a weird person to begin with.

People have actually read this blog. I saw it on the page view thingy.

Someone is Alaska read this blog? Do I know anybody in Alaska?

Hello person of unknown gender from Alaska. I hope that you are not the kind of person who will drive through the wilds of Canada to the continental United States to stalk me. I am sure you are very nice. I hope.

That's all for now. I'm just vaguely pleased and a little afraid that some of the billions of Internet users have seen my inane ramblings.

ModernHelen

Nightmares

Ever since I was a smaller and, presumably, more innocent child I have had nightmares. I don't mean vague scary dreams with unintimidating disney villains. I mean nightmares, from the original etymology of the word!*

*The night mare was a horse that came at night and you hopelessly rode upon, tormented by devils who apparently have nothing better to do, while in your underwear. (or something... it was on wikipedia...)

Here are my most favoritest nightmares that I would like to share with you. In list form. Because I like lists.

1) There was a harpy who was trying to STEAL MY SOUL! Fortunately, my utter terror caused my body to throw me violently off my bed. Onto the safety of my nightstand.

2) There was a zombie apocalypse and I was trying to hide in the ceiling at my old high school, but my high school has stupid ceilings, and all of my classmates were zombies, and I knew that they were going to ignore all the biological stupidity of eating my brains and go ahead and eat them anyway!

3) The characters of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer were trying to kill me. This was a seriously bad dream. I am a tiny person with noodle arms and Buffy could probably kill me in 2.5 seconds.

4) There was a dragon on a cloud and he was trying to eat me, and I had to get him back into the book where he belonged by making a magical amulet out of butterflies, but they are not very cooperative, and then I had to run away and hide from the dragon and my abject failure.

5) My history teacher told me my research paper on Heloise of Paraclete was so poorly written that he had given me a negative F. I do not know what a negative F is... (I got a 98 on the paper!!!).

6) There was a werewolf who was trying to STEAL MY SOUL (is my soul popular? Is it more popular than me?!?!). But, then he did, and it made me evil, and I picked up this battle axe that I randomly had and I went medieval on his stupid lycanthropic ass!!!

7) There was this evil house that would not let me leave because it was sentient and it wanted someone to clean it forever and ever and ever.

8) The phantom of the opera took a bite out of my pesto bagel!!! Don't laugh people; that was a terribly tragic moment for me. Also, he then kidnapped this girl I know, Leslie (I know you are an alto Leslie, but apparently my brain doesn't...).

9) The worms from the Tremors movies were attacking and Julia ran up to me to warn me about it screaming, "They're after the children!" And I was afraid because I am very small and short, and I bet that a bunch of prehistoric worms would totally think I was a child based off of the vibrations that I was making...

10) The world ended and I was watching it (from space?) and then this one guy was like, "so now what?" and an alien exploded out of his chest...

aliens 1 humans 0...

In retrospect, those dreams aren't really that scary on paper. But they were terrifying in my brain.

modernhelen

Why there is now another random blog and Why do you need a coach bag for Chemistry?

Once upon a time, a young college student was staring at her Vertebrate Physiology Lab Report to try to make it make sense.

This did not work.

Then, she randomly remembered that she could have her very own SHINY blog for absolutely free from the wonderful land of blogspot.com (you are welcome for the free advertisement).

SOOO....
Now I have a blog


I'm going to write about the first thing that occurrs to be


Wow, my brain is stupid right now. It might be because I have one quiz, two tests, and three papers due within the next week and a half.

Okay, here is something I've noticed:
Southern Culture is different from what I am accustomed to.
There are girls here (not too many, but a few) who get up at six in the morning and make sure their hair and makeup and clothing is PERFECT and then head off to--
a nine  o'clock chemistry class?

Is there some magic rule I am not getting? Is the rule "wear sweatpants everywhere and be basically awesome in college EXCEPT if you are a girl you have to make yourself freaking perfect for your nine o'clock chemistry class?" Because I am not following that rule. It's CHEMISTRY. Coach bags will not illuminate stoichiometry or the mystifying rules of significant figures.

By the by, is the coach bag even a symbol of affluence any more? I mean, so many people are toting them around, and you know most of those people are thinking "I have a coach bag! Witness my affluence!" What I am witnessing is merely that the middle class is still desperately trying to trade in "middle" for "upper".

Or possibly "super-freakin-awesome".

You know where you should get purses? TJ Max. I get purses that retail at more than a hundred bucks there for less than thirty.

WIN for the povery stricken college student!

I promis these will eventually be less rambling. Not that anyone cares because no one is reading this but...

ModernHelen