I am tired of people talking about how everything can happen if you just believe. It is annoying and clearly wrong. Below are some things that I will never ever be no matter how much I believe in myself.
1) I will never be a Navy Seal
-When I was little, I seriously wanted to be a Navy Seal. There are several things standing in the way of this. First of all, I am a woman. Second of all, I am five foot one. Third of all, I have the upper body strength of a boiled piece of spaghetti and the endurance of a teddy bear hamster.
2) I will never be a dancer
-Generally, dancers are expected to not trip on air. Just sayin'
3) I will never by a marine biologist
-I have horrible sinuses that keep me from going more than five feet under water. No one wants a marine biologist who so clearly fails at going underwater!
4) I will never be a supervillain
-Sadly, I am too bouncy and adorable to be a supervillain. However, I still have hope of being the conniving girlfriend of a supervillain...
5)I will never be a mathematician
-I am perfectly okay with this. Being a mathematician is at least the fourth level of hell. Its probably the ninth. It may well be the twelfth.
6) I will never be a cyborg
-THEY'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
7) I will never be a serial killer
-No upper arm strength. Plus too adorable. Plus I am very squeamish and think that serial killers are disgusting.*
8) I will never be a Hollywood actress
-I am fairly certain you have to be a drunk drug-addicted wreck for this to happen. At least, that is what the tabloids have led me to believe.
9) I will never be a model
-I am six inches too short.
10) I will never be a vampire slayer
-Vampires don't exist, so there is no need for vampire slayers.
11) I will never be a man.
-I'm very female, and I cannot see this changing in the near future.
ModernHelen
*If any of my readers are serial killers, please don't take personal offense, and please don't come surprise me.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Why I never dread the Holiday Weight Gain
You know how everyone is always like "OMG! It is the most fattening time of the year! I am going to eat nine servings of turkey and an entire pie with every meal, and dunk my mashed potatoes into a moat of gravy! I am going to gain so much weight!"
I am not like everyone. I am a unique person when it comes to the holidays. Instead of gaining weight at the end of the year and then losing it during the spring and summer like a normal person, I gain weight during the summer and lose it all during the winter.
Why you ask?
It is partially because of the stress of school and finals. I am in a constant state of panic and low level dread, and this burns massive piles of calories. As the workload heats up and school starts to get more intense, I lose more and more weight, until I am down to about 100, about eight pounds less than my healthy weight.
However, the real reason is that I don't like ANYTHING that people stuff themselves with during the holiday meals.
I do not like:
1) Gravy. I never have and I never will. This is merely a liquid mixture of fat, turkey innards, milk, butter, and flour. Think about it. Gravy is disgusting.
2) Stuffing.
3) Cranberry Sauce. Especially when it retains its can-like shape, because you were too lazy to break it up and pretend that you made it yourself.
4) Pie. The only pie I like is chocolate. All other pies are unbearably sweet to me.
5) Turkey. Don't get me wrong, turkey is okay. I just have about seven other kinds of meat that I prefer to Turkey.
6) Yams with brown sugar. I eat my yams with butter and salt like a REAL man...woman... I don't understand the obsessive desire to add MORE sugar to something that is all ready sweet.
7) Eggnog. It is vile and goes bad too easily. And then you get a bunch of sick, angry, drunk party guests, which is seldom a smart plan.
8) Gingerbread. Just not good about 90% of the time.
9) Mashed Potatoes. I hate them and their squishy texture. I think that potatoes have the right to me baked, not mashed.
I DO like chocolate and cider though, which is a good thing. Sometimes, this is all that I have to eat at family meals.
Do not hate me or call me unamerican for my aversion to holiday goodies. I am just a special overly stressed crazy American woman, like everyone else in this great land.
ModernHelen
ps: Finals are coming, and I make absolutely NO promises in regards to my ability to publish in a timely fashion. If you feel bereft and deprived of my blogtasticness, then you probably need to get a little bit more of a life...
I am not like everyone. I am a unique person when it comes to the holidays. Instead of gaining weight at the end of the year and then losing it during the spring and summer like a normal person, I gain weight during the summer and lose it all during the winter.
Why you ask?
It is partially because of the stress of school and finals. I am in a constant state of panic and low level dread, and this burns massive piles of calories. As the workload heats up and school starts to get more intense, I lose more and more weight, until I am down to about 100, about eight pounds less than my healthy weight.
However, the real reason is that I don't like ANYTHING that people stuff themselves with during the holiday meals.
I do not like:
1) Gravy. I never have and I never will. This is merely a liquid mixture of fat, turkey innards, milk, butter, and flour. Think about it. Gravy is disgusting.
2) Stuffing.
3) Cranberry Sauce. Especially when it retains its can-like shape, because you were too lazy to break it up and pretend that you made it yourself.
4) Pie. The only pie I like is chocolate. All other pies are unbearably sweet to me.
5) Turkey. Don't get me wrong, turkey is okay. I just have about seven other kinds of meat that I prefer to Turkey.
6) Yams with brown sugar. I eat my yams with butter and salt like a REAL man...woman... I don't understand the obsessive desire to add MORE sugar to something that is all ready sweet.
7) Eggnog. It is vile and goes bad too easily. And then you get a bunch of sick, angry, drunk party guests, which is seldom a smart plan.
8) Gingerbread. Just not good about 90% of the time.
9) Mashed Potatoes. I hate them and their squishy texture. I think that potatoes have the right to me baked, not mashed.
I DO like chocolate and cider though, which is a good thing. Sometimes, this is all that I have to eat at family meals.
Do not hate me or call me unamerican for my aversion to holiday goodies. I am just a special overly stressed crazy American woman, like everyone else in this great land.
ModernHelen
ps: Finals are coming, and I make absolutely NO promises in regards to my ability to publish in a timely fashion. If you feel bereft and deprived of my blogtasticness, then you probably need to get a little bit more of a life...
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Here is a prime example of college life
I haven't updated in a while due to crazy Thanksgiving madness. Here is a post that I apparently wrote at four in the morning after finishing a very difficult lab report. I had about six cups of coffee in me at the time, so don't judge. I have left any grammar and/or spelling weirdness as is.
Hello everyone! it is nearly four o'clock in the morning. I should not still be up. I should be asleep. I am ruining my health for singing and stuff.
Here is a good rule of thumb: NEVER assume that a lab report that is almost done is really almost done. It turns out that almost done can translate into six hours of formating, freaking out, and realizing that your data is so stupid that you kinda want to cry, but you can't because you are pleasantly numb emotionally due to your fifth cup of coffee.
I am really really caffienated. I am sure that this will be a strange strange post. But don't people always post when they are drunk? Can't I post when I am sleep-deprived and over-caffinated?
I think that this is a new high-point for me: I have never in my life stayed up this late before. Wait, that is a low-point...
Let's just say that this marks a new time as a REAL college kid for me.
I am fairly certain that I invented a new form of footnoting for this lab report. This is interesting. Fortunately, I can rework it. Otherwise badness would ensue.
I am really paranoid because of the caffiene. I should probably go to bed now. I hope that you all enjoy this crazy caffinated-Helen post which I may or may not remove later depending on whether I have a sense of shame for my egregious and very human error of not being on top of my homework.
I have been awake for 21 hours.
If I had 3 more hours, I would have 24 hours.
Then Jack Bauer would come...
Damn you caffiene!
ModernHelen
Hello everyone! it is nearly four o'clock in the morning. I should not still be up. I should be asleep. I am ruining my health for singing and stuff.
Here is a good rule of thumb: NEVER assume that a lab report that is almost done is really almost done. It turns out that almost done can translate into six hours of formating, freaking out, and realizing that your data is so stupid that you kinda want to cry, but you can't because you are pleasantly numb emotionally due to your fifth cup of coffee.
I am really really caffienated. I am sure that this will be a strange strange post. But don't people always post when they are drunk? Can't I post when I am sleep-deprived and over-caffinated?
I think that this is a new high-point for me: I have never in my life stayed up this late before. Wait, that is a low-point...
Let's just say that this marks a new time as a REAL college kid for me.
I am fairly certain that I invented a new form of footnoting for this lab report. This is interesting. Fortunately, I can rework it. Otherwise badness would ensue.
I am really paranoid because of the caffiene. I should probably go to bed now. I hope that you all enjoy this crazy caffinated-Helen post which I may or may not remove later depending on whether I have a sense of shame for my egregious and very human error of not being on top of my homework.
I have been awake for 21 hours.
If I had 3 more hours, I would have 24 hours.
Then Jack Bauer would come...
Damn you caffiene!
ModernHelen
Friday, November 19, 2010
It is time for another quasi-educational rant!
Hello loyal viewers! It is time for another quasi-educational rant! This one will be about the quantum enigma.
For everyone who does not know the puzzle that is quantum mechanics, you must read: The Quantum Enigma by Bruce Rosenblum and Fred Kuttner. I promise that it is not a difficult or dry book. It was written for the intelligent non-physicist who wants to understand a little bit of the weirdness.
Okay. So Newton gave us Classical Physics. Classical Physics is very pretty. It is neat, tidy, and ordered. It gives us the understanding that there are objective facts and empirical laws that determine the way things are. Math is derived from these laws. Physics is derived from math. Chemistry is derived from Physics. Biology is derived from Chemistry. Psychology is derived from Biology. Basically, it is a big pyramid scheme of derivation, and LAWS and FACTS that are objective govern the universe.
Then, one day (well... series of days. Or years.) some physicists realized that classical physics did not really explain uncertainty principles and all the weirdness that is sub atomic particles. However, when they took the view that atoms ( which make up everything) exist at several states, AT THE SAME TIME and then collapse into a certain state or another, everything was magical and worked out.
As everything was magical and quantum physics was okey-dokey for practical applications, people decided not to think of the implications. Implications are scary.
BUT, some people* will stare the universe and go, "Why is this the case? What is going on? WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS?" The other physics people did not like these people. They wanted to USE the quantum physics (without even buying dinner first) but keep the LAWS given by Classical Physics.
Because you know what? Something has to collapse the atoms into one state or another and, as far as we can tell, observation is what does this. To make things even weirder, observation seems to act ACROSS TIME. We can also set up an experiment to show what we want to see. This means that I can set up an experiment to see light as a wave. I will then observe light to be a wave. My observation will reach BACKWARDS across time and space, making it so that the light I was observing was always a wave.
But who can make observations? Some physicists say machines can. But many insist that only a conscious observer (a human) can make the observations.
This means that human consciousness is what collapses atoms into a certain state, and reaches backwards across time so that they were always in this certain state. Atoms make up everything. This implies that consciousness, NOT THE LAWS given to us by classical physics is what creates the universe.
Now can you see the issue? This puts humans at the center of the universe again. Everything exists and has existed as it does due to our observation of it. Without the conscious observation of us humans, everything exists in multiple uncollapsed states. Instead of facts and laws being at the base of the pyramid, we have consciousness.
OMG. This is amazing! This means that the dinosaurs existed because I made them exist! My conscious observation collapsed the atoms that made up their skeletons into skeletons and reached BACKWARDS ACROSS TIME to create them! I am the queen of the velociraptors and all other dinosaurs!
I hope that you are all thoroughly confused by my immature treatment of this perplexing and awesome puzzle and will read the book I mentioned at the beginning of the blog post to get more clarification! I promise to not try to be educational again for at least another five posts.
ModernHelen
* I am one of those people. That is why I will be a philosopher. A philosopher's job is to stare the universe until something stares back. Or until he is killed by the Athenians. Whatever happens first.
For everyone who does not know the puzzle that is quantum mechanics, you must read: The Quantum Enigma by Bruce Rosenblum and Fred Kuttner. I promise that it is not a difficult or dry book. It was written for the intelligent non-physicist who wants to understand a little bit of the weirdness.
Okay. So Newton gave us Classical Physics. Classical Physics is very pretty. It is neat, tidy, and ordered. It gives us the understanding that there are objective facts and empirical laws that determine the way things are. Math is derived from these laws. Physics is derived from math. Chemistry is derived from Physics. Biology is derived from Chemistry. Psychology is derived from Biology. Basically, it is a big pyramid scheme of derivation, and LAWS and FACTS that are objective govern the universe.
Then, one day (well... series of days. Or years.) some physicists realized that classical physics did not really explain uncertainty principles and all the weirdness that is sub atomic particles. However, when they took the view that atoms ( which make up everything) exist at several states, AT THE SAME TIME and then collapse into a certain state or another, everything was magical and worked out.
As everything was magical and quantum physics was okey-dokey for practical applications, people decided not to think of the implications. Implications are scary.
BUT, some people* will stare the universe and go, "Why is this the case? What is going on? WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS?" The other physics people did not like these people. They wanted to USE the quantum physics (without even buying dinner first) but keep the LAWS given by Classical Physics.
Because you know what? Something has to collapse the atoms into one state or another and, as far as we can tell, observation is what does this. To make things even weirder, observation seems to act ACROSS TIME. We can also set up an experiment to show what we want to see. This means that I can set up an experiment to see light as a wave. I will then observe light to be a wave. My observation will reach BACKWARDS across time and space, making it so that the light I was observing was always a wave.
But who can make observations? Some physicists say machines can. But many insist that only a conscious observer (a human) can make the observations.
This means that human consciousness is what collapses atoms into a certain state, and reaches backwards across time so that they were always in this certain state. Atoms make up everything. This implies that consciousness, NOT THE LAWS given to us by classical physics is what creates the universe.
Now can you see the issue? This puts humans at the center of the universe again. Everything exists and has existed as it does due to our observation of it. Without the conscious observation of us humans, everything exists in multiple uncollapsed states. Instead of facts and laws being at the base of the pyramid, we have consciousness.
OMG. This is amazing! This means that the dinosaurs existed because I made them exist! My conscious observation collapsed the atoms that made up their skeletons into skeletons and reached BACKWARDS ACROSS TIME to create them! I am the queen of the velociraptors and all other dinosaurs!
I hope that you are all thoroughly confused by my immature treatment of this perplexing and awesome puzzle and will read the book I mentioned at the beginning of the blog post to get more clarification! I promise to not try to be educational again for at least another five posts.
ModernHelen
* I am one of those people. That is why I will be a philosopher. A philosopher's job is to stare the universe until something stares back. Or until he is killed by the Athenians. Whatever happens first.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
In Honor of Harry Potter
For those of you who have been living under a rock in a cave, HARRY POTTER OPENS AT MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!! Harry Potter is the bestest children's series in the history of the planet earth. I am sorry, but it beats the Chronicles of Narnia in my book.
Anyways, I am pretty much doing this blog post to tell the world how awesome Harry Potter is. This post is my tribute to Harry Potter. I am sure that you all think I am strange, but there are much stranger ways to have fandom tributes.
For example, there is fanfiction.net, wherein fans can take some characters and/or plots of that genius J.K. Rowling and write all kinds of insane stories. This got me thinking: just how crazy are people when it comes to honoring Harry Potter? I know that many of my friends are going to dress in wizard robes, speak in fancy-pants British voices, and possibly engage in mimed and bitter duels in honor of their respective houses (Ravenclaw is the best. Just sayin').
I trolled the Internet for a while, and here are some of the things that I found:
You know that you want these shoes. They were handpainted. What a labor of love! What a tribute to Harry Potter! I'm not sure I'd like walking around with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named on my foot though. Thank you to the Cheeseburger Network for providing this lovely image.
Also, I found eighty million videos of people pretending to be wizards, including one that took place in a train station, with someone pretending to be Voldemort mock torturing some poor bastard for information.
Is public mock torture by use of an unforgivable curse legal?
At least one woman looked really confused and frightened. She may not have heard of Harry Potter. Or, she may have heard too much of Harry Potter, and concluded that it is ALL REAL. And the Dark Lord was REALLY TORTURING that guy.
I also read about a crazy Japanese fan touching and smelling Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint.
You know, I am a super fan of Harry Potter, but these people seem a bit strange to me...
Everyone MUST SEE the movie within the next week, or I will find you.
ModernHelen
ps: A shout out to Nurse Buttons because he shamelessly begged me for a shout out.
pps: We had a commercial shoot in our dorm lobby today. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this blog, but I thought that it was interesting and I wanted to share.
Anyways, I am pretty much doing this blog post to tell the world how awesome Harry Potter is. This post is my tribute to Harry Potter. I am sure that you all think I am strange, but there are much stranger ways to have fandom tributes.
For example, there is fanfiction.net, wherein fans can take some characters and/or plots of that genius J.K. Rowling and write all kinds of insane stories. This got me thinking: just how crazy are people when it comes to honoring Harry Potter? I know that many of my friends are going to dress in wizard robes, speak in fancy-pants British voices, and possibly engage in mimed and bitter duels in honor of their respective houses (Ravenclaw is the best. Just sayin').
I trolled the Internet for a while, and here are some of the things that I found:
You know that you want these shoes. They were handpainted. What a labor of love! What a tribute to Harry Potter! I'm not sure I'd like walking around with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named on my foot though. Thank you to the Cheeseburger Network for providing this lovely image.
Also, I found eighty million videos of people pretending to be wizards, including one that took place in a train station, with someone pretending to be Voldemort mock torturing some poor bastard for information.
Is public mock torture by use of an unforgivable curse legal?
At least one woman looked really confused and frightened. She may not have heard of Harry Potter. Or, she may have heard too much of Harry Potter, and concluded that it is ALL REAL. And the Dark Lord was REALLY TORTURING that guy.
I also read about a crazy Japanese fan touching and smelling Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint.
You know, I am a super fan of Harry Potter, but these people seem a bit strange to me...
Everyone MUST SEE the movie within the next week, or I will find you.
ModernHelen
ps: A shout out to Nurse Buttons because he shamelessly begged me for a shout out.
pps: We had a commercial shoot in our dorm lobby today. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this blog, but I thought that it was interesting and I wanted to share.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Things my brain has decided really happened but actually didn't
We are all imperfect. And even though are brains are pretty sweet, they do make dumb mistakes. We actually rewrite memories based on new events in our lives or new emotions/drama, so what we remember now, or what actually happened, may not be what we remember 20 years from now.
For example, I may remember that I was "about 5'4'' with long straight golden blonde hair and weighed 98 pounds", but that is not actually me; that is Nicole Richie circa two years ago according to the tabloid magazine I saw in a check out line one day.
OR IS IT? Maybe my brain rewrote that memory too!!!
Anyways, here in fun fun list form are some of the things that DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN but did according to my brain:
1. At the end of Harry Potter, Luna and Neville got married and had four children and Neville became the headmaster of Hogwarts.
-I was very confused when I read the 7th book for the second time and this didn't actually happen. It is likely that Fanfiction is to blame.
2. There is an animated version of the Phantom of the Opera made by Disney.
-I think that this was a dream that I had that I decided was REAL LIFE.
-Besides, this would not make a good Disney movie. It has too much kidnapping and men with long girly hair.
3. I have ten pairs of boots in my closet.
-Sadly I only have eight. Thank you Grandma!
4. I have a picture of myself dressed up as an enchanted flower vase for the musical Beauty and the Beast on my phone.
-I was in this musical and I was an enchanted flower vase but no such picture exists. I have looked for it four times. It still doesn't exist.
5. I was awesome at writing lab reports in AP Bio.
-I actually never got a full A on any of those lab reports though I came pretty close a few times.
6. There is candy. I know you have some. It is for me.
-Not everyone in the world has candy and it is not all for me. But I am still suspicious that there is candy SOMEWHERE and you will give it to me. Or else.
-I am aware that I have a sugar problem.
7. I own a dark purple dress with silver beads on it.
-I do not know where this delusion came from, but it was so pronounced that I didn't believe it when I found no such dress in my closet. I think I might have combined two dresses I actually owned into one kick ass silver-purple dress of awesomeness.
8. In Hannibal (the movie) Clarice throws a pair of shoes at Hannibal.
-I was really excited to see Clarice throw shoes at Anthony Hopkin's stupid face. But, IT NEVER HAPPENED.
9. I all ready posted this post.
-As you can clearly see by the fact that it was not posted before this time, this is not the case.
OR IS IT?
ModernHelen
ps: A quick shout out to all of my blogstalkers (you know who you are) and a hearty handshake to my new followers!
For example, I may remember that I was "about 5'4'' with long straight golden blonde hair and weighed 98 pounds", but that is not actually me; that is Nicole Richie circa two years ago according to the tabloid magazine I saw in a check out line one day.
OR IS IT? Maybe my brain rewrote that memory too!!!
Anyways, here in fun fun list form are some of the things that DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN but did according to my brain:
1. At the end of Harry Potter, Luna and Neville got married and had four children and Neville became the headmaster of Hogwarts.
-I was very confused when I read the 7th book for the second time and this didn't actually happen. It is likely that Fanfiction is to blame.
2. There is an animated version of the Phantom of the Opera made by Disney.
-I think that this was a dream that I had that I decided was REAL LIFE.
-Besides, this would not make a good Disney movie. It has too much kidnapping and men with long girly hair.
3. I have ten pairs of boots in my closet.
-Sadly I only have eight. Thank you Grandma!
4. I have a picture of myself dressed up as an enchanted flower vase for the musical Beauty and the Beast on my phone.
-I was in this musical and I was an enchanted flower vase but no such picture exists. I have looked for it four times. It still doesn't exist.
5. I was awesome at writing lab reports in AP Bio.
-I actually never got a full A on any of those lab reports though I came pretty close a few times.
6. There is candy. I know you have some. It is for me.
-Not everyone in the world has candy and it is not all for me. But I am still suspicious that there is candy SOMEWHERE and you will give it to me. Or else.
-I am aware that I have a sugar problem.
7. I own a dark purple dress with silver beads on it.
-I do not know where this delusion came from, but it was so pronounced that I didn't believe it when I found no such dress in my closet. I think I might have combined two dresses I actually owned into one kick ass silver-purple dress of awesomeness.
8. In Hannibal (the movie) Clarice throws a pair of shoes at Hannibal.
-I was really excited to see Clarice throw shoes at Anthony Hopkin's stupid face. But, IT NEVER HAPPENED.
9. I all ready posted this post.
-As you can clearly see by the fact that it was not posted before this time, this is not the case.
OR IS IT?
ModernHelen
ps: A quick shout out to all of my blogstalkers (you know who you are) and a hearty handshake to my new followers!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
How to know if you should publish your book
Lots of people have questions about publishing books, short stories, etc. So, how do you know that something which you have written has any literary worth and should be published? Because my slightly obsessive compulsive nature loves lists, I have compiled one to aid you all.
1. Are there vampires?
If there are, you should not publish this.
2. Are there werewolves?
See number one.
3. Are any of the characters named Bella, Jacob, or Edward?
These names have been ruined forever. Change the names of your characters before considering publication.
4. Is there an epic moral lesson?
The moral lesson probably is not as epic and deep as you think it is. Focus more on how you present the themes of the book than on having deep dramatic overarching themes.
5. Is there romance?
Please don't write about TRUE LOVE unless you feel as if you have experienced it. (Note: watching Disney movies does not count).
6. How long is this book anyway??
While some authors are...prolific... in their words and create never ending sagas set in foreign lands and past/future times, most people lose interest after 400 pages. PLEASE STOP if you find yourself pushing the 1000 page mark because their is absolutely no novel in the history of earth that should be this long. If you reach 2000 pages I cannot help you.
7. SO... Srayehe and mnepooopop are going to the mystical world of Hejenekj with a Poemkme?
If it looks like these names are random letters it is because they are. Please DO NOT make up names unless you have some sort of comic genius or you are Tolkien. If there are hyphens, apostrophes, or other bizarre symbols in your characters' names I WILL find you.
8. Is it in the second person?
NO SECOND PERSON unless you are trying to revamp the Choose you own Adventure books.
9. Is it in dramatic or angsty verse?
Please. We all were teenagers (I am still a teenager actually...) and we have all read enough of our own dramatic and angst poetry without reading yours. Unless you are writing the next Beowulf please refrain.
10. You told me there would be three books! Why are there seven?!?!?
Please don't do the never ending series thing just so you can keep milking your success.
If you have followed all of these guidelines, Congratulations!
Now, you just have to make sure that your story is interesting, well written, well edited, and not a thinly veiled political statement!
Actually, if you ignore these last tips, you might have a hit on your hands...
ModernHelen
1. Are there vampires?
If there are, you should not publish this.
2. Are there werewolves?
See number one.
3. Are any of the characters named Bella, Jacob, or Edward?
These names have been ruined forever. Change the names of your characters before considering publication.
4. Is there an epic moral lesson?
The moral lesson probably is not as epic and deep as you think it is. Focus more on how you present the themes of the book than on having deep dramatic overarching themes.
5. Is there romance?
Please don't write about TRUE LOVE unless you feel as if you have experienced it. (Note: watching Disney movies does not count).
6. How long is this book anyway??
While some authors are...prolific... in their words and create never ending sagas set in foreign lands and past/future times, most people lose interest after 400 pages. PLEASE STOP if you find yourself pushing the 1000 page mark because their is absolutely no novel in the history of earth that should be this long. If you reach 2000 pages I cannot help you.
7. SO... Srayehe and mnepooopop are going to the mystical world of Hejenekj with a Poemkme?
If it looks like these names are random letters it is because they are. Please DO NOT make up names unless you have some sort of comic genius or you are Tolkien. If there are hyphens, apostrophes, or other bizarre symbols in your characters' names I WILL find you.
8. Is it in the second person?
NO SECOND PERSON unless you are trying to revamp the Choose you own Adventure books.
9. Is it in dramatic or angsty verse?
Please. We all were teenagers (I am still a teenager actually...) and we have all read enough of our own dramatic and angst poetry without reading yours. Unless you are writing the next Beowulf please refrain.
10. You told me there would be three books! Why are there seven?!?!?
Please don't do the never ending series thing just so you can keep milking your success.
If you have followed all of these guidelines, Congratulations!
Now, you just have to make sure that your story is interesting, well written, well edited, and not a thinly veiled political statement!
Actually, if you ignore these last tips, you might have a hit on your hands...
ModernHelen
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Helen's Horrible Day of Horror
Today was the worst day I have had since the last time I had the worst day that I have had.
First of all, the evil Vertebrate Physiology Test of DOOM, which I LITERALLY studied fifteen hours for totally kicked my rear. I didn't get the test back, but I can feel my horrible failure in my soul. Thank Jesus I am switching to the Humanities.
Philosophy doesn't care about the innervation of muscle and the excitation-contraction; it cares about the SOUL. Because you know what? The soul innervates THE ENTIRE BODY. That is how freaking awesome it is.
Anyways, after that failure, I was basically miserable. I wrote some of my philosophy paper and that cheered me up. Then, I read about stoicism, and I was like: I'm gonna be a stoic! Yeah! Then, I started crying, and blaming the planet for everything, so I think I pretty much failed at stoicism...
Then, after the inner peace that was philosophy class, I collapsed into a ball of grief and shame. Then I had Subway.
Then I went to get my choir dress, but I REALLY failed at that, because it didn't occur to me that just because Ashley couldn't drive me to the cleaners to pick it up didn't mean one of my other friends and/or acquaintances couldn't have. So, I walked to the Cleaners, and it was like half a mile and the street was busy. At least it wasn't dark.
I was actually starting to feel at peace, causing walking is good for you, but then this complete stranger was like "Nice evening for a walk, isn't it?" Which was probably meant very innocently, but it freaked me out, and I kept looking over my shoulder for the entire walk back because he had a beard, and in Helen's world:
Beard = Creepy.
I know it is wrong and stereotyping, but I just cannot help it.
Then, I saw this adorable puppy, but it barked at me, and made me feel like a mean evil person.
Now, I have to go finish a lab write-up, a lab report, and two papers. I hope you all enjoyed reading about my failure.
ModernHelen
First of all, the evil Vertebrate Physiology Test of DOOM, which I LITERALLY studied fifteen hours for totally kicked my rear. I didn't get the test back, but I can feel my horrible failure in my soul. Thank Jesus I am switching to the Humanities.
Philosophy doesn't care about the innervation of muscle and the excitation-contraction; it cares about the SOUL. Because you know what? The soul innervates THE ENTIRE BODY. That is how freaking awesome it is.
Anyways, after that failure, I was basically miserable. I wrote some of my philosophy paper and that cheered me up. Then, I read about stoicism, and I was like: I'm gonna be a stoic! Yeah! Then, I started crying, and blaming the planet for everything, so I think I pretty much failed at stoicism...
Then, after the inner peace that was philosophy class, I collapsed into a ball of grief and shame. Then I had Subway.
Then I went to get my choir dress, but I REALLY failed at that, because it didn't occur to me that just because Ashley couldn't drive me to the cleaners to pick it up didn't mean one of my other friends and/or acquaintances couldn't have. So, I walked to the Cleaners, and it was like half a mile and the street was busy. At least it wasn't dark.
I was actually starting to feel at peace, causing walking is good for you, but then this complete stranger was like "Nice evening for a walk, isn't it?" Which was probably meant very innocently, but it freaked me out, and I kept looking over my shoulder for the entire walk back because he had a beard, and in Helen's world:
Beard = Creepy.
I know it is wrong and stereotyping, but I just cannot help it.
Then, I saw this adorable puppy, but it barked at me, and made me feel like a mean evil person.
Now, I have to go finish a lab write-up, a lab report, and two papers. I hope you all enjoyed reading about my failure.
ModernHelen
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Bumper Stickers
I think that bumper stickers are okay. How else can you advertise all of your beliefs and opinions to complete strangers? Personally, I am afraid to get bumper stickers. What if someone decides to rear end you and/or set your car on fire because they disagree with the witty phrase that is adhesively attached to your vehicle? But with my luck, I imagine that it might go like this:
Me: I love this bumper sticker! How could anyone not love this "Baby Dolphins are Cute" bumper sticker? I'm going to put it on my car and drive around so that everyone can see how much I love helpless baby aquatic mammals!
The One Crazy Guy on the WHOLE PLANET who hates baby dolphins: That woman has a bumper sticker that says she likes baby dolphins?!!?!? I eat baby dolphins for breakfast! Baby dolphins killed my family with their unbearable cuteness! I'm going to rear end her and/or set her car on fire!
So, you see how even the most innocuous things can lead to your car being set on fire.
With this in mind, I have to wonder about the wisdom of putting more than one bumpersicker, or a few at the very most, on the back of your car. First of all, it looks tacky and screams "I am either still in college or am pretending that I am!" Second of all, with each sticker you add, you increase the risk of someone wanting to set your car on fire:
Me: I'm going to put this "Giraffes are Nifty" sticker next to my "Baby Dolphins are Cute" sticker.
The One Crazy Guy on the WHOLE PLANET who hates baby dolphins: I WILL DESTROY HER CAR!
The One Crazy Guy who takes his lack of happiness out on giraffes: Giraffes are not nifty! I must teach her a lesson!
So... now there are two people who want to set my car on fire!!!
I guess I should think twice about adding that "The Duck Billed Platypus is Wicked Cool" bumper sticker:
Crazy guy who hates the duck billed platypus: How can it be wicked cool?? It isn't a reptile or a mammal! It needs to make up its damn mind!!!!
So, just keep the bumper sticker madness to a minimum people.
ModernHelen
Me: I love this bumper sticker! How could anyone not love this "Baby Dolphins are Cute" bumper sticker? I'm going to put it on my car and drive around so that everyone can see how much I love helpless baby aquatic mammals!
The One Crazy Guy on the WHOLE PLANET who hates baby dolphins: That woman has a bumper sticker that says she likes baby dolphins?!!?!? I eat baby dolphins for breakfast! Baby dolphins killed my family with their unbearable cuteness! I'm going to rear end her and/or set her car on fire!
So, you see how even the most innocuous things can lead to your car being set on fire.
With this in mind, I have to wonder about the wisdom of putting more than one bumpersicker, or a few at the very most, on the back of your car. First of all, it looks tacky and screams "I am either still in college or am pretending that I am!" Second of all, with each sticker you add, you increase the risk of someone wanting to set your car on fire:
Me: I'm going to put this "Giraffes are Nifty" sticker next to my "Baby Dolphins are Cute" sticker.
The One Crazy Guy on the WHOLE PLANET who hates baby dolphins: I WILL DESTROY HER CAR!
The One Crazy Guy who takes his lack of happiness out on giraffes: Giraffes are not nifty! I must teach her a lesson!
So... now there are two people who want to set my car on fire!!!
I guess I should think twice about adding that "The Duck Billed Platypus is Wicked Cool" bumper sticker:
Crazy guy who hates the duck billed platypus: How can it be wicked cool?? It isn't a reptile or a mammal! It needs to make up its damn mind!!!!
So, just keep the bumper sticker madness to a minimum people.
ModernHelen
Saturday, November 6, 2010
This is amazing
Plus, it makes a true point about government, which I am not a fan of at the moment.
ModernHelen
Friday, November 5, 2010
My Philosophy Teacher
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Life has been beating me with a spork, which is to say I am puzzled and confused, and don't know exactly what I am doing or what is happening...
I have decided that my philosophy teacher is awesome enough to get his own blog post.
Remember how I said that I seem to be magically trustworthy in the minds of teachers? And how I was responsible for making sure that no one left his seat while my teacher went to get his notes? Well, here is another interesting conversation that happened in philosophy
Teacherman: I am keeping you all a little late so that we can get through this. No one has class after two on a friday.
Randomkid: I do!
Teacherman: What?
Randomkid: I have a lab!
Teacherman: No you don't.
Randomkid: Um... yes I do?
Teacherman: You're lying to me.
Soccergirl: He does have class. I have class too! We have classes in the same building.
Teacherman: What?
Soccergirl: I have French at two.
Teacherman: I don't believe either of you. Its all a conspiracy. Helen!
Me: Huh?
Teacherman: Walk over there with them and call me if they are lying.
Me: *Deer in the headlights look*
I did not actually walk over there but it was still a scary moment. Why do I seem to be so trustworthy? I have these slightly slanted elfish eyes; I look slightly tricksy if anything!
Teacherman also likes to make sure that we are all at every class, so he takes attendance...
Teacherman (to one kid): Where is your friend?
Onekid: Uh... he should be here...
Teacherman: I am tired of him coming in late.
Onekid: What, do you want me to call him?
Teacherman:Yes.
Onekid: Um? Okay... (calls friend) Hey... Where are you? (To teacherman).
Teacherman: Give me that (takes phone). Where are you?... Sleeping?... It's after one!... Be here in five minutes (Hangs up phone).
ANYWAYS, today my awesome grandfather sent me about six pounds of chocolate. I think he is trying to get me to gain weight. I gave out chocolate to some of the kids in my philosophy class in a moment of kind-heartedness (and a desperate desire to get rid of some of it before it went straight to my thighs). My philosophy teacher saw the giant package with the chocolate in it.
Teacherman: What's in that?
Me: Chocolate! My grandfather sent it to me!
Teacherman: All chocolate?
Me: Yeah! Would you like a piece?
Teacherman: Your grandfather must love you.
Yep. Chocolate is a proof of my grandfather's love for me as much as coffee is a proof of God's existance.
Here are some other things teacherman has said:
"Don't use that excuse. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday."
"I don't mean to anthropomorphize dogs. Though my yellow lab is loquacious around people whereas the chocolate lab seems a bit more taciturn..."
"I am sure that it is not nothing, which is to say that it is something"
"It would still be Snoopy, albeit a purple Snoopy"
"One of my wife's and my guilty pleasures... not that guilty or that pleasurable...."
Basically, I have a blast in this class. He uses REALLY BIG WORDS but I feel like I am understanding them, which is nice. I also get a sense that he thinks some/all of us are crazy. Though, with some of the questions thrown at him (eg: "Why do we have to think of all these thought experiments?" "Why couldn't he have said that thing that he said the way that you said it?" "When are you going to bring us raisin bread?") I am not surprised.
modernHelen
ps: This was a fun post! I think that I will do some more about my other teachers. Nothing mean; I really like all of my teachers!
I have decided that my philosophy teacher is awesome enough to get his own blog post.
Remember how I said that I seem to be magically trustworthy in the minds of teachers? And how I was responsible for making sure that no one left his seat while my teacher went to get his notes? Well, here is another interesting conversation that happened in philosophy
Teacherman: I am keeping you all a little late so that we can get through this. No one has class after two on a friday.
Randomkid: I do!
Teacherman: What?
Randomkid: I have a lab!
Teacherman: No you don't.
Randomkid: Um... yes I do?
Teacherman: You're lying to me.
Soccergirl: He does have class. I have class too! We have classes in the same building.
Teacherman: What?
Soccergirl: I have French at two.
Teacherman: I don't believe either of you. Its all a conspiracy. Helen!
Me: Huh?
Teacherman: Walk over there with them and call me if they are lying.
Me: *Deer in the headlights look*
I did not actually walk over there but it was still a scary moment. Why do I seem to be so trustworthy? I have these slightly slanted elfish eyes; I look slightly tricksy if anything!
Teacherman also likes to make sure that we are all at every class, so he takes attendance...
Teacherman (to one kid): Where is your friend?
Onekid: Uh... he should be here...
Teacherman: I am tired of him coming in late.
Onekid: What, do you want me to call him?
Teacherman:Yes.
Onekid: Um? Okay... (calls friend) Hey... Where are you? (To teacherman).
Teacherman: Give me that (takes phone). Where are you?... Sleeping?... It's after one!... Be here in five minutes (Hangs up phone).
ANYWAYS, today my awesome grandfather sent me about six pounds of chocolate. I think he is trying to get me to gain weight. I gave out chocolate to some of the kids in my philosophy class in a moment of kind-heartedness (and a desperate desire to get rid of some of it before it went straight to my thighs). My philosophy teacher saw the giant package with the chocolate in it.
Teacherman: What's in that?
Me: Chocolate! My grandfather sent it to me!
Teacherman: All chocolate?
Me: Yeah! Would you like a piece?
Teacherman: Your grandfather must love you.
Yep. Chocolate is a proof of my grandfather's love for me as much as coffee is a proof of God's existance.
Here are some other things teacherman has said:
"Don't use that excuse. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday."
"I don't mean to anthropomorphize dogs. Though my yellow lab is loquacious around people whereas the chocolate lab seems a bit more taciturn..."
"I am sure that it is not nothing, which is to say that it is something"
"It would still be Snoopy, albeit a purple Snoopy"
"One of my wife's and my guilty pleasures... not that guilty or that pleasurable...."
Basically, I have a blast in this class. He uses REALLY BIG WORDS but I feel like I am understanding them, which is nice. I also get a sense that he thinks some/all of us are crazy. Though, with some of the questions thrown at him (eg: "Why do we have to think of all these thought experiments?" "Why couldn't he have said that thing that he said the way that you said it?" "When are you going to bring us raisin bread?") I am not surprised.
modernHelen
ps: This was a fun post! I think that I will do some more about my other teachers. Nothing mean; I really like all of my teachers!
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