Alright, here is some back-story for you dearest dearest readers of mine. I freaking love the Sci-Fi channel. I love the very idea of the Sci-Fi channel. It connects me with nerds everywhere. I like some of the original series of the Sci-Fi channel (not all of them). I like the series and the movies that they somehow manage to steal and broadcast to nerds everywhere.
But more than all these things, I enjoy the original Sci-Fi channel movies. They are crazy movies with low budget, crappy special effects, bad dialogue, and washed up actors whose careers as legitimate serious actors have either already ended or about to end as a direct result of the movie that they are staring in. Some of these beautiful movies include plots such as: a Native American spirit man accidentally makes dinosaur skeletons (not dinosaurs. Just their moving skeletons...) come to life and they eat people; dumb people open a box that clearly should not be opened and an angry banshee tries to kill everybody; and, in a plot so dumb that it is beautiful, two washed up pop divas feed steroids to alligators and snakes leading to... Megapython vs. Gatoroid.
Watching the delightfully predictable carnage of these movies is a great source of fun for me. This leads me into my latest cunning plan whereby I become, in some way, shape, or form involved with the Sci-Fi original movies of complete awesomeness.
The plan has two forms:
1) I become an incredibly successful and well-received actress. Once I have established my place of fame, I promptly, and with much delight, destroy my promising career by staring in and producing approximately ninety-zillion* original Sci-Fi movies.
2) I write a movie script, submit it to Sci-Fi channel, and dance like the highly-evolved ape that I am when they decide to make it into a movie.
This is the more likely plan. I can actually write pretty well, and there isn't a huge emphasis on character development (other than the blatantly obvious cliche ploys), so I guess that my weaknesses there will not be too bad...
I plan on researching for this movie by watching... you guessed it... MORE original Sci-Fi movies until I have the formula down to a science. Then I will write a script and send it in, screaming of amateurishness, completely unsolicited and wait to see what happens.
This idea is so brilliant that I cannot be the first person to come up with it. Hopefully, they will actually look at my script, recognize its raw potential for awesomeness, and buy it for a tidy sum of money that will tide me over until the end of college.
IF YOU STEAL MY CUNNING PLAN I WILL ATTACK YOUR FACE WITH MY AWESOME NOT TO BE DISCLOSED MOVIE MONSTER!!!!
ModernHelen
* This is my favorite number
Sunday, March 27, 2011
New Post
There will be a new post later tonight!
Here is a bit of a teaser: It involves the Sci-Fi Channel and my latest (but certainly not last) cunning plan.
ModernHelen
Here is a bit of a teaser: It involves the Sci-Fi Channel and my latest (but certainly not last) cunning plan.
ModernHelen
Sunday, March 20, 2011
This could be very intriguing...
Dear College Course List:
Why do you hate me?? You have been posted on the internet for almost no time at all, but you are clearly intent on destroying my peace of mind and my ability to awesomely get a double major in English and Philosophy and a minor in Biology.
Why have you maliciously aligned yourself with Saturn, that foul and odious sign of disorder and chaos, with the sole purpose of scheduling all of my desired classes either at the same time or at terrible sad times of death??? Why am I probably going to be in class from 11 in the morning until 9 at night on Tuesdays WITH NO LUNCH BREAK. I mean, I will end up with eighty million papers and tests due on Tuesday! It will be not of the good!! AHHH!
Am I that abhorred? Is this the universe's way of telling me to pick one major?
Well, I refuse! I NEED to double major because otherwise I will feel as if I am not getting enough education. If only I didn't have to fit in the French... if only I could do more than 18 credit hours a semester... if only I was a super-human cyborg with the capacity to go go go non-stop for hours and hours at an end without stopping.
Maybe I just need more coffee....
Well, I need to get my head out of THE FUTURE and return to the present where I have two papers and a test that require my attention... I hope that this does not end up being a HORRIBLE failure of a plan. How lame would it be to have most of the credits for two majors but not enough credits for a single one? And I have to graduate in four years because my scholarship runs out and I cannot afford this school without scholarship....
Sincerely,
ModernHelen
PS: Everyone should read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is an amazing amazing work. The author beautifully blends depth with light-hearted playfulness. She writes with the kind of humor I would love to write with someday. Except, I probably won't because the only fiction I seem to be capable of writing is genre fiction, namely horror, which I'm sure says something about my psyche...
PPS: I am planning on updating the fun quotes next week, so hold your collective breaths in anticipation for that monumental occasion!
Why do you hate me?? You have been posted on the internet for almost no time at all, but you are clearly intent on destroying my peace of mind and my ability to awesomely get a double major in English and Philosophy and a minor in Biology.
Why have you maliciously aligned yourself with Saturn, that foul and odious sign of disorder and chaos, with the sole purpose of scheduling all of my desired classes either at the same time or at terrible sad times of death??? Why am I probably going to be in class from 11 in the morning until 9 at night on Tuesdays WITH NO LUNCH BREAK. I mean, I will end up with eighty million papers and tests due on Tuesday! It will be not of the good!! AHHH!
Am I that abhorred? Is this the universe's way of telling me to pick one major?
Well, I refuse! I NEED to double major because otherwise I will feel as if I am not getting enough education. If only I didn't have to fit in the French... if only I could do more than 18 credit hours a semester... if only I was a super-human cyborg with the capacity to go go go non-stop for hours and hours at an end without stopping.
Maybe I just need more coffee....
Well, I need to get my head out of THE FUTURE and return to the present where I have two papers and a test that require my attention... I hope that this does not end up being a HORRIBLE failure of a plan. How lame would it be to have most of the credits for two majors but not enough credits for a single one? And I have to graduate in four years because my scholarship runs out and I cannot afford this school without scholarship....
Sincerely,
ModernHelen
PS: Everyone should read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is an amazing amazing work. The author beautifully blends depth with light-hearted playfulness. She writes with the kind of humor I would love to write with someday. Except, I probably won't because the only fiction I seem to be capable of writing is genre fiction, namely horror, which I'm sure says something about my psyche...
PPS: I am planning on updating the fun quotes next week, so hold your collective breaths in anticipation for that monumental occasion!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Life
Last night I had an epiphany.
You may be tempted to shake my hand and congratulate me and wish me all the best.
But, the epiphany went something like this:
Me: I'm tired and despondent!
Epiphany: HELLO HELEN!!
Me: OMG! An epiphany!!! Hooray!!! I can finally figure out what to do with my life! Tell me oh wise one. Tell me many many things.
Epiphany: Actually, I just stopped by to tell you I have absolutely no idea about what you should do with your life.
Me: What??
Epiphany: But don't do math! Math is bad.
Me: I already knew about Math! Don't you have anything remotely useful to tell me?
Epiphany: Nope. I just came to give you doubt and insecurity and lots of existential despair. Happy Birthday!
Me: It isn't my birthday and that's a terrible present!
Epiphany: Whatever. I have to go let small children realize how utterly insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things. And tell some politicians that they should be president of America.
Me: NOOOOO!!!!!
I have no idea what to do with my life. However, I did manage to write several terrible sonnets and several pages of the novel that I am working on in a zen state of utter bizarreness.
P.S.: I have a fun story to share with you.
I was on the airplane and this elderly couple were sitting next to me. They seemed pretty nice and I talked to the woman for a little while, but then I realized something about them was creeping me out. What was it? I couldn't put my finger on it.
Finally, I realized that it was the fact that the husband was grasping his wife just above the knee FOR THE ENTIRE PLANE RIDE. As someone with sensory integration issues, this is very disturbing to me. If someone touched me for that long I would probably smack them on the face.
ModernHelen
You may be tempted to shake my hand and congratulate me and wish me all the best.
But, the epiphany went something like this:
Me: I'm tired and despondent!
Epiphany: HELLO HELEN!!
Me: OMG! An epiphany!!! Hooray!!! I can finally figure out what to do with my life! Tell me oh wise one. Tell me many many things.
Epiphany: Actually, I just stopped by to tell you I have absolutely no idea about what you should do with your life.
Me: What??
Epiphany: But don't do math! Math is bad.
Me: I already knew about Math! Don't you have anything remotely useful to tell me?
Epiphany: Nope. I just came to give you doubt and insecurity and lots of existential despair. Happy Birthday!
Me: It isn't my birthday and that's a terrible present!
Epiphany: Whatever. I have to go let small children realize how utterly insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things. And tell some politicians that they should be president of America.
Me: NOOOOO!!!!!
I have no idea what to do with my life. However, I did manage to write several terrible sonnets and several pages of the novel that I am working on in a zen state of utter bizarreness.
P.S.: I have a fun story to share with you.
I was on the airplane and this elderly couple were sitting next to me. They seemed pretty nice and I talked to the woman for a little while, but then I realized something about them was creeping me out. What was it? I couldn't put my finger on it.
Finally, I realized that it was the fact that the husband was grasping his wife just above the knee FOR THE ENTIRE PLANE RIDE. As someone with sensory integration issues, this is very disturbing to me. If someone touched me for that long I would probably smack them on the face.
ModernHelen
Monday, March 7, 2011
So, all of humanity is probably wondering a few things in regards to this blog including but not limited to:
1) WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN POSTING? My life is now devoid of meaning.
2) You have a blog?
3) Thank god that moron stopped posting. I want to reach through the Internet to punch her in her stupid modern face.
I have been having time management issues. The issue is basically that I am at 18 credit hours, I am a high maintenance kind of girl, I practice music at least ten hours a week, and I enjoy sleeping no fewer than seven hours a night. Basically, I have about 28 hours worth of stuff to do everyday, and I am such an overachiever that I refuse to do half-ass jobs at anything, even when I can totally get away with it. I am also working on a novel of such great awesomeness that it is almost certainly doomed to be unmarketable.
Therefore, I have decided to make this blog a regular update-once-a-week blog. I will be updating on Sundays, probably mid-morning.
It is all part of my quest for complete and utter micro-management of my existence.
I hope that you are all understanding, but if you aren't I don't really care.
So take that!
ModernHelen
1) WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN POSTING? My life is now devoid of meaning.
2) You have a blog?
3) Thank god that moron stopped posting. I want to reach through the Internet to punch her in her stupid modern face.
I have been having time management issues. The issue is basically that I am at 18 credit hours, I am a high maintenance kind of girl, I practice music at least ten hours a week, and I enjoy sleeping no fewer than seven hours a night. Basically, I have about 28 hours worth of stuff to do everyday, and I am such an overachiever that I refuse to do half-ass jobs at anything, even when I can totally get away with it. I am also working on a novel of such great awesomeness that it is almost certainly doomed to be unmarketable.
Therefore, I have decided to make this blog a regular update-once-a-week blog. I will be updating on Sundays, probably mid-morning.
It is all part of my quest for complete and utter micro-management of my existence.
I hope that you are all understanding, but if you aren't I don't really care.
So take that!
ModernHelen
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