Roads and Google Maps are Trying to Kill Me

So I was setting forth in the bitter winter cold to go to a concert.

According to Google maps, this trip was supposed to take 18 minutes. According to actual experience, it took about forty.

See, this great state has stupid stupid roads. For some unfathomable reason, there is no reflective paint. Anywhere. This is a state that routinely has snow, sleet, ice, rain, fog, and any number of other horrible weather conditions. So whenever there is bad weather, you can't see anything. And when I'm driving in the dark, half the time I find myself guessing about where the lanes are.

In addition to all this nonsense, the road signs are so small that it is impossible to tell what road the cross-street is until you have passed it. When you're on the freaking highway, you can't slow down at every intersection! And the signs are green. GREEN with WHITE letters. Guess what else? They are barely more reflective than the roads.

So, I had a fun* adventure finding my turn off from the highway. An adventure that involved passing the right street, swearing, turning around, passing the street again, swearing, somehow ending up in a funeral parlor parking lot, and finally taking the right turn.

This is bad at the best of times. It is worse when you are rather ill and your sinuses are threatening to revolt against you, taking your vestibular sense (that's your ability to balance) and your ability to process simple information with them.

It got worse when I tried to find a  road which, apparently, only existed in google map's imagination. So then I found myself on a side road screaming horrible horrible swears at my steering wheel whilst shaking my head like a mad dog. Some of these swears had not passed my lips since the times when I had to do chemistry lab reports. Ashley knows what I am talking about!

Eventually I decided just to wing it and take the road that was 37 NOT 38 (which stinky Google maps said I was supposed to take) and hope that I had not wasted over half an hour and a few dollars worth of gas. Then, as I was warily traversing this suspicious road I saw a sign that said: PAVEMENT ENDS. And I was like, what does that mean? Then the pavement ended! I found myself bouncing along a dirt track with no pavement and no road lines at all. Another sign appeared. It was a bizarre corkscrew shaped arrow. Than was when the road got really twisty and I began to think that I was going to die.

But behold! A light shone forth from a nearby subdivision and I found myself on pavement once more. And then, by magic, I found the other streets I was supposed to find! Google maps had not been a completely despicable evil machine.

It was a Christmas miracle. It wasn't much of one, but I'll take what I can get in these dark economic times.

ModernHelen

ps: One the way home I learned a valuable lesson: if it is below freezing and your windshield ices over DO NOT USE WIPER FLUID. Because then it freezes and you can't see. Duh!

* This is 'fun' used in the sarcastic sense. Other examples include: "Gee! Chemistry Lab at eight in the morning is so 'fun!'" and "The most 'fun' I had this weekend was listening to a bunch of fifth-graders play violin!"**

** I understand that they have to start playing somewhere. But that somewhere should be a closet for at least four years.

If He/She Hadn't Been a Dumbass...

So, I was trying to fall asleep last night (Falling asleep is becoming progressively harder the closer I get to the end of finals week. This is probably because I am turning in EVERY SINGLE ONE of my finals assignments on Monday. It's not that I'm not on top of my work; I am. It's just that papers are to my brain as sugar is to a small child. I can't stop being all HYPER and EXCITED and CAN-DO about them. Even when it is three in the morning). As I was trying to fall asleep, I suddenly remembered a long frustration I have with one of the most tragic tragedies of the Greek Tradition: Oedipus Rex.

For those of you who were not classically educated/aren't ridiculous Greek myth freaks, here is the basic plot of the Oedipus myth:

Once upon a time in Greece, there was a Theban royal couple named to Laius and Jocasta. Due to lots of royal sexy time, they eventually had a son named Oedipus. The occasion was marred by the fact that the Oracle of Delphi foretold that littl' Oedipus would KILL his father and MARRY his mother. Laius and Jocasta did what any well-adjusted couple would do: they abandoned the baby on a mountain and high-tailed it back to Thebes.

(Un)fortunately, a shepherd found littl' Oedipus and brought him to the king and queen of Corinth who adopted him as their child. Apparently, they had same leery feelings about adoption as parents sometimes do today, because they decided that not telling Oedipus ANYTHING about his infancy was the best plan ever.

Years later, the grown Oedipus discovered the prophecy from the Oracle and was horrified. Because his adoptive parents were big fat liars, he assumed that they were his birth parents, and he ran away to avoid the prophecy. He ran away to Thebes. Yep. Right to his REAL parents. On his way there, he and this old guy got into a fight over who got to...cross a road first. That's right. They fought over WHO GOT TO GO FIRST! (I knew better by the end of first grade). Oedipus killed the old guy who turned out to be his father.

Prophecy: 1 Oedipus: 0

He then was confronted by the Sphinx who had decided that Thebes was the "it" city to terrorize with riddles. He solved her riddle (What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night? A confused robot? A lizard that lost two legs and then grew one back? A mutated Hollywood monster? No to all of the above! The answer is "Man") and she killed herself in rage.

Because it was a myth, the people of Thebes decided that Oedipus and Jocasta should get together. Oedipus married her. And they had four children/grandchildren. Hence the Freudian "Oedipus Complex" As in: "You think YOUR MOM'S SO HOT! Oh wait... you do? ... Um... That's kind of awkward...."

Prophecy: 2 Oedipus: 0

The moral of the story is that you cannot avoid your fate because do to a tragic flaw or a missing of the mark ("hamartia") that is inevitable and unavoidable.

MY moral to the story is:

Oedipus was a Dumbass!

Here are how things could have played out if he hadn't been a dumbass:



1) Adopted Family Discussion Group

The Oracle: You shall kill your father and marry your mother!

Oedipus: OH NOES!!!! (runs back to Corinth) Hey you guys! I just heard the most horrible prophecy that I'm going to kill my father and marry my mother!! What do I do??

Queen of Corinth: Sweetie, I guess this is a good time to tell you: We aren't your parents.

Oedipus: Oh that's great! I was worried I'd have to run far away to Thebes or something!

King of Corinth: No son. You'll stay right here. And we'll find a nice girl for you to marry. Someone young. Younger than you are.

And they Lived Happily Ever After



2) I'm not Going to Thebes

The Oracle: You shall kill your father and marry your mother.

Oedipus: Oh no!!! I shall have to run away to Thebes!

The Oracle: Um... why don't you not go there?

Oedipus: Why?

The Oracle: I'm the Oracle Fool! Trust me on this.

Oedipus: Okay...


And so Oedipus went to Athens instead, became a famous sculptor, and lived happily ever after.




3) Wait... How old are you?

(Oedipus is on his way to Thebes)

Laius: Hey!! I wanna go first!

Oedipus: NO! I wanna go first!

Laius: I'll fight you!

Oedipus: So will I...wait a second... How old are you?

Laius: Old enough to be your father you young whippersnapper!

Oedipus: Hmm... Better not risk it... Go ahead!

Laius: Humph!! (Leaves)

(A Short While Later... Oedipus Triumphantly Enters Thebes)

Oedipus: Praise me Thebes! I have killed the Sphinx and delivered you! Praise me! PRAISE ME!!

Jocasta: Hello you stud-muffin! What do you say I ditch the old guy and make YOU king!

Oedipus: Well, that's tempting and all, but you're old enough to be my mother. And I've got this prophecy that I'm going to kill my father and marry my mother, and I'd rather not take any chances...

Jocasta: OMG! My son, who I abandoned on a mountain, totally had that prophecy!

Oedipus: You know, I really don't look anything like my "parents" in Corinth. Do you think that maybe...

Jocasta: OMG! You know, it's really good we didn't get married... That could have been really awkward...

Oedipus: Think of the Children!

And they lived happily (and not incestuously) ever after!


So there you have it!

Modern Helen

ps: I may have to keep mocking epic tragedies for funnsies now...

I WILL be Back!!

Hey Everyone who is still checking this blog (by which I mean the two deluded optimists I know)! I know that I have been a bad person and abandoned this blog. It is unforgivable. But, I'm asking you to forgive me anyway. You know why? Because I'm adorable. Granted, unless you are a close friend or a ninja stalker, you do not have empirical knowledge of this fact. So you will just have to trust me.

I am in the midst of a crazy crazy CRAZY!!! (I like repeating things three times...) week with finals. I have thus far typed about 40 pages, and I have about 12 pages left to go, so I am not promising anything big for updates YET.

However, I am excited to announce that my craziness, that beautiful and mad muse that inspires so many overly-caffeinated people, has not gone away. If anything, it has gotten worse! Which is good for you guys because it leads to more fun times in your reading. And bad for me because it helps undermine my ability to have normal-time. At all.

Of course, I'm not convinced normal-time is a good thing. It seems to consist of getting drunk and being a dumb-ass. So, I think I'll keep the crazy!

Anyways, I am still having brain thoughts that are crazy, hilarious, and occasionally insightful. Face it: if you write enough, you are bound by the laws of probability to come up with SOMETHING meaningful at SOME point in your life!

Additionally, I have decided that I am officially an adult. I have a license that proves it. So, I am going to start saying more grown-up things. There may even be swears and skankiness!

Here are some of the exciting new categories of thought that you have to look forward to:

1) Thoughts just before I fall asleep

2) It takes nine-million times as long to do anything as it ought to

3) I hate my stupid body

4) Why I would not be a  heroine or a villainess in a fantasy epic but would, instead, be one of those mysterious, powerful, and often ambivalent secondary characters, as illustrated by examples from the greatest tv series ever made, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Here is a sneak peak at Number 1!:

Thoughts just before I fall asleep:

1) Can-Can can you do that Can-Can! Can you... You shouldn't do a Can-Can... in midair... 'cause then you twist your ankle like that one time...

2) I'm the queen of the velociraptors

3) Can you have a posteriori knowledge of a priori knowledge? (If you don't know what this is google it and you are half-way to sounding like a pretentious old man!!)

4) I'm Helen the Christmas Elf! On a Shelf! Oh good brain! Why do you hate me?

ModernHelen

Ps: If you don't like it, you can kiss my ass because I am DONE with being a cutesy little girl-woman just so people like me.

PPs: PLEASE LIKE IT!!!