Helen's Catholic Adventure

So, I decided to go with Raye, Bethany, Clare, and Emily to Catholic Easter Vigil on this, the day before Easter. A few things that I did not know about Catholic Easter Vigil:

1) It is over three hours long
2) Incense is not a happy thing for your throat

So, things started going strangely wrong from the very beginning. First we got into an argument about whether unbaptized babies can ever get out of limbo, and what kind of place limbo is anyway. We got to Church early and within the first few minutes I had idly remarked about how your hands can supposedly tell you how many children you are going to have (1 for me).

Me: You're going to have three children!
Raye: Dammit!
Emily: Swearing in Church!
Bethany: Swearing and witchcraft! You're going to hell!

Meanwhile, Bethany was drilling Clare (the only one of us who was actually Catholic) on all things Catholic. She began to come up with some increasingly complex and interesting hypothetical situations centering around the concept in the Catholic Church that only men can be priests.

Finally we reached this zenith:

Bethany: If I marry a bi man and then I have a sex change surgery and become a man can I still be a priest in the Catholic Church?
Clare: I don't think so...
All: *semi crazy laughter*

Following that I proceeded to be a very clumsy person. I almost dropped my hymn book thing (we had these programs and these bulletins but half of the stuff that was happening was not really in either because most of these people were Catholic and had been Catholic for a long period of time and they had everything memorized). Then I dropped my candle (it was a quasi-candlelight vigil) on the ground and Bethany was all like: "You're going to hell!" and I started giggling a little hysterically because her face was scary and serious for about two seconds.

Then ninety million people were baptized, confirmed, or re-baptized or something... I don't really know. It took at least an hour for everything to happen. Meanwhile, Raye is starting to suffer from allergies and hives because of the incense (which reminded me of pine trees after a while... I'm not sure exactly what was in the incense). There was the most adorable Asian boy ever in front of us who kept grabbing his mother's face and staring at us and generally being a nuisance. I would have been SO MUCH WORSE than that boy at his age in a mass that lasted for three hours.

Okay, before I continue please let me stress that I am not in any way demonic.

Right. So, the priests were coming down the aisle and sprinkling holy water...

Helen's Body: Holy Something!! What was that?!? I'm under attack!! Better shake like a horse trying to dislodge a pesky fly!! *proceeds to shudder violently*
Bethany: Calm down!
Me: *chagrined and sad face because she has vague feelings that the people behind her probably think that she is some kind of demon*

I have sensory integration issues! That's all!

Then we knelt for the first time and my pantyhose apparently had little to no surface friction against the weird plastic stuff that the kneeling thing was made of so I slipped and fell to the floor. And Raye and Bethany laughed at me (quietly) and Raye patted me on the shoulder.

If that wasn't bad enough, I wasn't really thinking about appropriate things while I was kneeling. I kept drawing mythological analysis of what was happening in the Church (the chanting, the incense, etc.) and thinking about Freud. And what Freud would say. And Freud doesn't really say very much that is appropriate...

I did not take the Eucharist because I am not Catholic and the Bishop was giving it and I did not want to be a liar to the Bishop.

We left really really quickly after the service because Emily had to pee. But, as I was quickly sidling out the door and hoping that the people behind me weren't glaring at me and thinking that I was demon spawn, Bethany grabbed me:

Bethany: (in a hissed whisper) It's the Bishop!
Helen: *cautiously approaches Bishop and shakes his hand*
Bishop: Bless you.
Helen: *mumbles incoherently*
*All walk outside*
Bethany: We just shook the Bishop's hand! We're not going to purgatory! We're going straight to heaven!
Helen: Hey! He knows the Pope right?
Clare: Probably...
Helen: WERE ONE DEGREE OF SEPARATION FROM THE POPE
Bethany: And the Pope is one degree from St. Peter...
Helen: Because degrees of separation can go backwards in time... and Peter is one degree from Jesus...
Bethany: THREE DEGREES FROM JESUS!!


And that my friends is my Catholic Adventure...

ModernHelen

Dancing Velociraptors

Tomorrow is national velociraptor day! According to some source... I don't actually know where I got the information but I have it written on my calendar and everything so it must be real.

Last night was a bit insane. I was singing in the chorus of the fourth movement of Beethoven's ninth symphony and it was going really well. Afterwards, I was swept up in the wave of spontaneity by Victoria. Thank you Victoria for helping me overcome my control freakness.

Me: Where are we going?

Victoria: I don't know.

Me: Are we going to IHOP? We don't know where it is! Where is it?

Victoria: I don't know.

Me: We don't have a plan!

Victoria: It will be okay Helen. I am helping you be more spontaneous.

Me: But whenever I'm spontaneous bad things happen!

Then we ate spontaneous tacos and spontaneously went to a hipster coffee place. I'm so glad that I finally found a place where things are happening late at night in this city! Downtown is dead unless you go to the bars.

Then I came back and acted like a totally drunk person even though I wasn't because I was apparently high on spontaneity and even though I am in college and it was only one in the morning on a Saturday night that is apparently too late for my crazy brain. Ashley and I sang some really hilarious lyrics to songs. They were good too but I've forgotten what they were. Then we decided we REALLY NEEDED TO GO TO BED because there were giant giant piles of homework to do in the morning and my craziness was contagious. So we turned off the lights.

Then suddenly, cutting through the darkness, Ashley's voice:

Ashley: DANCING VELOCIRAPTORS!

Me: OMG!! REMEMBER THAT IN THE MORNING!!

And we DID remember about the dancing velociraptors and guess what? If you type that into youtube you get a giant pile of clips of dancing velociraptors. I am not kidding. Some people have a fairly impressive grasp of animation technology and too much time on their hands.

So, here are some velociraptor links for you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1eeWVrMrxw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H83NFs6n7Q4&feature=related

And here's one that doesn't make any sense and is vaguely off...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_ckIY6ytu0&feature=related

And here's an old dude ranting about the inaccuracies of Jurassic Park!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtCFqitzenI


Happy velociraptor day readers! Remember that I am their queen. If they ever attack you just let them know that you know me and you will be cool.

ModernHelen

ps: I FINALLY DISCOVERED HOW TO LINK!!! It was ridiculously easy...

Things that I want to Exist

I would like to announce a few things. I have decided that in the summer I will create another blog under the same account. It will be an educational blog in which I educate all of you people about whatever I find interesting this summer. If you don't like being edumacated, this blog will still be around being all LAME and SILLY.

Also, I am going to go back to do multiple posts a week when summer starts and I have time again. *Listens to the sound of the cheering adoring fans*.

Finally, I wanted to announce that I have a tumblr account. The user name is also modernhelen, so you can follow me there if you want. There is occasionally going to be an overlap in info from these two accounts. But be warned. If you are a creepy stalker person then I will totally block you.

I have been thinking about things lately. Specifically, I have been thinking about things that I want to exist. Enjoy my list.

1. Chairs, benches, and various other furniture items that do not destroy my back when I sit on them. I am a short person and apparently short people are not allowed to be comfortable which is prejudice. My conclusion is that furniture manufacturers are prejudice and I should probably sick the Government of America on them.

2. A wristband that makes warning sounds when you are around dangerous people so that you have time to run away before they throw you into their kidnapper van and drive away. Unfortunately, this would not work very well at college because we are all very young, crazy, and immature. Therefore, we are all dangerous.

3. A toaster that is legal for dorm use. I think that toasters should be designed so that they do not have the potential hazard of exploding* and therefore destroying the entire dorm and killing people. NASA should get on that. It's not like they have anything better to do.

4. Motorcycles that you don't die on. Seriously. Can't we make less deadly motorcycles?

5. Pants that fit me. I am so tired of pants not fitting me. I am also tired of shirts not fitting me. Apparently if you are short you can either be: a) completely flat and curve-less or b) fat. You are not allowed to be a curvy short person. You know what clothing people? Why don't you take it up with God! I EXIST AND I WANT SOME DAMN PANTS!

6. Hair dye that dyed your hair as the roots came in. How great would this be?

7. Magic. I want it. I am tired of living like a muggle. I am a Ravenclaw on the inside, and I want science to give me magical powers. Also, if I had magic powers I could magic my clothes clean and I wouldn't have to deal with the washers and dryers that are destroying my clothing.

And if anyone can somehow procure an item on this list for me I will give him... well, I actually don't have anything right now besides miniature Milkyway bars and coffee, but he can have some of that.
Unless he's a stalker. BEWARE Internet stalkers. I am about 50% more deadly than I look.

ModernHelen

ps: there will be a blog about stingrays soon!!! I can't decide whether to put it on this blog or on the educational blog thing. I will probably draw cartoon stingrays and then put it on BOTH like a BOSS.

*I am aware that toasters do not typically explode. This is for he sake of DRAMA.

It's My Flipping Birthday!

Hey people! I am officially OLD. I will not tell you how old because you might use that information to track me down and kill me horribly.

My real birthday celebration was yesterday, so today was a bit of a let down. Yesterday there was happy-hour sushi goodness, and today I had to write a paper.

Actually, I am not convinced that this next year is going to go well. It did not have a very fortuitous beginning. And, true to how my brain operates, I am going to give you a list of reasons why this was not a fortuitous day and my next year is going to full of sadness and despair.

1. My traitorous friends composed a story in which I DIED.

2. At midnight, they all sang Happy Birthday and it was very very out of tune. I mean, whenever a non-choir group of people sings happy birthday, it tends to be out of tune. But this was much more eerily out of tune than usual.

3. This morning, approximately an hour after the time at which I officially made my screaming entrance into this world, I spilled milk spectacularly on the carpet. The dorm does not have carpet cleaner for some unknown reason. I would have thought that all the partiers might need it to clean up the spoils of last night's drunken fest, but apparently not. So, I had to use soap and furious scrubbing and dabbing (yes, dabbing can be furious) to try to get the stuff up. And, because I am paranoid, I used three different kinds of soap and scrubbed at the same carpet spot for about thirty minutes throughout the day. If the carpet smells like rotten milk I may cry.

4. Hey! As I was typing it occurred to me that this event could be considered an offering, a libation if you will, to the ancient pagan gods and the ghosts of the dead. Granted, they usually prefer beer, wine, or blood, but I think that milk is probably acceptable. It is delicious. So, maybe I have in fact gained awesomeness, and number three does not count as a bad sign. So, back to:

3(the real one). I slammed by hand into my bedpost creating a bruise in the exact place that hosted a bruise just days ago. I honestly cannot seem to stop hurting my poor defenseless hands.

4. I had to write a freaking paper! Granted, once I stopped stewing in the fact that I had to write the thing it only took and hour and a half to compose and edit. But the principle of the thing!

5. I ate too much sugar today. This made me into a paranoid person who believed that several people and things were out to get me. I felt isolated and alone in the world...

6. The media library closed a measly two minutes before I managed to get there. CURSES!

7. The caf served disgusting food for dinner, so I am probably going to have more sugar....

8. Then I will not sleep and the disaster foretold by the inauspicious events that occurred today will come to pass as I rise, as one of the living dead, seeking caffeine, visual stimulation, and showers.

ModernHelen